Looking back...

It's always good for me to sit and look back on things, whether it be a long weekend, a work event, or in this case, the whole year.  It's also a good way for me to get back into my blogging, it's been too long since I have visited here, shared my thoughts and memories for me to look back on.  So here I am, I know, you have been waiting and waiting for this, right? :)

It has been a wild year, to say the least.  I have so many ups and downs, I'm not even sure where to start.  I started the year pregnant with Cora, she was giving me a hard time, but I worked through it.  I even managed to get some snowboarding in when I was 7 months pregnant at our State Winter Games, which we had to cancel - which brought many tears...but instead of focusing on that, I think I'll look forward to this year and making sure our event makes up for it!  Then I was just working, working and working.  We had State Basketball, which had over 100 teams and was exhausting!  Being 8 months pregnant, running here and there took a tole, but I made it through.  During all of this, I was preparing for Summer Games, since I was going to have Cora a month or so before that.  There was very little downtime at work for me, since I wanted to be as prepared as possible for the Summer Games.  I knew I was going to be out for a while, but also knew I wanted to get back to work as soon as possible, rather to get things in order for the games.  I went through a lot of emotions when I realized it was possible that I was going to miss Summer Games due to Cora.  I couldn't miss Summer Games - I haven't missed a Summer Games in 15 years, I couldn't this year.  So, through some tears, pleading and proposals of my plan it worked out, I was able to work from home with Cora leading up to the games and had her with me most of the games.  It was great, it was hard, but it was worth it.

Then there was Cora, my sweet little baby girl...who came to us in the most amazing way possible.  I think back to it all, to the labor, to the times I told Sean I couldn't do it, to when he said it was time to go, to when all of a sudden, she was here.  The moment was amazing, it was everything I wanted and more.  Sean got to catch my wonderful baby girl and she has been amazing from day one.  She has nursed like a champ, she sleeps pretty well and while I still spend way too much time cuddling her, it is worth every minute of it.  Maybe I don't get my evening work out in, or maybe the laundry stays in the dryer a bit longer, but her snuggles and cuddles are worth each and every moment.  I am soaking them up, watching her sleeping and nurse and just being in love with everything about her.

And then there is Liam, that kid.  I love that kid so much.  He has such a mind of his own, his imagination is amazing and his spirit is beyond incredible.  I am so lucky to have this boy with such energy, and so much love for everything.  I mean, he is a 3 year old, so he has his moments, but when he is in a good mood, he is the sweetest.  I love the way he wants to help cheer up Cora, as a matter of fact, yesterday, he was pouting because she was still crying after he tried to make her feel better.  He wants to help to everything, I can do that, he says quite often...he wants to help daddy when daddy is working, he wants to help mommy when I'm cooking...his world is just a canvas for him  to learn and I hope we are teaching him well.

And I'm sure there are a million more things we did this year that remind me of how lucky I am to be where I am be with the people I'm with.  I took the kids back to Illinois for a fun trip, we had lots of visitors that help remind us of the paradise we live in.  We started some traditions like donuts from downtown Evergreen and a hike by the lake on a weekend morning when we are both home.  We are reminded that people don't to be related to be family.  We were lucky to have sold our house in IL, just recently, which was both relieving and sad all at the same time.

We finally camped this summer in our new camper and it was amazing.  I was reminded how much I love to camp...and the places we get to go and the stars we can see on each trip are such a reminder of what a beautiful place we live in.  We went on adventures as a family that I enjoy more than I thought.  The kids are loving being outside - if Liam is in the right mood, he will stay outside all day and night, with no complaints, except when it's time to come inside.

I was reminded of the strong person I am the person I want to keep being for me and for my kids.  I am finding the balance of being a mom, working, being a wife and still being the person I want to be. I have rediscovered my desire to do things, like snowboarding and climbing and even though I have kids, I can still be the person I was once...I will just need to adjust my expectations a bit.

It has been a beyond incredible year for me and for us as a family.  We are so blessed to have so many people to be thankful for in our lives.  We wake up in paradise every morning and while we have to work and live our lives each day, which is not always easy, we always get to come home to our mountain retreat, endless stars and a home we have created.

