No words

So, I sit here in a few minutes of peace for the weekend, after a long week, after a super busy time for Sean - not sure how long it will last and there are a million other things that I should be doing, but I can't seem to tear myself away from watching the Special Olympics Opening Ceremonies coverage.  I didn't see it all last night, we went to an outside movie showing of Star Wars (which was quite fun).  So, anyways, I am catching up.  I saw some of the ceremonies, on TV in the restaurant we had dinner at - how cool is that?  At some point, Liam was watching and waving as the athletes walked in, it was so sweet.  Anyways, I start to talk about how cool it is, I start to think about how amazing it all is, it makes my eyes well up with joy.  I can't seem to find words to express how it makes me feel to see this amazing coverage.  It has happened, the world has embraced Special Olympics and the athletes are given their chance to shine.  I watch the parade in, I see the athletes and hear the stories and I'm amazed.  The coverage is unreal - they are really taking the time to highlight the athletes and somehow get everyone to feel the things I feel everyday with my job.

I am still struggling to find words to put in this blog - to express how great this is.  I hope that this will be the start of always covering the games, no matter where it is.  I want this to be on TV all the time, so Liam and Cora can watch and now that it should just be a part of life.  I mean, let's be honest, they don't have much of a choice, they were both at State Games when they were 6 weeks old...but for them to see it on the bigger stage, the biggest stage possible.  I sit here and wonder when will be my time to be a part of world games.  I was lucky enough to be a part of USA Games and I'm sure I'll get to do that again, but the World - that's a dream of mine for sure.  So, I watch, with wide eyes as we wait for Team USA to come in, to watch, to see if I can find people I know, people who will tell me how awesome it was and people who inspire me.  And I figure out how to get there.  And I figure out how else to leave my stamp on this amazing organization.

It's hard for me to find words because Special Olympics to should always be on this stage.  Let's be honest, professional sports are full of crap, just pure crap.  While there are the good people, there are also so many people in professional sports that are so full of themselves, so caught up in money and greed that they have no clue what the meaning of Sports even is.  These athletes, the ones marching in right now, these are the athletes that can teach those jerks about sports - about competing, about the love of the game.  And I am so happy to hear the stories about the athletes that are there, that are helping out teams to get to the games, walking with the athletes and realizing how important Special Olympics is.  Sorry, didn't mean to turn negative, like I said, it's been a tough weekend and week.  Watching this has reminded me why I do what I do, why Special Olympics has been such a part of my life for 15 years and will always remain a part of my life.

I'm not sure how many more times I will cry while watching it, but this morning, when Liam asked, I totally got choked up - because I realized what I got to tell him.  I'm not sitting in front of my computer streaming the ceremonies, I'm watching it broad casted on ESPN.

See, I still can't find words, this blog is all over the place.  But at the end of the day, the stories I hear are amazing.  The athletes are stars and finally the rest of the world can see what I have known for about 15 years.  A baby is crying so I best go for now...but I'm sure I'll have plenty more to say about all of this.  Go USA, but more importantly, go Special Olympics athletes, you all are amazing!

Back to work

Yes, it was time last Monday for me to go back to the office.  No, I haven't been off of work since Cora was born, but I was working from home, which meant no commute!  It also meant I wasn't really able to have a schedule.  While I was happy to work from home as long as I did, I kind of wish I had a few more weeks, it was good for me to be back in the office.  It is nice to be around other adults and it is also nice for me to be able to leave work at work - well, at least as much as I can.  It was hard, though, hard to leave on Monday morning, when I left Sean with the kids all day.  Of course I cried when I left and cried for a bit in the car.  She has been attached to me in some way for the past 10 weeks and now I just need to forget about that, or rid myself of her.  No way, too hard.  But we made it, we made it through the first week.  

It was funny on Friday, I was so excited for it to be Friday, it meant I got 2 whole days with the kiddos and maybe some time with Sean.  I was so excited to be able to have nothing planned and just hang out with them.  I was thrilled to be home on Friday, so thrilled.  We didn't have any big plans, but I knew we'd find plenty to do.  It was a nice weekend, nothing too crazy, nothing out of the ordinary for us, a nice hike at the dog park, some nice time at home to clean and get a few things done, a few projects to start and plenty of time to cuddle.

