I'm ready for some goals for the year!

2018 - how does that happen?  I'm 40, Liam is 5, life is moving so fast.  I've been reminded recently that life is precious and you have to enjoy what you are doing and make the most of what you have.  Sometimes, that blows up in my face...sometimes I want to just spend a day on the couch in my pjs watching TV...but sometimes I find this streak of motivation that reminds me of all the things I can and should be doing. 

So, I have been thinking about my goals, resolutions you might say, quite a bit the past few days.  Sure, I could have spend some time last week and actually having these all done by New Year's, but I was having way too much fun with visits from the family to worry about that.  I have had a few days back at work, back in routine and some time to reflect on 2017 and look to 2018.  Reflections will come later, hopefully, but for now, I'm ready to outline my main focuses and goals for 2018.

1.  Mountain Biking - this year was my first awesomely fun season mountain biking.  I made it up hills I cried on last year, I didn't really even get bloody and I really did embrace and enjoy the speed and rush of it all.  So, my plan for 2018 is to get into the season earlier.  Last year I didn't ride until July or August.  This year, as soon as the weather is good and the trails are dry, I plan to hit and make the most of it.  My 2 main goals for the season are to ride Lair O' the Bear to Pence Park and back in under 2 hours.  Last year, I only went one way, the mostly downhill way - this year - under 2 hours.  My second goal will be to ride to the first split up Three Sister's without stopping.  It's a serious climb all the way up and I want to make it!  Oh yeah, and I'm going to do a race this year - it's already in the books, now I just need to sign up!

2.  Running - just do it, even if it is only once this year...and enjoy it...get outside, get lost and enjoy running.

3.  Camping - spend at last 1 night under the stars camping each month.  While this might end up us being in the camper in the front yard, I want to be reminded to get out, we have the toys, we best use them.  Within camping, I'd like to take at least 2 backpacking trips from our "base camp," even if it's just a mile into the woods - there is such an amazing feeling about surviving on what you have on your back, sleeping in the peace and soaking in the endless starry skies.

4.  Hiking - do it more!  Take at least 2 hikes without the kids - longer hikes to connect with myself and nature again.  And make Liam and Cora hike more.  I want to work with Liam on a goal for hiking for him, counting his miles, something to help him.  He has been a good hiker, but I'm ready for him to be my hiking buddy (he promised he would be the other day...he also promised to hold my hand for forever, even in high school - please don't burst my bubble on this one).

5.  Fitness - still finalizing this, I have a few things in mind, but right now, just improve my strength and cardio.

6.  Family - many of the above goals involve the family, but to always put them first and remember how hard we are all working to make our family great - we each play a part, reminding the kids how important they are to the family and showing them could do so much for them, for me, for all of us.

7.  Home/House - I always want our house to feel like a home, but sometimes you need to deal with the house parts.  We will spend one month of each year decluttering, cleaning and organizing a room.  We can paint, rearrange things, get new furniture if we think we need it, but also eliminating things we don't need.  I also have plans for a quick remodel of the kitchen, but first we need to finish the garage and the upstairs bathroom...then, I'm super excited to maybe get a dishwasher.  But first - January - overall organization before we make messes!

8.  Read - at least 3 books - currently I'm working on Granite Mountain, you know, the terribly sad one that they made Only the Brave out of - the movie I haven't seen yet, mostly because I am going to cry through the entire thing...I haven't cried in the book yet, so that's a good sign!  I'll take suggestions for anything more uplifting that that!

And for now, I will stop this list.  I have a few more overall goals - like being sure to allow myself to take some breaks, separate from what I love to recharge, maintain a positive outlook, play with the kids and make sure we all see and be the good in the world.  Life is too short not too, right?  So, I plan on working hard this year, but also having fun, lots and lots of fun.  I want to make memories and laugh a lot...you know, the really hard laughing that hurts, especially after you worked your abs too hard that day...that's what I want 2018 to bring, and sometimes you have to work for what you want!  Who's ready to really kick some ass in 2018?  Looks like I am!

A picture not taken

Last Friday was a day left quite an impression on me in many ways.  There was a fire fighter that had passed away from another department earlier in the week and his funeral and procession planned on taking place on Friday.  I happen to be home with the kids and knew it was something important I wanted to be a part of.  I then found out that Sean would be at the funeral and in the procession...I knew we couldn't miss it.  I rearranged a few things, checked the route and found what would be a pretty good spot for the procession.  I was very careful to not call it a parade for Liam and wanted him to understand a bit of what was going on.

