Sunday Snowday

I have been so grateful my parents have been here the past few days.  Sean has been working like crazy, I am still recovering from a crazy few work weeks and man, I am so glad someone else was here, to watch Liam while I was able to get some good food cooked, to help carry groceries in, to wash some dishes (even though I tell them to go play instead and I'll wash dishes), just to be here.  It was nice that we got to have a few hours, all of us as a family on Sunday and it was nice!

We got everyone bundled up and headed outside.  Liam wasn't so sure he wanted to go outside, but finally he did and had a blast.  The most fun he has had this year, the longest he was out there and the most he did.  He sledded with daddy one, giggling like crazy the whole time down the driveway.  He walked with Dot and kept falling down and laughing, thinking he was so funny.  He snowshoed with us and by himself, which was something he hadn't done before.  So, here are a few quick pictures of our perfect Winter day - even if we never left our front yard!  Burton even got to play ball for a while - and eat icicles.

A break

It has been a busy few weeks, month and year to this point.  I am mostly busy enough to totally forget that I have a huge belly that has seemed to form in front of me - and no, it's not from too much beer.  I feel I am at cow-whale stage already with 8 more weeks to go.  Sean says I'm barely at cow stage and somehow that comforts me.  And this busy-ness I speak of, only covers me and my work, it doesn't cover Sean or Liam at all.  So, the year started getting ready for Winter Games, which was great, super busy, of course, Liam was sick the week before (just like last year), but we made it work, I got everything ready and done and off we went.  The weather was forecasted to be really bad, like travel only in emergencies, so we had to cancel for most of the athletes, which was a huge let down.

I've had to cancel events before, plenty of them and it always sucks, but for some reason, this one - this was really hurt and still does.  Like I said, it's happened before, just 5 weeks after Liam was born, I busted my butt to run a huge basketball tournament only to find out the day before we had to cancel it.  Such a bummer.  But still, not as hard as this event.  I'm not sure if it had to do with all the other people and hard work that went into that seemed let down (basketball was mostly just me - a few others, but there wasn't hours and days of set up, etc.) or if it has to do with me being pregnant or it being Winter Games.  I love Winter in general, hanging out in snowpants, being outside in the fresh cold air, hats and pigtails, playing in the snow, the list goes on, but Winter has always been a favorite of mine.  Sure, the driving in the snow sucks and sometimes the bitter cold is less than fun, but overall, I love anything to do with Winter.  And Winter Games - it's such a tight group of skiers and snowboarders and our nordic guys - they all know each other and practice and cheer for each other.  So, when I had to cancel winter games, it was tough.  I actually got way too emotional for my liking at work when I told our key group what the plan was.  I'll blame the baby for my lack of keeping it together.  I suppose it's good to get the emotions out, right?  But again, when a women does it, it's weak, when a man does it, it's senstive - another topic for another day.

So, people were upset and I heard about it, I was there, I was the face that was easy to talk to and so on.  I had to leave our nice dinner to hide in the bathroom for about 10 minutes.  I then proceeded to find things to keep me busy being locked in a room in the basement until I was able to pull it together, I was so full of emotion.  Thrilled that I worked as hard as I did, with my current "condition" to pull things off, angry the weather had to throw all that off, and downright pissed I became the scrapgoat for past issued.  Not to mention super upset about the athletes that will be missing and knowing how hard coaches and athletes worked for it all.  It was a tough night.  Typically a few glasses of wine might cure that, but I guess the good thing about being pregnant is dealing with your emotions, not hiding behind a drink, just feeling them and dealing with them.

The games went on for about 20 athletes, those athletes had a great time.  I watched them get medals and was so thrilled that they were able to be there to get medals.  Then I was broken hearted thinking of all the other athletes that weren't there, that were missing out on the medals.  The day was done, things were wrapped up and it was time to move on to the next event.  But I can't seem to find closure for Winter Games, maybe the meeting I have in a few weeks will help.  I heard more, volunteers were upset with how things were handled, the lack of excitement about the games, etc.  I mean, sure, I can take getting yelled at about the weather, things out of my control, but when someone suggests that I don't have passion for the athletes and the events are run in a professional way, I question myself.  What did I not do for the athletes?  What am I missing?  Who felt this way and how can I fix it?  Too many unanswered questions for me to have closure at this point, which is why I think it still it hard to accept what happened.

