Catching up

It's time to catch up from last weekends adventures...it seems like it was so long ago, for some reason this week took forever to get to Friday.  But now as I plan tomorrows adventure I look back on last week and the fun we had.  We started out nice and early (in 2 cars as Sean was on call) and headed to Elk Meadows Park.  We had been there before...mostly on the other side where the off-leash dog park is located.  But today, we went to the side with more trails - the side we went on when we were here in November for a quick hike with Liam.  I recall back to that hike, it was rough, we didn't make it very far, we were both out of breath and I was really having trouble, even with my inhaler.  Saturday's trek was much better. We made it to the point we had to turn out in November and it felt great to not even feel tired at that point.  We continued on and hoped to get at least 2 or 3 miles in.  We started on the loop and took a cut off to the top of one peak.  We didn't make it up, had to turn around to meet Erik and Bethany, but we still got some great views and some great exercise.

This was the point we turned around.  I am hoping to head back soon to make it to the top.  We saw many mountain bikes pass us on the way up and I dream of the day I have enough strength to do that.  I haven't been on my bike since we have moved, and I'm itching to get out.  I'm thinking I have a bit of work to do to be trail ready, but I'll get there.  The next part of our day took us over to the dog park to meet Erik, Bethany and Ray Ray.  The just moved here the week before.  We are excited to have closer friends with us - someone to adventure with, hang out with, and have our kids play together - eventually.  We went on a different part of the trail and got a great view of what we guess was Mt. Evans...and I stopped for a minute to take it in, to think about how great it will feel to tackle our first 14er - can't wait for that!

We had lunch in Evergreen and went off our seperate ways.  Liam hadn't napped so we decided to take the longer way home and take him to a park since he was so good all morning in the backpack.  We ended up at Mt. Falcon Park, a park that is about 5 minutes away from our new house.  We decided to let Liam be in charge...he wandered here and there, found this rock and that one to climb on.  We took a few minutes to rest and just let him explore.  I was able to snap this just before he found mud!  

My boys - so happy I got to spend the day with all of them.  Each has thier moments, where they drive me nuts, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.  I wish I had done a better job of getting the beauty of the park in this one, but I was hoping just to get my guys and I did.  I love it.  I also realized what a dorky family we are - we all matched that day, and it was no accident.  Actually, if I remember right, I went to change after I got Liam dressed to be in a similar outfit.  Soon after this picture, Liam discovered some mud.  He loved it so much...he stepped in it, put his hands in it, would have rolled around in it if I let him.  So, it's true, I have a boy on my hands, he loves mud, is facinated with trucks and has no fear at all!  It's so fun to watch him explore and learn each day, growing and getting smarter each moment.  And I'm guessing with parents like us, he will be into far more dangerous things than I would like him to be, I'll get used to it, he'll get bumps, bruises and scraps, but he'll get up even stronger each time.  I ran a little ahead with Burton and took a moment to capture this, it was too sweet of a moment not to catch on camera. 

Liam was so excited to check it all out, trees, rock, pinecones, you name it, he touched it and most likely climbed on it, if it was possible.  We have had quite a few great adventures here, one's that I will forget about unless I record them...which is why this blog is so great, maybe someday Liam will look back on this and laugh at his silliness and cuteness.  I'm sure one day I'll look back on there and shed a few tears at how my little guy is all grown up.  But for now, I'll just enjoy the moments, the new discoveries Liam will make, the new paths he will create and the new life we have found for us, up in the mountains.

A very happy easter

While it was hard to not be with our families and take part in all the usual family traditions, yesterday was a day of new beginnings for us in a way.  It was a way for us to start our own traditions with Liam and our family.  It was a way for us to enjoy a whole day off with each other.  It was a way for us to grow into our family and what we foresee for ourselves in the future.