I also knew I was going to cry, a lot...and have to explain that to Liam.  Liam knows I cry, he knows I cry when I'm happy and when I'm sad.  Most times I tell him I am crying because he has made my heart so happy, and he is so proud of those times.  So, off we go, we went down 285 to University.  I planned to turn her to find our spot.  Police officers were already staged at this intersection and that made me cry already - it was going to be a long hour or so.  We got to where we planned to watch, there were a few police officers at the intersection where we were to block off traffic.  We were a little early so we did some running around on the path and playing.  I found a blanket in our car and found a nice spot in the shade to watch.  

As we sat down, I talked to Liam, told him a fireman had died.  I told him this was a sad time and we needed to be a little serious.  We ran around for a bit more and got updates from Sean as they were staging, getting ready to leave, etc.  He had questions, but I feel like they were all really good questions for a 4 year old.  Why did it happen?  How do people die?  His questions were all very real and down to earth, he didn't seem to be scared about anything, which I was a little worried about.  We talked for a while and he seemed to understand a bit.  

He was getting antsy and I saw the sirens from the police motorcycles headed our way.  There were maybe 20 of them or so and I took a picture.  It was the last time I looked at my phone until we left.  I just couldn't think to take pictures.  The first truck that went by was an older one with firefighters on top.  This was followed by family in regular cars.  Liam asked where the fire trucks were and I explained to him who those people were.  He sat down in my lap and I hugged him, tears streaming down my face, hoping and praying that we never have to be in a procession like this.  And this is where he stayed, on my lap, being hugged by me and catching my tears.  Cora stood next to me and as more fire trucks came by, more and more firefighters waved to us.  Cora waved to every single one of them.  Sean's truck was soon at the beginning, so I prepared the kids, telling them daddy's truck was coming.

And then it happened, they were in front of us, each of them, hanging out the window waving to us, Sean leaning out to blow us a kiss and tell us that he loves us.  I have such an amazingly clear image of it in my head.  I would pay just about anything to have a picture of it, to frame, to hang on the wall, to show the kids, but I don't have one.  I couldn't pick up my phone, I couldn't miss the amazing moment to take a picture.  So it's in my head, the moment meant so much to me.  This is our new family, every single one of the people in the procession, every person watching, crying along with me, they are a part of our family. 

I wish I could put all the details into words right now, the colors I saw, the emotion from the guys on the truck, the love that Sean shared with us, but I really just can't.  I can't wrap up into words everything that happened in that moment.    It's something that will never happen again, and it's a single moment that changed so much.  It made me realize so many things that I am still trying to form into words.  This wasn't just a job change for Sean this was a life change for all of us.  We have extended our family in ways I never thought possible.  We have met people we might never have met had he not taken this "job."  

And I see days like Friday and I am reminded what he does is so much more than a job.  Sure, I give him grief sometimes about the schedule, about all of his days off, about how some nights he sleeps at more at the fire station than I do at home and probably about a million other things.  But at the end of the day, we have an entirely new set of people that care about us and would do just about anything for us.  I believe Sean said it best a few months ago when he said that any one of the people he works with would risk their life and do just about anything for any of us, not just while on duty.  I feel like the only word I can think of to describe it all would be brotherhood (and sisterhood, of course).  While I have feel it more and more when we spend time with those groups, I never felt it as much as I did that day, when that truck drove by.  

The truck drove away, I gave Liam a huge kiss and pulled Cora in close for a hug and kiss...and I sobbed a bit.  More and more trucks, ambulances and police cars came by, Liam spent the rest of the time pointing to each one as I told him where they were from, South Metro, West Metro, Colorado Springs, Breckenridge, the list and line of vehicles went on and on.  Cora waved, Liam waved and pointed and I just kept thinking about the image of Sean, his truck and his guys...and crying.  I wanted so badly to go and see him, get a hug and head on our way, but the procession ended and we had more things to get back to.  So, once things ended, we packed up our blanket, walked back to the car and went home.  Liam had a few more questions about things, I had a few more tears to shed and life went on as normal.  But for me, something changed, normal might have changed as I realized so many things about the bigger picture.