It's my chance to get back up and come back better and stronger next year.  I'd like to have the chance to patch things up with certain volunteers, to be on the same page, to ensure them I love Winter Games just as much as they do, to show them I want to grow all of our events, especially this one.  I don't know if I'll get that chance and that part stinks...the lack of closure, not being able to address all the comments I have heard, not knowing who to address.  So I move on, or at least try to.  I look at how I can make the next year better, I work with the group to ensure them I am on thier side and I move forward.  I get up, right?  Isn't that the point, you get knocked down, but get up?  So I get up, I pull my cow-whale self together and I move forward to basketball, summer games and so on.  But I don't forget, I take my lessons with me and learn...that's how we get better, right?  So, that's the plan, better and better - for the athletes, for the volunteers and for the passion we all feel.  

1 down...

...and one to go, well sort of one to go.  I guess it's more like 2 to go, but...I guess I mean I completed my first state event of the year, granted, it was abbreviated, which just made more work, but it was done, while pregnant and taking care of the kid, with some amazing help from Sean.  Winter Games 2015 is in the books, not a great event, had to tell most of the people they couldn't come due to weather, but that didn't mean it didn't take just as much work if not more as if everyone was there.  I worked my butt off the weeks leading up to the games to get everyone all the information they needed, coaches, volunteers, venue, other staff and so on.  While it wasn't easy last year, I think I demanded and expected from myself as well as others knew to expect more from me.  I have worked with many of them numerous times over the year and shown what I can do at events.  It was all good things, but again, much more work.  But in the end, it was well worth it, mostly.

We had some huge storm hit Denver and the weather and driving conditions were not good.  So, we had to cancel, mostly.  We let people that were at Copper already compete, but we told those not there to stay home.  This decision was tough, I have had to cancel events before, due to weather, even due to driving conditions, but this was the hardest event I had to ever cancel.  To stand before the members of the committee that helped plan the event, that worked so hard to make the event happen and tell them how much we appreciate what they have done and the show will go on, for 30 athletes, was one of the hardest things I have had to do.  I think when I have canceled in the past, it's been just my work that went out the window and not the work of others.  And it's Winter Games, I LOVE winter games.  Yes, it could be because I get to wear snow pants all weekend, and a hat and pig tails, but I also just love the events.  And I love what this committee does.  This isn't some half-assed race, this race is run like a professional race and the athletes are treated like world class athletes.  The professionalism is amazing!  More than amazing - which is why it was so hard to tell these folks the games won't quite be the same.

And people understood, many people said how it sucked, but it was the right call, a tough call, but the right one.  We used all the information we had and mostly worked together to come up with the best solution we could.  We fought about it and talked about it way too long about weather, road conditions, what we should and shouldn't do.  We finally made our decision and while not everyone agreed with it, most people were civil about it.  Of course, there were a few that were very upset and took it out on me, sharing that I do nothing for the games, etc.  I think I agreed with most things this upset person was sharing, except the fact that I do nothing for the games.  Perhaps I should have shared the hours over the past few weeks I put in and was away from my kid, my sick kid who just wanted his mommy.  Perhaps I could have told her the work I brought home for a few weeks to ensure that things would be done in a timely manner...perhaps I could have just told her to screw off, but instead I just sat there, tried to listen to her, smile and be as understanding as I could.  I get it, it sucked, a lot - to put in all that work for nothing, well, sort of nothing, but regardless, there was a better way to handle it.  I learned a lot from just this one talk, about how to handle my committees, irate people and that sometimes you can't make everyone happy.

In the end, it was a tough weekend, with many schedule changes that made my weekend far more difficult than had everyone shown up.  But it was also still an amazing weekend.  I got into the ballroom just as our awards were starting and to be honest, I watched with mixed emotions.  I was thrilled, to watch our sit skier with his arms raised in the air and his smile huge across his face as he got his second gold medal.  Somehow, no matter what, awards ceremonies always make me emotional - and I'll blame this baby for making me more emotional.  I watched and smile as a group of 4 athletes, all from the same group celebrated, from the gold medal to the 4th place ribbon, arm in arm, posing, flexing and showing off for the cameras.  I also felt torn apart inside, thinking how many athletes won't get to experience that moment on this given weekend.