P.S.  These kiddos have become more than a big part of my life, they are my life...something no one really tells you about being a parent...oh, that, and they will drive you crazy any chance you get and make you laugh and smile harder than you ever have in your life.  I wouldn't trade them for the world and I look forward to seeing what the new year brings for all of us, especially them!

Three

It's the magic number, right...yes, yes it is.  Yesterday Liam turned three.  How is that possible?  How was he born just 3 years ago, I feel like so much has happened in that time, I can't even wrap my head around it.  I think back on the day he was born, his story, our first few months, our first year and so on.  And I am so proud of that little guy - he is turning into such a kid, such his own person, which is great!  Of course, he has his moments, many of them, but most kids do, right?  So today I will take a few minutes to remember what I love most about him right now.  There aren't words to really express how much I love him, how much my love has grown as he has grown, but here are just a few things that make me smile about him for now, would love to freeze these moments in time:

• I love the way he cuddles and plays with Cora, a little too hard at some point, but he will just come up and hug and kiss her in the sweetest way.  I also love the way he says "Sweetie, it's OK" when she is crying, similar to how I say it to her.
• He is a parrot - he repeats what we say, which can be quite funny - he got us all laughing this weekend when he repeated my mom saying "Oh gosh" and then continued to say it over and over as we laughed.
• He is ready to do things on his own, get out his cereal in the morning, get his boots on, so many things that he does each day to help me, makes me so happy to have the help and a little sad he isn't needing me in that way so much anymore.  
• During bath time, he thinks it's hilarious to sit in Cora's bathtub after she gets out.  I have no idea how he manages to get in and out, but he does and he giggles when he is in there in such a goofy silly way.
• He still stomps his little feet into our bedroom some nights and while some nights Sean takes him back to his room, some nights he climbs up and sneaks in without us knowing, it typically means that Cora wakes up when I move here and I have little to no room to sleep, but it's the most loving night of "rest" I can get.  He's getting so big I'm not sure how long he'll fit in bed with us, but I'll let it keep happening as long as he wants.  
• The faces he makes, the way he rolls his eyes at us (how does a 3 year old even know what that means), the smiles he gives when he knows he is asking for something he shouldn't have and they way he knows how to make me laugh when I need it the most.
• How he hugs and kisses me - I feel like hugs and kisses with kids are always changing, but right now, he runs to me, tries to tackle me and hugs me so big, I love it...even if I'm not expecting it and he tackles me.
• Reading books with him when he can fill in some of the words, hearing him learn new words and new sounds and just listening to him talk, sometimes I still have no idea what he is saying, but he is talking and he knows what he wants!

I'm sure I can go on and on and perhaps I'll add more later, but for now, I will be done with his 3 year post, maybe someday he'll want to read these, most likely I'll sit and cry and read these when he is a teenager, but whatever the case may be, I'm happy to capture these moments, just for a little bit longer.

This was my last picture of my 2 year old, the night before his 3rd birthday.

Two years

It has been just over 2 years since we made the move, the leap, the jump to give up all safety and security of our prior life to live our dream.  And some days it seems like we have been here for forever, while some days it seems like we are just getting our feet wet on this new crazy adventure.  So I sit here today and I think about how much has happened since we have been here.  We moved and bought a house, have changed cars a few times, had a few different people take care of Liam, got plenty of visitors that we showed a good time to, took some trips back to IL, had a baby and explored the state that we have grown to love.  We have both worked more hours than we can count in our new jobs and have become more comfortable overall with everything.

I have loved getting settled here and it has been hard at times as well.  Yes, it would be much easier to be closer to family, to have someone to call at any moment to come over and help.  It would help to have someone to call or visit when Sean is working every hour possible during a given week.  It would help to have a few more weekends off together, not me working every weekend he's not working during certain months.  And yes, it would be great to see everyone more, much more.  I loved watching my nieces and nephews grow up and miss that people won't see that with my kids on a regular basis.