We went to see the guys at the station the next day, to visit, to see them raise the ladder and hang out and mostly because I really needed a hug from Sean.  We walked in and everyone welcomed us as they usually do, but for some reason, I never felt more comfortable being there with the kids than I did that day.    

2

...and I missed it, well, not her birthday, but I missed my blog entry on my sweet, little Cora - who can be very not sweet sometimes.  Everyone says it is because she is 2, every now and then, my mom mentions maybe she is a little like me, so who knows, but nonetheless, I love her to pieces!

So, each year for the kids birthday I spend a few minutes reflecting back on their births, the journey we have taken so far and some favorite things about each of them at each age.  And while I'd be happy to recount her birth again (I play it over and over in my head quite often, always with a smile on my face) and talk about our journey, I'll just skip right to the fun part.  Cora is 2 - and in that time she has become her own person, with her own thoughts and ideas and has certainly has learned to stand up for herself.  A few of my favorite things about my little girl:

• She still nurses to sleep at night and every now and then when she isn't feeling well.  I love that our nursing relationship has gotten us this far and listening to her yell at me for milkies when Sean is on bedtime night, is one of the sweetest things (mostly because Sean tells her that she needs to stand at the top of the stairs and yell for me).  
• She goes to sleep in her big girl bed just about every night and has spent a few nights in there, by herself.  Most nights she wakes up crying and Sean or I will go get her.  She then finds her way between Sean and I and mostly on top of me, kicking me out of bed.  But many times, she rolls over and mutters snuggles and milkies and makes sure she snuggles in close.
• She has learned from watching Liam - just one more, she says to me, holding her index finger up and smiling - whether it's a book at night, a piece of candy or one more time to fill up the squirt gun, she knows the look to give to get what she wants.
• I love the way she yells Mickey Mouse Clubhouse when we let them watch a show, only to sit for a solid 39 seconds before she is off and running doing something else.
• She is very opinionated - she knows what she wants, when she wants it and if she doesn't get it, well, watch out - she will let you know - she will flail backwards, kick her legs out and cry and scream at the top of her lungs.
• She is doing everything and anything to keep up with big brother, Liam.  She is killing it on her strider bike, wanting to dirt bike, play with anything he is playing with and so on.  She also likes to pick on him, and get him in trouble, but I know she is mostly always starting it.
• Me too!  is her favorite thing to say, or rather yell!  
• She's being quite stubborn with potty training at this time, thought we'd have her in underpants by now, but she'd prefer to just get her candy here and there, silly kid.

I'm sure there are a million more things that I want to capture about her right now, but this is my list to get started, to make up for being late, and to show her, even though she is the second, I love her just as much as Liam - just a few months doesn't prove anything, right?  

Lessons learned when least expected

We had an amazing weekend this weekend.  We attended the Pikes Peak International Hill Climb.  Sean had talked about it, we decided we'd go for it.  It's the only time of the year you can actually camp at Pikes Peak, we were maybe 10 feet away from race cars whizzing past us, we got to sit in some cars the day before, Liam got to sign a car and we got to high five the race car drivers on the way down the hill.

It was great, a fun weekend, the weather mostly cooperated...and then it happened.  The car wouldn't start.  We were stuck in the middle of Pikes Peak with our camper, the kids, 2 other friends and just not even sure where to start to get back home.  So, the process began, I went to tell the sheriff directing traffic we needed a tow truck, he was working on it, then the rain and hail came (perfect timing).  The process began - lots of people trying to figure out what to do, Sean being patient as they finally agreed to listen to his plan, the kids on the side of the road with car seats, me waiting for some help from someone, not sure who to ask, and so on.  They finally got the car and trailer loaded up, we finally got a ride to the gates of Pikes Peak, where we then needed to wait for a cab (in this time, I was reminded how great it was to have kids around - they just wanted to run around and play and I just wanted to be upset about how late we will get home, etc. - but nope, I got up and ran around and played tag and the laughs that came out of Cora and Liam were totally priceless).  Cab finally came and the kids were just laughing and having a blast.

I think we should take more cues from kids,,,right?  Maybe they have way more figured out than we give them credit for.  They just rolled with it, they got from one car with the rangers, to the next car with a crazy cab lady (who may or may not have stolen the cab from someone else), to back to Jolie's, where thank god she had cheerios and her neighbor had milk, to the ride home with Brit when they FINALLY crashed.  Cora cried for maybe 5 minutes on the way home, they both freaked out when we got home, but other than that, they were rock stars, they barely cried, they were friendly and polite to everyone we met and they just enjoyed it all.  They never cease to amaze me with how much stuff they put up with.