So, in the end, it was a weekend that was completely not like I had hoped or expected.  It was ups and downs and laughs and tears, but it was done.  I felt good to have done all the work I did, especially in my condition and people like to call it, being 31 weeks pregnant, still getting along, getting out and riding and enjoying my time on the slopes, and even being helpful.  So, that's one down, I have State Basketball coming up in a few weeks, that one will be a little more challenging in some ways and easier in other ways.  I'll be way more pregnant, but there are less people to please and it's a little less time intensive to plan.  It'll still be hard, especially as I try to plan Summer Games in the middle of all it.  But I will do it, I will get help when I need to and give myself a break when I need it.  But I will also remember that the more I do, the better I feel.  And soon enough, it'll be a lot more work to have a newborn then have a giant belly!  But I look forward to the challenge - and everyday today gets me more ready, but that's another topic for another day!

It's tough...

...being a working mom and trying to tackle it all.  I am not judging moms that don't work, I am not saying that is easy, I have no room to say anything about that, I am not that person.  But it is tough...trying to juggle my job, my career, huge events that mean more to me than I could even put into words and my little man - when he is sick - and when my husband is out saving lives - and when I have hours of work to do and not enough time.  Well, perhaps I shouldn't be writing, and I am done for the night, time for yoga and bed, but had to get a few things off my mind first.

It's hard, my kid is sick and all I want to do is cuddle him and love him and do whatever I can to make him get better.  But I also have one of 6 huge events that are my job, my career, my calling, my passion just around the corner - on Sunday as a matter of fact.  So, how do I choose?  How do I decide how he feels, should I send him to day care?  It won't be possible for me to take him to work another day, I got enough done today, but I have SO much more to do, packing, printing, stuffing packets, checking things off my list, and so on.  I can't do it with my little man there.  So, then what?  Then I feel guilty for taking him to day care when he is sick, or then I wait until Sean gets home, not allowing Sean to sleep after he just worked over 24 hours.  My hope above all hopes tonight is that he wakes up feeling better.  His fever seems to be gone, his cough is lessening, but still, I thought that was the case today and he hit a point of being miserable.  He cuddled up with me like he hasn't done in so long, he needs mommy when he is sick and it pains me to not be able to be there.  Yesterday I worked from home and he needed me, thankfully, I could snuggle him on the couch while I was doing computer things, but still, he needed me in a way I couldn't be there.  How do you deal with that?  How and when does that become okay that you just can't be there?  Does every parent feel that at some point?  Or do I need to figure out my priorities?

I have another little one coming along and man, how will this work with 2?  I know it's doable, people do it, but crap, it is scary to think about when I struggle sometimes with just one.  Like this week, what would I have done with 2 kiddos?  How could I have made that work?  And yes, most likely one would have gone to day care, but what if that couldn't happen?

So, it's tough, I love, love, love what I do and couldn't imagine my life without it.  And I love, love, love my family, I know it's all about balance, but some nights, it mostly just feels like whatever I choose, I end up with the short end, a sick kid, work not done, a long couple of nights ahead of me at the office, missing bedtimes and snuggles and just being too busy to stop and play.  I'll make up for it, I know I will and I think I am doing a pretty good job of trying to figure it all out - with the extra work demands and being pregnant, so maybe that's a good sign, that I'll be able to handle it all.  Ha, that's funny - I'll just handle all of it and I know on some days, I will.  I will be supermom, awesome employee and amazing wife.  And I know other days I'll fail at at least one of those, if not all of those.
But I guess the key is to get up and keep going, right?  To keep pushing on, to keep striving to offer the best of me to everyone.  And when the time comes for a break, to be sure I take it, whatever it may be, even if it's just a cry and a silly blog entry.

But man, it's tough...it's been a tough day, I've had some great help that I wasn't expecting, which makes me happy and feeling very lucky.  It's been a day of crying, good crying, feeling overwhelmed, but like I have things under control all at the same time.  I blame the baby for that one.  I called Sean earlier and just wanted to cry, no real reason, just needed to cry.  And now as I type, I feel good, mostly, I feel like I have things under control, I feel like no matter what tomorrow holds, I can tackle it and handle it.  I will focus on that, I will let go of the tough day, I will move forward with good thoughts and know that I can handle it - I can do it.  And in the end, I'm a good mom, wife and employee, even if some days it feels like I'm not.