But then I look around and remember a day like we had on Tuesday.  It was a perfect day.  We got a foot of snow so we started shoveling bright and early.  Liam had to move the snow to find that patio and exclaimed with great excitement to me when he found it.  We then came in for a wonderful pancake breakfast and some play time before lunch.

After lunch it was time to play in the snow some more.  Everyone got bundled up and after a few tears, we geared up and went outside.  Liam was excited to snowshoe this year like a big boy.  He said that a few times and it was so sweet.  Then we walked through our yard for Sean to find a good place to snowboard down the front yard.  He made a track for Liam to snowboard and sled.  Cora just snuggled up with me as we walked through our winter wonderland backyard.  Liam laughed and giggled, ate snow, giggled some more and had so much fun.  I loved watching him have so much fun, he really just enjoying being outside, more than I even knew possible.  I mean, I love being outside and being in the snow,  Maybe it has to do with us being December babies, but whatever it is, we love the snow.  There is nothing better than a snowy, sunny day, a day to play in the snow, frolic, laugh and fall down and enjoy the day.  Then we hit our end point, the point where it was just too much for him, nap time and he was beyond done.  We had a great day, a perfect day, according to him.  There was nothing we did that was about us, he was in charge, he was the guy showing us what to do and he was having fun.  And he napped - hard, it was great!  We had a nice afternoon with friends, had chili and a fire, a perfect snow day.

And I was reminded why we moved, why we did what we did, jumped across the country.  Yes, we could have had nice days where we were, but honestly, there is something in the air here and makes me smile.  Looking out the front window and seeing a magnificent winter wonderful is heavenly to me, I almost feel like I don't deserve to have the view I have.  I feel like all the hard work we are doing is worth it, the extra hours, the time where we are alone, it's all worth it.

We made one of the hardest decisions of our lives to this point 2 years ago to pick up our life, our work, our family.  We have struggled at times, I've cried plenty about being on my own with Sean working too much, especially at first.  But each day we spend here, we get stronger.  Each night I am alone with both kids, fighting dinner, bedtimes and everything in between, we all hug tighter those nights.  I spend an extra few minutes kissing Liam at night, maybe harder than usual without a worry to wake him so I can tell him how much I love him.  And I smile and now we made the right choice - the hard choice, but the right one.  He belongs here, we belong here and 2 years have provided us with so much - so many chances to live our dreams, to explore the new land we are in.  We get to call the mountains home and that makes me smile inside and out - and that smile a little bigger for my kids, who just love being here, being outside and living this life.

It's a better day to be grateful

It has been a very busy few weeks for us, rather few months, but that's how we roll, so that isn't all that strange.  We are finally being settled for a few days and have a weekend with no plans.  Even though Sean will be working, I plan on taking the time to get our house back in order after our trip back to Illinois and our latest camping trip.  If it actually happens will be another story.

My plan was to get something done last night.  Sean was working on a case, something I hadn't been around for in a while.  I had to get the kids up yesterday morning, get them to day care, get to work, get home and get them and so on.  At times, Cora is starting to want to do more, play more and need more attention than me just sitting in one place nursing her.  We did play outside for a while, but then it ended up being a lazy night and we watched a movie.  It was bedtime and I was getting a little nervous - we got out of our good routine and it was the first night in a long time I had to put Liam to bed while I had Cora.  It actually worked out well, we did some stories and then snuggled.  Liam was too busy making Cora laugh to go to sleep, so I decided it was time for us to leave.  He wasn't happy about that and we went through our normal, stay in bed or I shut your door, pitter patter feet, door shut, crying, me saying get back into bed and finally with Liam in bed, I sat in the rocking chair for a few minutes as he dozed off.  I snuck downstairs, fed Cora off to sleep and watching some TV for a bit.  Success, both kids were sleeping by 8:30 or so, of course Cora was on my lap, but so be it, it stopped me from getting up to get too many late night snacks!