I think Cora had a little cold from her first week at daycare, which of course, also made me feel terrible for leaving her at day care.  But what can I do?  We have talked long and hard and it's not really possible for me not to work.   Plus, I like working, I like my co-workers and I love what I do.  I couldn't imagine not doing it.  So, we make it work.  Sean gets days to be home with the kids that are during the week, which makes me so jealous.  I get the weekends to enjoy the kids as much as I can.  Sean worked quite a bit this weekend, which left me with the kids.  It was a good test of patience and for the most part, I passed!

And I sit her on Sunday night and I worry about the next week - again, will she be a good baby again?  Will Liam be a good big brother?  Will I pump enough milk for her?  That's one thing for sure I don't miss, my pump - what a love/hate relationship we have!

Someone did tell me that is gets easier to leave the kids - never easy, but easier.  I didn't cry today when I left, could be because I wanted to leave so early so I can come home nice and early, or could be because everyone was still sleeping at 6:30 AM and I didn't want to wake them, or maybe because I know she is in great hands at daycare.  Whatever the case may be, I'm sure there will be more days where I cry again, where I am sad to leave the kids.  There will be plenty days were I wish it'd work out and I could be home with the kids instead of sending them to day care, but one thing work has reminded me is how much to appreciate the time I have with the kids and with Sean - to not waste that time being worried the dishes are piling up, or the laundry needs to be done, but rather enjoying a few last snuggles with Cora or playing with Liam as he learns and get more creative.  So, that's the plan - take care of what I have to take care of and get home to enjoy the time I have with my family - even the times when no one listens to me! :)

Fourth of July

All right, so I really need to catch up on all my blogs, looking at just a photo blog for this one - to get it done and maybe I'll go back and update, but here's the quick version of what we did.

We were planning on camping, but the weather didn't look so great.  We opted to bail as camping in the rain with kids sounded less than awesome.  We had plenty to keep us busy.

Our first day took us to Manitou Springs to do the Incline - why - well, because we are quite crazy and wanted to do something big - that was it!  It was a mile up, about 2000 vertical feet and super uneven steps.  I was extra worried not being able to see my feet, but we made it!  It was going to be impossible to come down these steps, so the only way out was up, which lead us to a trail down.  I think the whole hike took us about 5 hours - something we weren't prepared for.  So, while it was a total butt kicking work out, it was a great lesson - always bring more water and snacks than you think  you would need - and maybe some ear plugs for Liam - that kid loves to talk - so kuddos to Sean for carrying his extra weight and listening to him, at certain point, I was either far enough ahead taking a break or far enough behind not to hear.  Anyways, we did it, we didn't do it well, it wasn't pretty at all, but we did it.  That's the key, right?  I think it'll be a great goal for us to do each year at least one, a great training for bigger hikes.  We will have to see how it'll work as Liam gets bigger - how much we can carry him, how much he will want to walk.  It'll be a new adventure for us to keep him busy, to keep him moving at a pace that's not like a snail.  Ah, more adventures!

Friday morning we got up early and headed to downtown Evergreen for donuts and a nice walk around the lake.  We then decided to go to a beach in Lakewood, not far from us.  It was going to be crowded and I tend to stay away from places on busy days, but we did it anyways.  Liam had so much, splashing, jumping, splashing - this kid loves was so much we proceeded to get out of the sun (total fair to NOT have sunscreen) and go swimming inside.  Cora also enjoys swimming, which is great, more activities for everyone makes all sleep better!

Old firetruck that later hosed us down!

Saturday was the 4th and we started our day at the pancake breakfast at the Fire station in our town.  The kids were dressed in their matching outfits from Dot.  So fun - they also did a car extracation which Liam was memorized by.  We left there and ran to Wal-Mart before our roads closed to get a squirt guy, I guess our parade is actually just a water fight and that is an understatement.  We were at our parade, there were some American Legion folks on a float who shot off their guns.  There were also a few other floats and then it happened - the bus saying it was time for the fight to begin.  There were cars, fire trucks, pick up trucks with huge water containers on the back, all aiming for everyone and anyone!  Cora and I just barely escaped being hosed down by the fire truck, while other were loving it!  Liam didn't like how loud it was, but loved everything else.  Once that was done, we had a few friends over to grill up a few quick burgers and then we decided to load up and head to Fairplay, a small mountain town that was having a parade, music and fireworks.  It was a great time, I'll just let the pictures do the talking!