They went to sleep and Sean and I sat on the front porch and talked some more...the tow truck driver jacked up a our camper a bit...the car, who knows what will happen with the car...and if we wanted to make the experience be a bad one, this situation could have done that.  I wasn't going to let that happen.  I was going to let the kids remember the crappy part of the day.  I wasn't going to let Sean keep beating himself up over it.

Fact is, this car is a piece of crap, we both know and we both hate it.  So, now we figure out what to do that.  But while talking, I realized something pretty crazy.  The car would have crapped out on our way home...going down Pikes Peak, we could have lost power steering/brakes and that could have be bad, really bad.  Once that started going through my head, I told Sean it was a blessing it didn't start when it did.  Sure, it was a sucky situation, but it could have been so much worse.  No one was hurt, we just have to fix a damn car and parts of a camper.  The kids had fun, I kept my shit together (shockingly!) and all was good.

Yesterday was 10 years from the day Sean and I met...as we sat on the front porch, I asked if he knew he'd up here with me...this life, adventures that always have something go a little wonky...these amazing kids that were top notch this weekend, this love that got us through this tough time with no yelling (he insists I'll still yell at him, which is possible!), this life we have...and we both thought about it, and honestly, when I met him, I knew something was different with him...not sure I envisioned all of this, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.  I love being his teammate, and now I look at the rest of our team (Cora and Liam) and I'm so impressed with them and what they have done and look forward to what they will do!

Team Foege doesn't always do things easy, and most of the time we make shit much harder on ourselves that it needs to be, but when I look to see how strong we are, I'm amazed.

I'm also beyond impressed with some of the friends we have made so far out here in Colorado.  Friends that aren't used to kids, but put up with them and these crazy adventures for at least a few extra hours.  Friends that crack open a beer to split with me because it's been that kind of day.

And I went to bed last night with the biggest smile on my face.  Yes, I miss my family and yes, this process would have been much simpler if my parents were in town, but the family we have here is growing in ways I never realized possible.  As long as you go through life with the right people, no situation can be that terrible, and that's something I hope the kids will see as they get older - it's not what happens, it how you deal with it.

I gave myself 2 minutes to slightly freak out about the car thing - in those 2 minutes (I was out of the sight of the kids), they also freaked out - Sean told me that was the only time they cried the whole time.  I'm OK with my little freak out, I regrouped and got my shit together and we rolled with it all...but honestly, you get back what you give - I (after taking direction from Liam and Cora) gave a good attitude in a shitty situation and I learned how much that can come back to help you out.  And it makes me so happy and lucky, despite our piece of shit car! :)  

Another year over...a new one's just begun...the year of awesome!

How does it happen so fast?  Wait, that's what you say when you get older...and yep, it's totally true, I'm officially older.  Anyways, yeah, so 2016 was quite the year.  I believe when it started out it was going to be the year of me.  That was my plan, Cora was getting bigger, I was working on getting in better shape, things will rolling in a good direction for me.  My life was going to be mostly normal, no major life events, no baby being born, not buying a new house...nope, 2016 was going to be pretty normal.

And then Sean started talking, about becoming a fireman with Littleton.  And he passed one step and the next and the next and finally there was a job for him, on the table...but there was a catch.  He'd have to take a pretty significant pay cut and he'd have to be in academy for 14 weeks...and that meant Monday- Friday, leaving before the I woke up most days until after I got home with the kids.  I think in the 14 weeks he was able to get the kids 3 times maybe (one time was very crucially right before Summer Games, so glad for that one).  So that meant my life was anything but normal.  That meant for 14 weeks, I got the kids up, took them to day care, picked them up, started dinner and then Sean came home.  I know people have it just as hard or harder, but this was new to me.  I was used to taking the kids a few days a week, Sean was home some days during the week, it was great.  We never knew each other (or never had) normal 9-5 jobs...and now we both did, it was odd.  And tricky for me during a super busy season to not have time to stay late at work or go early.  Basically, I woke up, got everyone going, worked, got everyone home and while Sean studied I worked.  It was tough.  But it was going to be worth it.  Sean was going to get to be a fireman...once he graduated, he'd have a better schedule, we'd adjust more, I can finally focus on me then, right?