We started the day out nice and early, 4 AM actually.  We decided we were going to go to the Easter Service at Red Rocks.  It was supposed to start at 6 AM, so we thought we had planned on getting there early enough.  We got into the line of cars to the parking lot and decided to cut out into a small lot on the side and hike the back trails to get to the amphitheatre.  It was such an amazing hike.  I Liam loaded up in the Ergo baby and we headed on our way, flashlights in hand.  The moon was still out, the deer were still out and the only sounds we heard at some points were our own feet.  It was something neither of us had experienced before, a hike lit by the moon and stars, which flashlights just in case the trails got a little tricky.  The peace, the quiet, the chance to be that at one with nature was absolutely what my soul needed that morning.  It had been a few long weeks at work, a bit of stress and with working the day before, I needed some recharging.  Our idea to be a little odd and certainly off the beaten path was a reminder how great it is to be off the beaten path and to be a little odd.  And perhaps odd isn't the right word, that perhaps has a negative connotation attached to it - let's just saw we are more adventurous, that sounds better.  We got the service and found our seat - since we were a little later, we were closer to the stage and missed out on some of the sunrise, but to be honest, it was perfect.  Liam danced to all the singing, waved to everyone around us, and of course, made many people smile.

He also decided to let us know when he was done, so instead of pushing our luck, we cut out a bit early and made our way back to our car.  Sean carried him this time, until he dozed off  and we found a family of deer again along the way.  There is something so pure and enjoyable to me to be sharing the trail with nature in such a pure way.

We headed back home to have some friends over for breakfast.  It was nice to host a little party again - of course, I feel my hostess skills were a bit rusty, but all in all, it was fun.  Liam got to see his buddy and play at his house for a change.  Pretty soon after that, Liam got a little crabby for some sleep, so it was decided we needed a family nap time.  It was nice to relax for a bit and hang out while Liam slept for a bit.  

After lunch we were ready for the next part of our day.  I had found a hike a few weeks ago that I wanted to take, but was a little nervous to take without Sean.  We went to Maxwell Falls (http://www.dayhikesneardenver.com/maxwell-falls-evergreen-colorado/) not too far from our place.  I heard it was a good 4 mile hike and doable with a baby on your back.  So, we headed out that way with Burton and Liam to get a nice hike in.  We got there and it was  much more crowded than I was used to.  Of course, I guess at this point I was hoping for the same peace and quiet that we had this morning at Red Rocks.  It was much more crowded and we weren't really able to let Burton be free, which is hard, since he is used to be free.  But we made it work.  We got to see some great views, walk along the creek and Burton explored a bit here and there.  Liam discovered that streams and creek are water, so he spent much of the walk saying "wa wa" and doing his sign for water.  It was a great hike.  Then we realized that it was getting a bit late and we hadn't make reservations for day care for Liam at Copper (we were planning to get one last day on the slopes in since they extended their season).  So, we didn't make it all the way to the falls, we turned around and headed back to the car.  Liam finally fell asleep in the back pack and got another quick power nap.  

As we got back to the car, we checked out a few things to make tomorrow happen and as it turns out, Copper is only open on weekends.  Bummer, we can't get in another day AND we cut our hike short.  Oh well, we decided it was time to go and welcome Erik and Bethany who just moved here.  We took the trip out the burbs and spent some time hanging out and going for a walk.  My poor little guy was so tired that he was getting up the stairs outside and scraped his head on the sidewalk.  But he did pass out as soon as we got home from our long and adventurous day.  Time to start planning the next adventure.  Seems like we are out of winter sports season, so it's time to get ready for our 14ers and some mountain biking!  Until then, it will be a peaceful night of sleep in the Foege house!  

My place....

...I think I'm finding my place, my home, my happiness, my peace, my soul.  I'm feeling more and more like the person I am and the person I want to be.  I am working out again, eating right and making good choices for me, which I am hoping will turn out to make good choices for my family and their habits.  I am feeling confident in decisions and thougths I am having...I am finding my place.  And it feels so great to have that place inside me coming out, I know I have so much more to give and offer and I want to keep sharing and growing and our new home will give me all those chances to do so.  I am finding my place - that's all for now - and it feels so GOOD!

A big decision

As with any part of life, big decisions come and go.  This is another one we had in front of us - do we give up on our dream mountain house and settle life in the suburbs (not that there is anything wrong with that), or do we keep looking, make a few sacrifices and find our dream house in the perfect location.  Will Liam be happier in a house with close neighbors and friends, or waking up to deer outside his window and a backyard that will be way too big for him for some time?  Will I be happier closer to things, stores, people, etc?  Will we miss out by being where we are?