We had a rough night, Liam woke up at some point and came into our room.  He ended up spitting up a couple of times in our bed.  Had to clean up and change the sheets - of course, Cora was actually sleeping at this point, until I had to move her for sheet changing.  Liam went back to his bed and I snuggled him for a bit until I heard Cora getting fussy, so I went back to our room to try and get her settled.  And then I hear him coughing so more, so I run back to his room to clean up a little more spit up.  Thankfully, he had an extra sheet and blanket on his bed from when he went to bed in underpants the other night, so that was a quick clean up - he asked for more cuddles and he finally drifted off to sleep.  This takes us to about 3:00 AM and Cora thinks it's way too funny to be awake right now - she was so not sleeping!  I mostly assumed I was done sleeping for the night, but I got her to lay down and nurse - I have no idea when she fell asleep, but I finally did.

Sean came home around 5:00 AM or so, seeing a few bears on the way and went in to snuggle with Liam.  Cora was wide awake around 6:30 when I got out of the shower so we went downstairs to get ready for the day.  It was getting time for me to leave and I had to pry Liam out of bed, crying for daddy the whole time.  I was worried we were going to have a really rough time getting to Sharon's, however, when we went in Liam's room to get dressed, we looked out the window and saw 2 deer eating, right there.  Then, we kept looking and saw about 7 total deer, including a baby one.  The mood of the morning changed, Liam was so excited to see the deer, he forgot about how upset he was...it was great.  I was so happy to were able to turn things around like that.  We left to go to Sharon's and a deer blocked our path to our car - a little alarming, but ran away as we got closer.

  And drop off went great, Liam didn't cry today, Cora was happy and I was on my way to work, half asleep, but somehow feeling positive about life, about our day and also feeling grateful, so grateful.

I feel like today is always a day we are told to remember everything about 9/11 - the bad things that happened, the way a country came together and most importantly, everyone that lost their lives.  I always remember the trip my friend and I took to NY just a few days before and the run I took with no sound of airplanes.  I remember the prayers I said on that run for everyone involved and how grateful I felt to be home with my family. 

And today, I think about the same things, I think about how one day, Liam and Cora will learn about this in school and we will talk about it.  But I also feel so grateful today, grateful to be where I am with my family, grateful to have a family and friends both near and far.  I have been having a hard time getting my words and thoughts together today, perhaps it's the lack of sleep or perhaps it's the magnitude of the day, or perhaps I haven't been able to get my thoughts straight since the shooting in Fox Lake last week. 

I've been wanting to make sense of another pointless tragedy that has taken place, but no sense can be made from it.  And the more it is covered, the more those killers are sensationalized, the more it is about them and it wasn't about them.  It was about Lt. Joe.  I have wanted to write about him, about the situation for a while, and I guess today is the day.

I was so lucky to have met Lt. Joe.  He worked with me on the Polar Plunge and I loved his energy, it was infectious.  I remember asking him one day how it maintained it - it was a natural high, he would say, from being up at 4:30 AM working out that day.  I'm pretty sure I had Liam just before that and I couldn't even think of being awake at that time, but he said, if it mattered, you'd make time for it.  Since his passing, that's all I can think about when I read stories about him, see the coverage etc.  I've been thinking about what matters, how precious life is, how you really never know when something might happen.  And you can live in fear of it all or you can just accept it and make the most of life that you have, which is what I am trying to do.  I'm trying to remember the conversations I had with Lt. Joe and the smile he always had on his face, and how anything you asked of him, wasn't a problem.  It was so inspiring to see so many people pull together as a community, a community I was honored to work with on the Polar Plunge, a community that amazed me during those days and a community that showed America and everyone what one small community can do if it pulls together.  And Lt. Joe was the reason behind it all, he brought the best out of everyone he knew, even the little bit I knew him.  I'm sure I can keep writing about him and the situation, again, it has been in my head and heart for so long.  So many people sad so many great things about him, the person he was, the spirit he had...and I am choosing to be inspired by it and by him and take this all as a reminder, a reminder that it really doesn't matter if Liam forgets to use the potty, or doesn't listen to something I say.  What matters is how I react to it all, so that Liam and Cora can learn to be a happy and grateful person, because that is what I feel right now, grateful - to be here on earth to make a difference, to be able to embrace those kiddos and my husband every night and to be grateful that I have life and to make the most of it.  All in all, it's a good day to remember, but it's a better day to be grateful.