Too loud, but so fun!

Watch out, here I come!

So much water!

Second parade of the day, life is good!

Passed out as soon as we got in the car.

Busy 1st 4th of July weekend.

Our first family camping trip

We finally did it, we finally made it out to camp!  It took - well, let's just say way too long to get Liam out camping, we decided not to waste any time with Cora.  I was still working from home and was planning on getting my hours in later in the week and Sean was off, so we went for it.  It was a good practice run for the trip on the 4th of July (that didn't happen, but that's another blog).  I was hesitant to go, not sure why, I just wasn't feeling like camping.  I didn't feel like peeing outside or sleeping not very comfortable and well, I was being a little crabby about it.  We spent some time talking about it in the morning, I would have rather stayed home to clean up our house rather than take more crap out, make more messes and never clean up the junk that's all over the place, which, by the way seems to just keep being all over the place, but maybe we will get it to at some point.

Anyways, once we decided we were going, we worked to get things packed up.  Sean took care of the camping things, I worked on clothes and food.  Finally, finally, finally, we were ready to go...and we headed out in the Rover for our first camping trip.  The packing actually went much better than I thought it was going to go and we were on our way.  We were headed to Webster Pass (and Liam was guiding us), which is an off-road ride we took once before, however, we planned to come at it from the Silverthorne side just in case the other face had too much snow.  Plus, this was closer to where we wanted to set up camp.  We drove hoping that Liam would fall asleep - but nope, not a chance - well, I take that back, he fell asleep as soon as we got to the off-road part.  Anyways, we drove through Silverthorne and stopped at a playground in Keystone so I could feed Cora and Liam could play.  Then we loaded back up and headed on our way.  It was only about 30 more minutes to where we both thought we would stop.  We went through the small town of Montezuma and headed down the trail.  We both recalled the trail not being too bouncy at this point, however, all the rain must have washed some of the road out as it was much bumpier than I recall.  I was a little worried about Cora, but she was pretty passed out and her head wasn't bobbing much at all.  We did tuck a blanket around just to be safe.    

We arrived at our planned campsite, or rather the area we thought would be best for camping.  We parked and got out to try and find something flat-ish.  The kids were sleeping, but Burton snuck out of the car and ran over to a jeep that was stopped by the creek.  He was being such a bad dog, just being free and happy - but NOT listening at all.  Finally, once I got him back, we went back to planning where to spend the night.  I think we finally decided that the best spot was going to be where the people were that were already there.  We hung out at our car, watched them back up and then stole there spot.  It was great, right near the water and under a few trees and mostly flat.  The hope was that the children would stay asleep until we got the tent up and yeah - that SO didn't happen.  Both kids were up and Liam was ready to go, as usual.  We let him spend a little time exploring while I fed Cora.  He liked the creek, loves throwing rocks into water and watching Burton splash around.  I was happy to sit by and watch him explore and learn - gosh, everything he does is so learning, it's crazy...and so awesome to watch.  It's especially good when I remember that him not listening, he's just learned - at least it makes me feel better to tell myself that.

So, the boys played in the water, explored and had fun.  It was time to get the tent set up.  Cora was happy just chilling in a camp chair - at least until Liam would go and bug her.  So, it was a toss up - do we let Liam help us with the tent, which would slow us down dramatically, or do we let him bug Cora.  We opted to have him help us - which was mostly fine.  He helped me get the poles out and watched and Sean and I remembered how to put the tent up.  It went mostly well for our first time in a few years.  Liam thought it was very funny to hang out and run around inside the tent with us peaking in on him through the door and window.