Well, I guess those questions kind of give away our decision, which was to put an offer in on a house that is located on a great mountain lot, but much closer to the city than we are, cutting about 40 minutes off of my commute time each day, that means 40 more minutes I can be with Liam or Burton or Sean - NOT in a car.  It's exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time.  I mean, a house, another house we will have to pay for.  Our house in IL is getting there - someone is renting to own it, which is great - he seems excited to buy it and I'm trying not to let the past situation affect how I feel about about and I'm also trying not to get too excited that it will sell and get my hopes up, trying to stay even keel.

So, the house - well, it isn't perfect, but I think we discovered that we aren't going to find the perfect house, even if we had more money right now.  The location is where we want to be, the lot is almost 2 acres of mountain side.  We can make our own mountain bike trail, which I would love to do.  We have a small shed that we will probably take down and either put up another one or a swing set.  There is a fenced area that we are thinking might be great for our new chickens and maybe ducks (The guy at the Big R told us that he eats duck eggs, makes me cringe a bit and seems weird, but then again, we decided againsst the normal so many times!) or for Burton.  There is a great patio all around with room for the hot tub.  The space inside has so much potential.  The fireplace is amazing and thinking we can use that for heat in the winter...I best brush up on my chopping of wood for that.  The rest is an open canvas - well, not really, but in our minds it is.  The house even has a lukna (which is a space under the stairs for storage, my grandparents house has one in thier basement, we always loved it as kids for some reason - the spelling on that might not be right).  Sean took time to look at the bones of the house and he was happy - so, we accepted the offer they countered back to us and we are going to get a house!  A house that will become our perfect house over time.  Of course, one bathroom is pink and the other is teal, but I like splashes of color!  

I just got really excited about this house, about the potential, about how it is just another step on our journey to live our dreams, in the mountains all while still being a part of the real world.  (But trust me, if we didn't have to work, we would be MUCH more secluded!)  Anyways, we are hoping for big things, we are looking forward to many changes coming up - meaning we are moving in about a month, argh! 

We also were able to sneak in some adventure, climbed about 500 feet on our hike to a great wall of stone for climbing - something we plan on getting very much back into.  Looks like wall on our deck could be nice for bouldering as well.  So, more adventures, more things to do to make our dreams a reality, but we are getting there...and I couldn't be happier!

The end...or another beginning

This is a post that has nothing to do with adventures, or our move, but rather with Liam.  See, for the past 2 years, I have been connected to Liam in some way, because I was carrying him, because I was nursing him, because I was pumping for him, but something.  And that all changed this weekend.  Well, it had been changing for a while, but this weekend was the end of it.  This weekend Liam decided he no longer needed mommy milk.  He had been only nursing in the morning, but this weekend, he wasn't even interested in that.  So, I'm thinking that means he is done.  And while I am thrilled he is growing and moving on, I'm a bit sad about it.  Like I said, it has been about 2 years since we found out we were having Liam - actually, 2 years ago to the day, and since that time, my focus has been on Liam, on what to do best for him, while carrying him, while nursing him, just while being with him.  And now, now he no longer needs me in that way, to provide for him, to take care of his nutritional needs through being in my tummy or through my nursing.  And that is hard...I'm glad it has been a slow process, but I can't help but second guess myself, should I do more to keep the relationship going.

 And to be honest, I hate to say it, but I don't think I had anymore in me and I'm all right with that.  We worked hard, very hard to any point where he would nurse, then with a shield, then we got rid of that, and we were making it work so well.  We would be on a hike and he would be hungry so I would feed him.  I will certainly miss that, you know, open 24 hours, all you can eat, easy - now we have to make sure we pack enough milk, food and all of that.  But I guess that is how it goes.  I can no longer be upset about it.  I can't stress about it or cry about.  I have to look back and be proud of what we accomplished, he was on a nursing strike for about 3 months, maybe more.  I was attached to a pump at all times, I never got the bonding with him, just the crying, from both of us.  When we got a point where it was good, it was so good and so worth all the struggles.  And now, now it's just supposed to be over.  I think I'm all right with it, I can focus more on me, but it's hard, I haven't done that in so long...but I'll get there, I'll remember how.