Balance

Balance - it has always been a struggle for me, I tend to be an all in or all out kind of person.  I have gotten better at that, but again, it's just tough sometimes.  So, I was excited when I decided I wanted to have a very balanced weekend - we would spend one day on a super awesome hike - something we had never done before.  We'd spend the other day keeping things pretty local, maybe me getting my run in, maybe the beach nearby and then just cleaning, doing laundry and me getting things ready for our trip.  The plan was going to work out.  I got home a little early on Friday and we decided to meet some friends for an early dinner.  Dinner went mostly well, so well that we decided to hang out after dinner for a bit.  It was like we had a life again.  Liam was in a good mood, Cora was happy - all was good. 


We got home, got the kids to bed and watched Gone Girl, which I mostly slept through, even though I read the book.  We headed upstairs and Cora was being a little fussy so she slept in bed with us.  At some point, Liam came in and I snuggled Cora nice and close to make sure Liam had his space.  Little Cora wanted to eat most of the night, which was fine since we have had success at lay down nursing, just not when Liam is in bed with us.  So, I took her with me to Liam's bed and we slept well, until Sean came in and mentioned his stomach hurt.  No need to go into all the details, but the bottom line was that we weren't going anywhere.  No hike today, no beach, nothing at all, at least for a while.  Ugh, I was bummed, I really needed and wanted to do something new and exciting, instead we stayed home and played, which Liam does really well.  Sean laid around and we hung out - no cleaning, no going out, nothing really.  And all of that would have been fine, except for the fact that on Sunday Sean was going to go climbing with a friend, leaving me at home again with the kids.  Yes, I could have gone out and done something, but I struggle with that still.  I have to find the balance of that as well - taking the kids out on my own, which I feel is a bit more difficult since I am still nursing her.  She has her moments where I can plan to go out during feeds, and feed her when I am out, I just don't know if I trust Liam enough to play well while I am doing that.  I should have just taken them to the park, she does nurse well in her carriers, that way I can keep an eye on Liam and feed her, oh well, lesson learned for next time Sean gets so sick!


So, everyone took a nap and I relaxed, catching up on some trashy TV.  Sean was feeling better after his nap and eating a bit, enough so to take the kids to the pool and go swimming.  Liam loves to swim, that kid is a fish with no fear.  I know he will want to swim all next week at my parents - and I'm hoping the water isn't too cold.  Cora seems to enjoy the water as well, she floats a bit, kicks her legs and giggles a lot.  We swam for a bit and headed home to a nice dinner and quiet night.  We shut the TV off nice and early to get our yoga in before bedtime.  I knew Sean was going to go climbing, it was an exciting trip for him and it was part of his birthday present, ha, mostly all of it, I guess...except for the moose that greets us daily now. 


He made his plans and headed out, we had a nice morning, Liam played, watched a little movie while I sneezed my brains out and blew my nose, needless to say I felt like going no where.  So, here I sit, again, in the house with the kids, not feeling well and needing a break.  Sean got home and I decided we should take a ride up to Mt. Evans.  The road was finally open and I wasn't sure if we'd get another chance to go.  We  head out, up and up and up, winding roads leading to reach over 14,000 feet.  And of course, on the way up, I started to not feel good, so we switched and I drove, which was a little alarming, pretty close to the edges at some points.  We saw mountain goats on the way up, even baby ones.  We finally got to the top and go out to walk around.  Liam had a blast, clearly he doesn't have any altitude issues at all.  Cora was happy as well, she ate a little and giggled a lot.