This was my little guy with me at work today, broke my heart how tired and sick he was.  Made my heart skip a few beats when he cuddled up in his sling and napped with me.  I love this kid so much, I hope my best is good enough for him.

A busy few days and plenty to think about

We got home from the hot springs trip on Saturday and I knew I still had two days to make the most of.  Sean was on call yesterday and had some work to do during the day, but I had enough time to make so many things that I needed to make to ensure I was going to keep on track with my eating real and eating healthy.  We were running out of leftovers and other food to eat, so it was much needed.

I started the day making some butternut squash soup with a new recipe.  It was all right, ended up being much for full of other veggies and losing the butternut taste.  I also made some dried chickpeas in the soup.  Once I had that rolling, Sean decided he wanted some rice for a snack, easy enough.  Once that was done, it was time to make some peanut butter.  And next, on to the hummus, however, out tahini was bad, so I had to make that as well - roasted red pepper hummus with homemade tahini - so good, best I have ever made.  Then I was onto the cinnamon raisin bread, however, the only apple sauce we had was full of high fructose corn syrup.  Seemed silly to make a bread that's good for you with that in it.  So, Sean made me some apple sauce - even better than the jar stuff.  It's strange, I have made the bread 3 times and it has been different each time, always good, but still different.

I also decided I wanted to make some graham crackers.  I couldn't trick Liam with the goldfish crackers I made, would he fall for it with the graham crackers - success - as soon as he got up from nap, he had 3 of them.  Of course, I was kind of dumb to not leave them as big crackers as he likes, but it still worked.  I also whipped up a batch of some homemade Gatorade.  And then I was beat.  We had dinner in the crock pot, plenty of snacks for a few days and a nice re-hydrating drink.  It was great, exhausting, but great.  I think I washed dishes about 30 times.  We had a nice early nice and while the house wasn't perfectly clean, it was good enough for me for bed.

We got up on Sunday after Liam tossed and turned quite a bit, turning himself upside down leaving his feet where our heads were and somehow this all resulted in less kicking.  Sean had work to do so I decided Burton needed some dog park time.  We loaded up and head to the dog park.  It was so much fun.  Liam worked with me so well to get in the Ergo and Burton was thrilled.  I was so glad I wore my ice shoes, something I bought at REI years ago and used a few times.  They have the ice spikes already in them, no messing with attaching things to them and man, they worked.  There were plenty of spots where I saw people fall, or saw really bad ice, Burton even slipped a few times, but nothing for me.  We had a great time, did a couple of miles and I felt pretty darn good to not only carry about Liam, but also carrying his little sister as well.  I'm guessing that will be much harder when she is born.

I told Liam that I was so happy to go on a little adventure with him, I felt like at first, went  all the time, somewhere new, the same place, didn't matter, we just headed out.  The past few months we haven't been doing that.  And I'm not sure why, maybe we have been too busy, maybe Sean has been home so we stuck around here to hang out, but all I know is that I realized that I don't have too many more days like that - all right, I have about 100 more days, not that I'm counting, but well, before we know it, we will have another little one to take with on adventures, which is great.  But it made me a little sad, my little guy, I'll have to share my attention, he won't get all of my attention, which is probably a good thing.  And I think being a little sad about having to divide my time with Liam and the next one is normal, right?  All moms have to go through that, the feeling of having to let go of your first, moving on to the the second, figuring out how in god's name I will balance all of it when sometimes I barely think I can handle this!