I also worry now that I don't have my breastfeeding relationship with Liam, what will I have?  Will he still love me the same, getting milk from a cup and not from me?  I know that is silly and I know he will.  But well, I can't help the thougths creep in.  It's a process, I have to let go of that bond we had, know we had it and will always have that connection, but now it's time to find the next thing.  It's similar to when I had him, I was so used to carrying him inside of me, it was a shift of how to look at things and how to deal with the changes.  I have to admit that I didn't always deal the best, but I think this time I will treasure the moments I have with him.  I will lay with him and laugh with him...and even if he won't be nursing, we will still lay together at night, even if his milk is coming from a cup, we will read books and giggle and laugh when he is supposed to be sleeping.  And we'll find our new way to be close - he did recently discover that blowing raspberries on mommy's tummy is hilarious!  And Liam got 15 months of mommy milk, with a little help here and there, and that has given him so many of the benefits I wanted for him.  He may not ever remember that I fed him, that we worked so hard, that we cried so much, that we fought so hard to succeed, he will not remember any of that, but I will and I will always hold him close and treasure the moments I have, not the ones I'm missing out on - that's something that I wish didn't take 2 years for me to figure out!

Comfortable

Comfort - it is such a simple thing, but at the same time, can be so complicated.  It's been a LONG while since I have felt comfortable in my own skin, confident in who I am and who I am becoming.  I am excited that this week, I have been feeling that comfort.  I have come to accept who I am and where I am.  I know the journey to get to where I want to be won't be easy, but at the same time, I want to take that journey.  I want to feel good, and not really just look good in my clothes, although that helps, I want to feel good in my skin.  I want to go to bed every night and know that I had the best day I could and enjoyed as much time with those that I care about, mostly Sean and Liam at this point.

I discovered over the past few months that being a working mom is hard.  I have nothing to compare it to and I imagine being a stay at home mom is just as hard.  I read a great article about it once, about the challenges each has, but for me, I have the experience of being a work mom and gosh, it is hard.  I wake up my little guy in the morning and have been feeding him (although today he was not in the mood to eat, which is hard, it means he is done nursing , but that's another topic for another day).  I get him dressed and get him some breakfast as I get myself ready to go out the door.  We drive to the sitter, which has been fun lately, he has been singing to me.  I drop him off in the morning, kiss him, and tell him I love him.  I rush off to work and get as much done as I can so I don't have to take anything home with me.  Then I  get Liam and hope he had a great day, chat for a few minutes about this and that and head home.  He babbles on the way home, tries to sing and dances at times.  It's time for dinner and I try and figure out what he will eat and hope I decide to make something for me besides a quesadilla.  We have dinner, maybe play for a few minutes, depending on traffic, then it's time for bath and bed.  Liam loves his bath time and I love sharing it with him.  He also loves story time and play time, when it is supposed to bed time.  But tell me this, how do I tell him to go to sleep when I laugh and smile at every move he makes.  When he finally goes to bed, it's time to get things ready for him for the next day.  And we get up and do it all over again.  And he has fun at the places he is at, so it isn't terrible to drop him off, it is just hard some days, especially when I haven't seen him.  And I wish I had more time with him, or more energy to do the millions of things I should do when I get home, I mean, I've been planning to make kale chips for about a week now...the kale is going to go bad if I don't get into gear.  So, tonight, kale chips and sweet potatoes for my little guy...no excuses.  Except the couch will look so inviting!    

But that has nothing to do with why I started writing today, it was about being comfortable in my own skin, with the body I have, the imperfections, the strength, the power.  And those last 2 have really been coming back to me. I have worked out the last 2 weeks, pretty regularly, which has been great.  It have given me a peace of mind, it has calmed me down.  I ran 3 miles the other day and was so happy.  I laugh at how I barely considered that a work out in my marathon days, but well, it was something.  It was the most I ran in months, perhaps even a few years and it actually felt great.  I was so happy, I was slow, but I didn't care.  I was running and I was feeling more comfortable with myself.  And that's all I'm looking to do, eating right, working out, feeling good and being confident.  I have been in a rut where I look at the ground when I'm walking around and I'm no longer all right with that.  It's time to hold my head up and be proud of who I am.  Sure, I might not fit in everywhere, ha, or anywhere, but at the end of the day, I want to stay true to myself.  I don't want to change myself in order to make others think different of me, I have to remember that I am great just the way I am, even in the kale in the fridge goes bad, even if I want to eat that kit-kat, even if my house is a little messy because I chose to play with Liam instead.  That's who I am and it feels so great to be comfortable with who I am, maybe not 100%, but I'm getting there!