We were pretty much set up and decided we should go explore a bit.  We went on a small hike as it was getting a little late and we needed to get dinner and the fire started.  Burton chased his tennis ball as we walked and Liam had fun looking at everything.  Liam was also excited to help start the fire.  So, after he had played in the water a bit more, he joined Sean for his first lesson of fire.  Or course, it makes me nervous to have fire, as I said, he doesn't always listen the best.  He can at times, just do what he wants in order to learn, explore, or just do what he wants.  So, the fire made me nervous.  Sean went over with him how dangerous the fire was, how he had to stay this far back, etc.  And of course, we watched him with the fire, again, just made me nervous - just one of the many things I am sure I will worry about for quite some time.  We started our fire and got dinner going.  We hung out by the fire for a bit and then Liam seemed to be getting tired, so we decided it was time for him to head to the tent.  Of course, this gave him new energy and he bounced on the air mattress and ran around the tent.  After a few books and a few cuddles from Sean, he finally passed out while Cora and I enjoyed some dinner by the fire.  Sean was great and surprised me with wine - does it get any better?  Nature, a fire, my wonderful family and a glass of wine - life was good and I was totally wrong to think it'd be a bad idea to camp.  Sean and I stayed up for a bit, talking, having some wine and mostly waiting for it be dark - I wanted to see a million stars.  Well, turns out, it gets cold at night, in the mountains.  And while I did a great job of planning for that for the kids, I failed to do such a great job planning for me, nor did Sean.  And it was quite windy, so the fire wasn't doing that great of a job keeping us warm.  It was time to put the fire out and head to our tent, at least then we could all snuggle in our family sleeping bag and get warm, hopefully.

Cora was cozy in one of my favorite pair of Liam's pjs and a few blankets.  She was basically my heater for the night as I was freezing.  I thought I'd be good in a t-shirt and pants - no problem, I'd be warm snuggling with her, with Liam in the sleeping bag, it'd be all good, right?   Totally wrong - I froze.  I had things to put on, but at that point, I was way too cold to get up to put anything on.  I snuggled as best I could with everyone, but it was still quite chilly, especially when I had to get up and nurse Cora.  Oh well, what can you do, who really expects to sleep while camping anyways?   We slept that night as a family, our first trip, all of us in our big tent, cozy in our family sleeping bag and all seemed right in the world.  I woke up, from the light state of sleep I was and it was still chilly.  But there is something I love about a chilly camp morning, maybe it is the new day, maybe it is the fresh air, who knows, but I know I always love it.  My view was incredible out the window.

Once everyone else got up, we decided we would work to get going quick so Sean could make it back to work in time for a meeting.  Liam had other ideas, he wanted to cry.  He was very sad, for some reason and nothing seemed to make it any better.  So, he cried and cried and we listened to him whine about "nothing" as he likes to do when he isn't sure what is wrong.  We finally got everything packed up and headed out.  Liam was happy to be finally awake during the off-roading part and we were all happy that survived and mostly enjoyed the trip.  We can check the first trip off the list - as we hope for many more.  I had written at some point early on that I was looking to camp 6 months out of the year.  I'm not sure that'll be doable, but I already know we have a trip planned for July, so maybe we can do it!  Happy camping!  

Evergreen Rodeo weekend

It was Father's Day weekend and Sean was on call.  It's always tricky to figure out what to do when that is the case.  Do we go and do something we want to do all together, do we take seperate cars, or do we just stay home and hang out?  This time it seemed like we would be able to take one car and he'd not have to go to work.  We started out on Friday night to the family night of the rodeo.  They have barrel races, rides for kids, drill team on horses and all kinds of other fun things.  Our first stop was to get my little guy a cowboy hat.  I spotted one I liked as well and while I tried mine on, Liam actually left the one on that Sean put on his head.  He actually left it on which is a first.  So, we decided he might actually like it and got it for him.  I found one as well.  We proceded to walk past a few more booths, the kids rides and the food to get to the arena.  Here we watched some horses for as long as Liam could sit still - which was not very long.  We then left to get some food.  Liam had his first taste of a funnel cake, which he kept referring to as a donut.  It was great, he mostly just picked off the powdered sugar.  Meanwhile, Cora just hung out in her little carrier and just went along for the ride, thank goodness she is good at that!  Liam also insisted on a train ride - I was so proud and a little sad to watch him climb in all by himself and go on his merry way.  I do recall in September going on a ride like that with him, was REALLY glad he wanted to go on his own.