And then it came time to drive back down, I knew I didn't want to do that, so I had Sean take the wheel, it was fine, we coasted down, saw plenty of mountain goats and other wildlife on the way...it was fun, very fun, until the screaming started.  It was Cora, and she was upset.  At this point, it was getting pretty late and I mostly just wanted to get home for dinner.  We did stop at one spot for Liam to try and go potty, which he did, but I think that upset her more.  As she started to cry a bit, we pushed onward, figuring she'd take her pacifier and calm down and maybe fall asleep.  She did for a bit, but then it hit, full on upset and super mad screaming and crying.  It was like with each scream a knife dug into my heart, thinking I made a huge mistake, we should have stayed home, etc.  It was tough.  We stopped once, I fed her a bit and she was content...then, when I went to put her back in her car seat, I clipped her finger and she got even more upset.  But, she again took her pacifier and calmed down...until the next screaming began.  It was terrible, we stopped again, by this point, Liam is wanting to get out, bedtime is getting close and I feel stressed.  Not like I can slow down and breath stress, but oh my gosh, what is wrong my baby stress.  And deep down, I knew nothing was wrong with her.  So, I changed her diaper again, she was a poop machine that day and fed her a bit more and got her back in her seat.

Sean decided to go in the back to sit with the kids, and of course, she laughed most of the rest of the way home.  Then Liam says that his stomach hurts.  Thankfully I had a coughing bowl (a tupperware container) in the car from another trip we took and as he started to cough, Sean was able to catch all of it.  So, again, we pulled over.  And I was done at this point, done with trips, done with adventures, just done.  I dumped out the puke in the bowl and as I looked up to turn to get back in the car, we saw a whole herd of elk in the not so far distance.  They were in a small lake, playing, swimming, splashing, even the babies.  It was so amazing and beautiful.  Liam loved watching them, Sean went ahead and pointed out that if Liam didn't get sick, if we didn't stop all those times, etc., we might have missed them.  I thought it as soon as I saw them.  We sat for a while, Cora happy and giggly, Liam saying wow, pointing and yelling look mommy, the babies and all was right...and the trip was worth it.  Or was it, I still struggle with knowing what to expect from my kids on these trips and what to expect from me on these trips.  I don't expect tons, I tend to do a pretty good job of feeding Cora and making sure she is happy before we hit the road, but yesterday was an off day, I guess.


And that's how I plan to look at it, as an off day, or an error of leaving the summit too soon and maybe trying to feed her more.  Or perhaps her ears were popping as mine were.  But instead of thinking I shouldn't leave the house for the next ten years (because I did tell Sean that), maybe I just learn and continue to improve the adventures we have.  I have to remember that even before kids our adventures weren't perfect, after all, that is what makes them adventures.  I'm already looking forward to the next camping trip, the next chance for these kids to love the adventures we take, but remembering to take time for me to enjoy them as well. 

No words

So, I sit here in a few minutes of peace for the weekend, after a long week, after a super busy time for Sean - not sure how long it will last and there are a million other things that I should be doing, but I can't seem to tear myself away from watching the Special Olympics Opening Ceremonies coverage.  I didn't see it all last night, we went to an outside movie showing of Star Wars (which was quite fun).  So, anyways, I am catching up.  I saw some of the ceremonies, on TV in the restaurant we had dinner at - how cool is that?  At some point, Liam was watching and waving as the athletes walked in, it was so sweet.  Anyways, I start to talk about how cool it is, I start to think about how amazing it all is, it makes my eyes well up with joy.  I can't seem to find words to express how it makes me feel to see this amazing coverage.  It has happened, the world has embraced Special Olympics and the athletes are given their chance to shine.  I watch the parade in, I see the athletes and hear the stories and I'm amazed.  The coverage is unreal - they are really taking the time to highlight the athletes and somehow get everyone to feel the things I feel everyday with my job.

I am still struggling to find words to put in this blog - to express how great this is.  I hope that this will be the start of always covering the games, no matter where it is.  I want this to be on TV all the time, so Liam and Cora can watch and now that it should just be a part of life.  I mean, let's be honest, they don't have much of a choice, they were both at State Games when they were 6 weeks old...but for them to see it on the bigger stage, the biggest stage possible.  I sit here and wonder when will be my time to be a part of world games.  I was lucky enough to be a part of USA Games and I'm sure I'll get to do that again, but the World - that's a dream of mine for sure.  So, I watch, with wide eyes as we wait for Team USA to come in, to watch, to see if I can find people I know, people who will tell me how awesome it was and people who inspire me.  And I figure out how to get there.  And I figure out how else to leave my stamp on this amazing organization.