But now that I look back, those 14 weeks were about me.  Sean was busy, exhausted, getting paid to get in the best shape of his life, studying when he was home, or falling asleep snuggling Liam.  So, I had to step up, I had to make sure life went on as normal as possible.  I didn't have time to complain or yell about things (maybe I did a few times), I just had to make life go on.  And Sean did his best, more than his best...but it was a tough time.  So, graduation day came, I celebrated, our schedule is adjusting and he's around much more...which as he can tell you, is sometimes too much.  It's possible that on each break he is home, I ask him when he goes back to work.  It was a great thing and while Sean worked hard to learn his job and continues to work hard to make himself the best he can be, I learned just how tough and strong I could be.  

I was also focused on getting into great shape.  The deal was that Sean and I would be in the best shape of our lives by the time we are 40.  Since like I said, I'm officially older, I turned 39 just a few weeks ago, it was best to get a jump on that getting in shape thing.  I was going to workout classes, first twice a week and then 3 times a week.  It was out of my comfort zone, I don't do classes, and if I do, they are big classes so I just do my thing and move along.  This was a small class - 5 - 6 girls each day...and it was such a great group to be a part of.  It was motivating, fun and inspiring to have grown with this class over the year.  I always thought I'd be thinking too much about how I am compared to everyone else in the class, but most days, I'm so exhausted that I can't even think about what I'm doing - because each person in the class is pushing just as hard.  It's a great group to have support with, laugh with, complain with and become fitter with.  The group has changed, has added people, but the feeling of it all remains the same.  We are there to support and inspire each other...and to complain about the workouts we like the least!

And then in November, I got the crazy idea I was going to try and fit into my wedding dress.  I tried it on November 1.  Sean tried to zip it and didn't.  I didn't figure he'd be able to...and I was ready to work for it.  I decided to get serious...stop half-assing it and work hard.  I cut back my drinking I was maybe having 2-3 drinks a week - max.  I added extra workouts (I did the 21 day fix extreme since I had 21 days to fit into the dress).  I increased protein and tracked my food - not one morsel of food went into my mouth that wasn't recorded.  And I had a few cheat days, days where I needed a break from counting, but mostly the counting was fun.  It was a challenge, how good can I eat today?  So, I worked, I went to class 3 times a week and did the other workouts at home, double workouts on some days.  My eating was spot on and I was motivated.  I felt better, I could see results and it kept me going.  I kept thinking about the dress, my workout class kept reminding me about the dress.  And on November 21, as I was getting ready for a date with Sean, I tried on the dress...and it fit...and it felt so great, to accomplish a goal, to stick to a plan.  I didn't believe I was going to do it, I figure I'd come close and still be proud of what I accomplished.  But nope, I did it...I put on the dress and did a pull up on our rock holds downstairs.  And it felt great.  And I felt great.  I was so happy with myself and my commitment, the possibilities were now endless, I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.

And while I speak mostly of the physical work and progress I made over the year, I also know that with that, came so much more.  I became a better person overall, I am happier, more free and willing to do things out of my comfort zone.  I am stronger inside, I know what I am capable of and while sometimes I want to take a break and be weak, I know I'm strong.

Then it's December and I find another workout challenge to do on line.  You have to take a picture in tight jeans and use that as your measurement.  And when I went to try on what I thought would be the tightest pair, they fit...as did every other pair in my drawer...and pants in my closet.  It was such an amazing feeling.  Some of those pants I haven't worn since before Liam and now they all fit.  It was great, just another sign of my hard work paying off.  And then the picture from last year popped up on my Timehop.  And I couldn't help but put on those jeans and take a picture to see then side by side.  And it was amazing, another great example of my hard work paying off.  And the look on my face was completely different.  I really feel a little bit like a new person and it's great.  

In the end, while I felt at first the year was going to be about Sean as soon as he started his fire gig, it didn't need to be.  But now I realize it also didn't need to be about me.  It can just be about life and what I choose to make of that is up to me, right?  Plus, there are so many more things out there bigger than me, that matter more than me, it'd be awfully selfish to take up a whole year.  