It's so funny, kids - while there is no way I wanted to squeeze myself in that little car again, a huge part of me is sad - sad becuase he doens't need me there for him in this case.  I know this kid will always need him mommy, but the older he gets, the less that seems to be.  It's tough - to remember that - to remember to enjoy his crazy energy instead of get annoyed at it.  It's hard to realize that each day he wakes up a different kid than he went to bed as.

He has new thoughts, new ways to play, new things to say.  I look at him and feel I can see him getting smarter, more creative and less scared to try new things.  Thankfully, he still has a little bit of fear, but not much.  He wants to explore and run off and doesn't really get what might happened - all of that is learning, but still, alarming to me.  That's why we are going to keep doing these things, keep on taking the kids places they might not remember.

The next day was the parade.  It was in downtown to Evergreen so we met a friend, got some donuts and waited...always the hardest part.  The parade was great, but again, it was even more fun to watch Liam, to watch him learn to get candy from the street, to see him in awe of the giant monster truck, to have him excited to see the big dogs, the horses and everything else in between.  He makes me so happy and so proud.  He really is turning into this amazing kid, instead of a baby or toddler.  Time does fly - seems like just yesterday I was wearing him around!

Quick catch up

My goodness, life has been busy, very busy.  I don't even know where to start with all we have done since our little Cora was born.  It has been just about 10 weeks and we have been all over and done way too many things, but all in a good way!

Here are just a few quick catch ups on what we have been up to!

Cora and I hiking when she was just 3 days old - the start to an adventure filled life for her!  

My parents came to visit soon after Cora was born.  This is the same shirt my dad wore when he met each and every grandbaby!

 This kid loves to lay with his little sister!

 Perhaps all my yoga helped her find her zen moment.

 Another hike/adventure to Lair O' the Bear, we hiked up and down by the water, Liam needed a snack as well!

 Daddy's Lemon's race that we went to.

We had a few other big outing and events that will there own blogs.  We experienced some of the Evergreen Rodeo, went camping and celebrated the 4th of July!  I'll get to those!

Trust

I've been sitting here for a few days working on the best way to share our story - Cora's birth story.  Mostly, I have decided to let her sit in my lap and cuddle instead of typing and I also needed some time for it all to really sink in...to come up with the best way to share it for me (as I did for Liam) and for her someday.  We have told the story over and over and each time it makes me smile a little more.  Each time I remember a new detail that I forgot the time before, so I figured the more time that added up, I'd be able to have all the details, the good, the bad, and the ugly ones as I did with Liam's birth story.  So, feel free to read on, I can't promise it will be complete and I'll remember everything and I can't promise that anyone would want to read it, but I know I need to write it.

So, again, I'll start similar to how I started Liam's story - in the end, we have a healthy and wonderful baby - and that is all that mattered.  But, I will say that this time, we had other ideas.  We went through so much with Liam that we didn't want to have happen, we knew what we wanted this time and we were going to do what we had to do to get it.  I spent a lot of time the last few weeks I was pregnant being worried about what happened last time - about having to be induced, about being stuck in the hospital, about not having any control over just about anything, about the doctor's not really being on my side, about Sean being injured and unable to give me what I needed - the list went on and on.  And I continued to worried.  At some point, I knew I had to release that worry - I'm not sure when it happened, or what was the key for me to letting go - but it must have happened and my body decided it would be ready to have this little girl - more ready than any of us knew.

I felt my first contraction, twinge at about 4:11 PM.  It was on my way home from work, it wasn't painful, just a feeling that continued pretty regularly for the ride home.  It wasn't enough for me to be concerned, I mostly thought it was fake, so I didn't tell anyone.  I finally got home and I mentioned to Sean that I was feeling things.  We decided to go get some dinner at the local mac and cheese place and I went with something a little spicy just in case she needed some extra push to be ready to come out.  We came home, I decided perhaps I should start timing things as they were getting a little stronger.  Liam finally went to sleep, I laid down to try and see if that would slow anything down or stop anything that wasn't actually happening.  No change, the contractions were coming about every 3 or 4 minutes and lasting about 45 seconds - and getting more painful, rather just more forceful.