Ah, but that's for another time, I have a few more months to worry about that, so for now, I'm going to enjoy this pregnancy (it has been much tougher than Liam's), bond with my little girl, and spend as much time with Liam as possible.  We have a million things we want to do before the baby comes and it'll happen, or it won't.  But in the end, the moments I have with Liam right now, as my only kid, will be the moments I enjoy.  I'll remember that his kicks at night means that I am supplying him with some love and cuddles.  I'll remember his throwing his food on the floor just shows that he has his own ideas and thoughts.  I'll think that every time I pick up one more car and put it away, it is Liam finding things that he loves to do.  I'll smile at him when he is playing and using his imagination instead of finding other things to do during that time.  I'll pick him up when he wants me to, I'll snuggle and read an extra book now and then if he needs me to stay.  And I'll happily pick him up when he stomps into our room and needs cuddles at night.  I know things will change when this little girl comes along, I know that I won't be able to give Liam all that attention.  And I know people will think I should start preparing him for that now, but for now, I'll just spend time with him.  I'll talk to him about his baby sister - which he has recently started carrying around a little baby doll calling it his baby sister - and I'll enjoy him, every moment of him, even the ones that drive me nuts.

We have time to figure out what to do when she gets here and even though we might have the best ideas, we never know what will happen.  So we will go with it and figure it out - all we need is the love that our family can provide, the rest will fall into place, or not, either way, we will all have each other!

Valley View Hot Springs

So, I've been complaining (I tried to come up with a different word, but if I want to be honest with myself, it was complaining) about needing more adventures, more mountain time, more nature, more new things.  So, it was funny when were gearing up for our Hot Springs adventure and I was a little whiny about it.  It was an exhausting work week, I worked my butt off, way too many hours, not enough sleep and thankfully I kept up eating well and mostly working out - that's all that kept me sane.  I was jealous I couldn't take any days off to join the crew riding, I barely even had time to hang out with Johanna and Clint, which I felt terrible about.  Anyways, Friday came, I got to leave work and mostly not think about it and get away, but somehow, I found things wrong with it.

The drive was about 3 hours, which was a little long for just an overnight.  At least that was my thinking when we left.  I was excited to go do something new.  Johanna had been to the place, made reservations and to be honest, I paid little attention to where we were going until we got in the car.  So, we drove, and in true Liam fashion, he didn't want to sleep - he wanted to talk, sing, scream, giggle, play and just about anything else except sleeping.  He finally dozed off when we were just about there, of course, but it was something.  We got to the springs and had to check in, Liam was still sleeping so I stayed in the car.  They group checked in and got all the information, it was about 4:00 or so when we got there.  There was still plenty of time to get hot springing in my mind.  I was a little concerned about being pregnant and being in the warm water, but the temperatures weren't nearly as hot as a bath I would take - which doesn't make my baths right, but well, I think she was all right with the temps.  We got to our cabin and I had some slight issues with the distance to the bathroom and the lack of kitchen - again, things I knew coming into it, but things I forget.  And yes, I like camping, love it I should say.  So, I often don't even have a bathroom, I use the woods and kitchen - nope, we use a tiny burner to cook food, but for some reason, I struggle with the middle ground, like either give me it all or nothing.  Anyways, I got over it...finally, eventually.

But before all of that, we got ready to head to the hot springs.  Johanna and Clint were going to hike about a 1/4 of a mile up the mountain to get to the most natural hot springs.  Sean and I decided that doing that, or rather doing the down part in the dark with Liam might be difficult so we went to the near pools.  And they were great, there were 2, one upper, a little warmer and a cooler one.  Liam had a blast, swimming around, splashing, talking to people, just about everything.  It was getting late and we decided it was time to head back to the cabin.  Somehow, it got really late, so Liam had a few snacks, a typical dinner for him and we laid down for bed.  Now, the cabin we were in was really tiny, a bed and a table downstairs and a loft up.  There wasn't a lot of room for anything other than being in bed.  I'm not complaining, I enjoyed the fact that I was "stuck" in bed.  So, we all dozed off until Johanna and Clint came back.  I stayed with Liam while Sean went to get us some food, make it, I mean.  He brought food back, we ate, had cake for Johanna and Sean decided we should head back out to the springs.  And we did.  Johanna and Clint watched Liam, thankfully he slept the whole time and we snuck off to pretty much heaven, a hot spring under the crystal clear starry sky, alone, in the peace and quiet of nature, again, pretty much heaven.

It was so nice, so nice to be away from everything, to be with each other and to just enjoy the mountains - something we moved here for.  The next day we went to the top - barely made it up and down, but it was amazing, the natural spring that was warm in the cold day.  I'm sure I could write more and more and more, but for now, I'll leave it at that, I'll remember all the good things and let it be.  It was a great place to go and we plan to go back.  It was a good escape, scratch that, a great escape.