So, as I look forward to 2017, there are some changes coming up with my work that I'm excited to tackle head on.  I also will continue to get in the best shape of my life (4 pull-up max so far, that's the most I've ever done at one time, I think), but I won't just mean physically.  I have so many ways to grow mentally and emotionally and much to still learn about life.  I will meet the near year with positive thoughts and good energy, that even when tough times arise, I'll be strong and now good things will come.  It's going to be a good year...for all of us, it'll just be the year of awesome!  

4 - how did that happen so fast...

I'm a bit behind on this, but Liam turned 4 a few weeks ago...and the past few years I have taken a few minutes to jot down some thoughts on why this age has been fun, what I love about him, how he has changed and grown and everything in between.

It's so funny, around his birthday, I still look back and remember what we went through on that day - how a few days before he was even born, I start thinking of where we were, how things were going, the hospital stay, being stuck in the bed, the list goes on.  It's all things I have finally come to terms with, however, it's still a part of Liam and his journey into our life.  I wonder if I will ever stop thinking about it.  Anyways...back to Liam...the man of the hour.

We decided (well, I decided) to send Cora to daycare and have a special day with Liam.  Sean was off so I took the day off as well.  Liam said he wanted to go up to Copper Mountain, so we did that and had a pretty great day.  Here's what I learned about this kid this year:

• Liam now sleeps on the top bunk of his bed, sharing a room with Cora when she sleeps in there, which has been about 1 whole night.  He spends all night up there and goes to bed without nearly as many snuggles as he used to get.  I'm so happy he is being such a big boy, but some nights, I keep him in the lower bunk and give him extra snuggles just because.
• I love how he takes care of Cora.  He stands up for her, sometimes getting himself in trouble to see she is happy and safe.  When she is crying, he goes up to her, and says "Sweetie, what's wrong?" in very similar way that I do.  He pats her back, tries to hug her and will even give her toys sometimes.
• He always has a great idea - that can be anything from I should have cookies for dinner to I want to watch movies all day, to sharing his toys with Cora.  The look on his face when he gets his "great idea" is the best.  He nods his head and points very matter of factly when talking about it, with a little eye roll as well just for some extra fun.
• The things he says still amaze and crack me up, it could be anything from his great ideas to how he wants to read extra books, to whatever silly thing he wants to do.  It's often that I let him talk just so I can smile and hear how creative he is being.
• He has such a great imagination.  He can entertain himself for hours with his toys if he wants to.  He enjoys playing make believe games with Cora and I - watching the two of them giggle and laugh together is such a joy.
• He's a stubborn kid - this isn't a super loveable trait, but it's part of him.  He also has a temper that we are always working on - so the one day he keeps it under control (which happened to be last week), is always a treat.  I always want to talk to him about how proud I am of him for not being bad, and I always tear up because I'm so happy he gets it, even if 5 minutes later he is time out for the same thing.
• He loves to read and look at books - he'd spend all night reading if he could.  Some nights I put Cora to be in my bed and Liam has some free time to look at books.  I love putting the camera on him and watch and listen to him go through his books.  He also likes to help me "read" them sometimes.
• He can mostly write his name, when he is in the mood for it and pays attention to it...and is so proud of himself when he does it.
• He loves painting as we discovered yesterday when he opened the paint and started to paint without us knowing it...all the time, making sure Cora had a brush and paper too.

I'm sure I'll add more as I think of it, but I sure do love this kid...he's got his moments, and some of them aren't pretty, but I'll take him as he is.  He's one of a kind and I wouldn't trade any of these memories for the world!  Happy birthday Liam - the big 4 - you have lived life pretty full so far, I can't wait to see what it ahead for you!

Wild Weekend

It was another weekend of Sean being on shift both Saturday and Sunday - we haven't had to do too many of these yet and it really doesn't happen as often as it used to, but man, we struggled.  Or I suppose I should say that I struggled, really struggled on Saturday with the kids - mostly Liam, but Cora was tough as well.  Not sure what the deal was, no clue what was in the air, but whatever it was, it sucked and I hope I can do anything to avoid it from happening again.