It's hard for me to find words because Special Olympics to should always be on this stage.  Let's be honest, professional sports are full of crap, just pure crap.  While there are the good people, there are also so many people in professional sports that are so full of themselves, so caught up in money and greed that they have no clue what the meaning of Sports even is.  These athletes, the ones marching in right now, these are the athletes that can teach those jerks about sports - about competing, about the love of the game.  And I am so happy to hear the stories about the athletes that are there, that are helping out teams to get to the games, walking with the athletes and realizing how important Special Olympics is.  Sorry, didn't mean to turn negative, like I said, it's been a tough weekend and week.  Watching this has reminded me why I do what I do, why Special Olympics has been such a part of my life for 15 years and will always remain a part of my life.

I'm not sure how many more times I will cry while watching it, but this morning, when Liam asked, I totally got choked up - because I realized what I got to tell him.  I'm not sitting in front of my computer streaming the ceremonies, I'm watching it broad casted on ESPN.

See, I still can't find words, this blog is all over the place.  But at the end of the day, the stories I hear are amazing.  The athletes are stars and finally the rest of the world can see what I have known for about 15 years.  A baby is crying so I best go for now...but I'm sure I'll have plenty more to say about all of this.  Go USA, but more importantly, go Special Olympics athletes, you all are amazing!

Back to work

Yes, it was time last Monday for me to go back to the office.  No, I haven't been off of work since Cora was born, but I was working from home, which meant no commute!  It also meant I wasn't really able to have a schedule.  While I was happy to work from home as long as I did, I kind of wish I had a few more weeks, it was good for me to be back in the office.  It is nice to be around other adults and it is also nice for me to be able to leave work at work - well, at least as much as I can.  It was hard, though, hard to leave on Monday morning, when I left Sean with the kids all day.  Of course I cried when I left and cried for a bit in the car.  She has been attached to me in some way for the past 10 weeks and now I just need to forget about that, or rid myself of her.  No way, too hard.  But we made it, we made it through the first week.  

It was funny on Friday, I was so excited for it to be Friday, it meant I got 2 whole days with the kiddos and maybe some time with Sean.  I was so excited to be able to have nothing planned and just hang out with them.  I was thrilled to be home on Friday, so thrilled.  We didn't have any big plans, but I knew we'd find plenty to do.  It was a nice weekend, nothing too crazy, nothing out of the ordinary for us, a nice hike at the dog park, some nice time at home to clean and get a few things done, a few projects to start and plenty of time to cuddle.

I think Cora had a little cold from her first week at daycare, which of course, also made me feel terrible for leaving her at day care.  But what can I do?  We have talked long and hard and it's not really possible for me not to work.   Plus, I like working, I like my co-workers and I love what I do.  I couldn't imagine not doing it.  So, we make it work.  Sean gets days to be home with the kids that are during the week, which makes me so jealous.  I get the weekends to enjoy the kids as much as I can.  Sean worked quite a bit this weekend, which left me with the kids.  It was a good test of patience and for the most part, I passed!

And I sit her on Sunday night and I worry about the next week - again, will she be a good baby again?  Will Liam be a good big brother?  Will I pump enough milk for her?  That's one thing for sure I don't miss, my pump - what a love/hate relationship we have!

Someone did tell me that is gets easier to leave the kids - never easy, but easier.  I didn't cry today when I left, could be because I wanted to leave so early so I can come home nice and early, or could be because everyone was still sleeping at 6:30 AM and I didn't want to wake them, or maybe because I know she is in great hands at daycare.  Whatever the case may be, I'm sure there will be more days where I cry again, where I am sad to leave the kids.  There will be plenty days were I wish it'd work out and I could be home with the kids instead of sending them to day care, but one thing work has reminded me is how much to appreciate the time I have with the kids and with Sean - to not waste that time being worried the dishes are piling up, or the laundry needs to be done, but rather enjoying a few last snuggles with Cora or playing with Liam as he learns and get more creative.  So, that's the plan - take care of what I have to take care of and get home to enjoy the time I have with my family - even the times when no one listens to me! :)