Another great day in the mountains

It was a busy weekend, we spent Saturday looking at some houses (another topic for another day) and then of course, Sean had to go into work on Sunday morning.  I know this is his schedule, but I am still working on adjusting to it.  Since I have been so busy as well, I feel like we have had such little time to spend together and see each other.  But so it goes, we will figure it out.  His work will slow down and get more of a set schedule and I will pretend my life will slow down a little as well.  Ha!  

But Sunday, Sunday was a day for me and Liam.  See, I had a hard day with him on Saturday, we took away his pacifier and he was just not in the best of moods.  He got a good nap in while we were looking at houses, but it still was a rough afternoon.  But so it goes, it happens.  I was excited to wake up on Sunday and have a new day with him, a sunny day!  We started by heading to Costco, which is quite an adventure in itself.  Then it was time for our hike.  I love when I call it our hike, Liam dosen't have much say it in the matter, nor does he hike, but he'll learn!  As always, it was a bit of a challenge to get out of the house in one piece, which everything, but I think I did it.  I think I'm getting better at it, so that is a good feeling.  We loaded up and I still wasn't sure where to go, should we dog park it, or do the closer hike and take the risk that Burton will be off leash.  I did let Liam decide that.  It was going to be up to him, if he feel asleep, we would go far, if not, we would go close.  He stayed awake, so we went to Meyer Ranch Park again.  And this time, I was determined to make the whole ascent.  Liam fell asleep pretty quick into things so I spent a good portion of the beginning of the hike making sure he was still breathing and shaking him around to get him comfortable in the back pack.  Once he got settled to my liking, there was nothing left to do but hike.  Burton frolicked in the snow and I just pushed along.  My best guess indicated I ascended 900 feet or so in about 2 miles.  It was so interesting to me how much MORE snow there was as I got higher.  And yes, I understand why, just didn't think I was climbing that high.  I stopped a few times to take some pictures and of me and my hiker, however, he was sleeping still and you can barely see him - I swear here is there though!  

Stopping to take a few pictures, didn't get Liam or the view, but well, I'm happy!  

From the spot I stopped at, I could really see how far I went.  The road and stores were so tiny.  I love the feeling of being so small in something so big, which is the main reason I love the mountains as much as I do.  The remind me that all the stupid things that I think matter, doesn't.  It doesn't matter how hard it was to get out of the house, or the mess that was still at home when I left to get in this great hike.  It just matters that you feel something, anything out there.  And I feel so at peace and calm.  Even though I was working my butt off, it felt great.  There is a certain sense of nothingness that overtakes me.  The only thing that matters was one step in front of the other and that I kept going.  There was no stopping, no quitting, no negative thoughts.  It was just me, Liam and Burton forging ahead, not worrying about how fast we were going, just making sure we made it back to the car.  It's funny because I really don't think something terrible is going to happen to me out while hiking some regular trail.  Then I remember that my regular trails around here, are a little bit more of big deal than they were in Illinois.  

At some point, I was thinking and wondering what I would do if I fell and broke my leg, how would I get Liam down.  I'm not sure I came up with an answer, but I was able to successfully walk off a pretty good ankle twist with still about a mile and a half to go.  And woke up today with minimal pain, woo hoo!  We continued our descent (cracks me up when I use terms like this to talk about our hike, makes me think we are trying to summit Everest or something) and Liam finally woke up.  He cried a bit, but as soon as he changed his attention to watch Burton, he was all good.  The weather got warmer and the snow turned to mud.  We made it all the way back down, Burton back on leash at this point and hung out at the car for a while.  It was a great hike and of course we missed daddy, but it always feels so good to accomplish things, no matter how or when.  A new hike, about 4 miles and some sore muscles!  Can't beat that! 

Liam loves to be outside and wanted to explore much more than I was willing to let him, after all, we were in the parking lot.  I think next time, we will stop at some point on the hike and let him play.