Saturday started out, interesting to say the least.  I  spent the night in bed with Cora since she was up and fussy and I wanted to make sure Sean got a good nights rest the night before he had to go to work.  I woke up at about 5:30 hearing Burton making puke noises...I ran out of bed to get him outside or whatever, but as soon as I got up, he was fine and went under our bed, no puke, crisis adverted, however, Cora was crying since I was more than 5 inches away from  her.  So, I took her into out bed and snuggled and nursed her back to sleep.  I finally dozed off after Sean went to work and then, I hear it again, Burton, under our bed, hacking up something.  I shot up and tried to get him out from under the bed, but nope, too late, he puked up some lovely grass under our bed - and Cora cried, since I was more than 5 inches away from her again.  I cleaned up the puke, with a screaming baby in bed and then crawled back into bed and I think I was able to doze off for a while, probably the longest I slept all night.  It was about 7:30 before Liam came in and we just hung out in bed for a while, I was tired, but the day seemed to be going all right, just having a lazy day.

Then, I have no idea what happened, but Liam stopped listening, Cora kept crying and I was stuck, no way out, no where to go, just had to deal with the kids all day.  I decided, even though Liam was not listening to anything I said, it should be time to get out, we'd go to the lake to walk around, head to the nature center and hopefully see some elk.  We finally got out of the house and went on our way.  We mostly had a good time, Liam and Cora loved playing in the nature center, I watched them and how different they play each time we go there - how much more independent my little guy is getting and how many more things Cora is interested in.  Sounds like a fix, we are all happy, right?  Wrong!  The non-listening continued on and on, we walked for a while, I carried Cora after she sat down in the middle of the path and then we did all right, I felt better, the kids weren't terrible, so I pushed my luck - we went grocery shopping.  Lesson learned - unless you are having an amazing day with angel children, don't go shopping on a Saturday afternoon with them.  We shopped, things went all right, and then it happened, things spiraled down, down, down and never returned.  I don't even recall how it all started, maybe with Liam running over to the horse for a horse ride, or Cora freaking out because I took away her apple to pay for it, but things just went from bad to worse.

We finally got in the car and went home.  Cora took a nap, Liam helped carry groceries in and I gave up, a movie and sandwiches on the couch was the temporary fix so I could get my head on straight and it mostly worked.  We had a few more issues, just yelling.  I've been working so hard not to yell and Liam, even in his terrible fits, but Saturday, it all came out.  I'm not sure what I was yelling about, but man, everytime it happened, I felt like the worst mother in the world.  I hate those days, days where nothing really snaps you out of it, maybe the kids recover, but you still feel like crap.  All I wanted to do was put the kids and myself to bed at 7:00 and be done and try again the next day. But Sean's sister, Johanna, was coming in and I had to get her from the airport.  So, thankfully, we made it to 7;30 and loaded up to hit the road.  Cora was asleep as soon as I put her in her carseat and Liam was out by the time we got to the airport...it was peace and quiet - I hadn't heard that since, well, since before Burton puked that day.  And it was great.  I found Johanna pretty quick and we headed home.  I was thankful I had bedtime help and I was also very excited to give Cora some snuggles as I felt she needed mommy all day and while I was with her, my brain was too busy to enjoy.  We got home and Cora went right now and Liam read some stories, then went right to bed like such a good kid.  Whatever had taken over our house and us earlier that day was gone, thank goodness.

On Sunday, I was ready for an adventure.  We got up early and headed to Kenosha Pass to see some fall colors - and needless to say it was amazing and really crowded, but mostly amazing.  And I was reminded of things so much bigger than a kid not listening, I realized sometimes I ask to much from them, I realized sometimes they are allowed to not listen and be kids.  They were both different kids on Sunday.  Liam hiked for a while and then really wanted me to carry him, me, the person that was yelling at him all day yesterday.  And we were good, he would just keep repeating me and saying, wow, it keeps getting prettier and prettier, he'd look at leaves and find rocks.  He was being a kid and I loved every minute of it.  It helped that he was listening as well.  So, lesson learned, when all else fails, just get outside and play, as much as possible, with as few rules as possible.  And if that doesn't work, but the kid in a carrier, he loves it, I still love it and we reconnect and snap out of whatever funk we are in.

The weekend ended with us driving to say hi to Sean for a few minutes, then coming home and playing in the dirt, something else my kids love.  We wound down with a movie and then a lovely bath night.  Cora and I got extra snuggles - Liam got extra books with Johanna and suckered me into me - who can say no when your almost 4 year old puts on his pout face for snuggles?  I ended up going to bed feeling renewed and refreshed and now, finally able to forgive myself for not being perfect.