Choose your own adventure

It was another weekend passed and another weekend full of fun, adventure and good times.  I'd be great if that's all that the weekend encompassed.  However, I have been having a few rough days, struggling with my limitations, forgetting all the great things I am doing while pregnant, feeling less like myself and more like I'm falling out of the loop of fun things.  I've been feeling like plans are made without me, like I'm being left behind in all the adventures that are ahead of us, or what was supposed to be ahead of us.  We moved here for adventures, to be outside, for the mountains and I feel like the last few months, we have not taken advantage of that.  We have been dealing with the house and going to the same parks, and I have been wanting new and new and new adventure for quite some time.  So, when I found out Sean was taking a new adventure, I thought it was great, good for him, but felt left behind and forgotten about.  I mean, when do I get to take an adventure - that's a new one, that's something we haven't done before, that challenges me and takes me to the mountains.  Perhaps I need to find one on my own, and I'd be happy to, but mostly I'll have Liam and this other baby to take care of.  So, what am I to do?  Just wait around for an adventure to come and get me or make a plan to have one.  It's been a hard balance and I can't ever be sure I'll find the answers to it, but this weekend sure did help.

Sean and I went back to the place we went to the day before - of course, we didn't take our snowboards, just our snowshoes, Liam in a back pack, our hiking poles and we headed on our way - and we got out of the house impressively quick, it's nice to have some sort organization, makes going on the trips that much more fun.  So, we went, after debating and me being upset about this or that, or everything...and it was amazing.  We went to Berthoud Pass, Sean took most of the pictures, but I got a few to start the day - this was what I think might be our first family selfie - Burton had to stay home, or rather, was too tired to get off the couch to greet me last night from his adventure with Sean.  So, it's not a full family selfie, but you get the picture!

Liam wasn't looking so he gets his own - with his super cool shades that he put on by himself.  Oh and yes, those are the most awesome long underwear ever - some cuddle duds for him, a matching set with the cutest little forest animals on them...picked some up for his sister so one day, they will be matching!  And the first picture, he needed to take his socks off, and yes, we were still in the driveway.  

So, off we went, to do some back country snowshoeing, so I can see what it would be like to ever back country snowboard, so we can get some fresh mountain air and beautiful sunshine, so we can spend some time together, as a family, lost(ish) in the mountains as we always dreamed about.  We drove about an hour or so to get to the area we were going to walk in.  It was a bit crowded, most people seemed to be wrapping up their day of skiing or riding, but we had plenty of time to hike...so off we went.  I'm sure I can spend much more time of this hike, like that we joked to set up base camp after about 10 minutes of hiking, or how I fell into some deep snow, up to my knees and hate to fight my way out.  But, I think more was learned and we talked, and experienced the nature as we hadn't in a long time.  The views were amazing, the air was clear, the hills were steep, and through it all, we discovered a few things.  

We need to have a plan - some plans or things we want to do this year, set them and accomplish them.  I want to sleep under the stars for 12 months (stole that from another outdoor blog), but in all reality, that might be hard with a new baby, so we will shoot for 6 months, hoping that the first will be in a couple of weeks.  We want to climb 14ers, but with 2 kids and no llama to be our Sherpa, that may not happen this year, that doesn't mean we can't clime 12ers, or even lower peaks to see how the kids handle long hikes, etc.  We want to do so many things, I think we forget that the world is ours, it's open and it's ours.  The world we want is in our backyard, it's 5 minutes away, it's 4 hours away.  Regardless, we can pick what we want to do, and I have a say in it, pregnant or not, newborn or not, we are going to continue to experience the life we moved here for and now that we are more settled, we will be able to do that more and more.  

So, it's time to choose, I can continue to feel left out of adventures, or I can turn ahead to the next page an I can go climbing today over lunch to get ready for next summer's climbs.  And my choice, will be to turn the page, move ahead and live the life I want and that we want, remembering who I am deep down inside and letting that person out, whether I am pregnant, nursing a newborn or lugging around a toddler and a little kid in a few years, I can still be me and we can still choose the next page for the best adventure yet.