This was at about 9:00 PM when we went upstairs - or not, I actually have no idea about a time line on anything - funny enough, we didn't even really notice what time she was born at, but that's for later in the story.  So, no time line here, just contractions that kept happening - over and over, stronger and stronger.  I laid down, I was on my hands and knees, I was on the exercise ball, I was on the floor, I was leaning over my dresser and just about anywhere else were I was able to relieve a bit of pain.  This continued for most of the night, I got in the tub/shower at some point and that seemed to help.  Liam woke up a few times so Sean was able to get in bed with him and take a couple of short naps - not for me, for me it was non-stop contractions.

Once I got out the shower, I knew I needed to do something to get through the rest of this.  And to be honest, Sean and I both thought we had plenty of time to get to the hospital and have this baby, so neither of us were in a huge rush.  We figured we'd wait until about 6:00 AM, take Liam to day care early and go have the baby - simple enough.  And if we learned anything from Liam, it's that no kid goes by any plan you have - for birth and for the rest of their lives.

So, at some point, I found what I called my zone, whatever that was, it was a time where I was able to relax a bit, calm down and perhaps even close my eyes in between the contractions.  They were still coming, just as strong and fast, but I found a place to go to to get away from it.  This was during a longer time period that Sean was with Liam and I was in my dark bedroom, listening to some relaxing Pandora station that Sean put on.  I laid down on my side for the small break and sat up during the contractions, I leaned my legs forward and shifted my weight back and forth and somehow, this all helped - somehow things slowed down in my world and I was able to calm down and looking back, progress even farther.  At some point, though, I was done - done with my calm place, done with being alone, done with being pregnant and in labor.  I wanted to quit...I had no idea what that meant, but I was done.  I went to get Sean and he joined me back in our room.  It was so crazy and awesome to be in the comforts of home for all of this - no one coming in to check how far I have progressed, no one attaching things to check the baby, just me, trusting my body and my partner to do what we needed to do - when I didn't want to quit, of course.  So, at this point, Sean started to think it was time to get going, but also we thought we'd have plenty more time - after all, Liam took 2 and 1/2 days to come.  Sean suggested I get back in the tub after he saw the pain I was in.

He got the water and tub ready for me and I headed in.  It was a tough time - again, not sure how long it all lasted, but it was a while.  I tried to move from position to position to get more comfortable, there was no way for me to be that was comfortable as I moved through my contractions.  At some point, I found some side lying position, half hanging out of the tub that got me through another set of progression as I like to think of it.  At some point, Sean tried to make me eat...which was something I really wanted to make sure I was able to do in labor - both with Liam and this time.  The doctors advise against it saying that if you get sick, that is unpleasant in labor - and they certainly were right.  Thankfully, Liam's potty chair was close enough for me to throw up in there.  And even at the time, I found it a little funny that I got sick.  It's even funnier now - something the doctors really felt strongly about - and I said screw that and paid the price.

Anyways, as I got through that, I couldn't go back to getting comfortable.  My body was ready or done or not sure what, but I had let go and trusted that my body and Sean knew what was best.  So, I got out of the tub, after a few more contractions and being super cold and super hot, all within about 15 seconds on each other and sat on the toilet.  It was at this point, I felt like I wanted to push.  Sean told me to go ahead and start, he assumed I'd be pushing for a while.  Liam was awake at this point, coming in to check on mommy and needing us to get to sleep.  Sean called Miss Sharon - who is Liam's day care and is just down the block.  She was going to head up so we could head to the hospital.

As Sean told me that we were mostly ready to go, just needed me to get ready, I knew I had no desire to be in a car at all.  I was in some serious pain and wanting to push - this was not something I wanted.  We joked about waiting long enough to have the baby in the car, but I didn't really think we'd get to that point.  But we were at that point, the point where she was coming no matter where we were.

I'm pretty sure anyone and in the near area would have woken up when I decided it was time to push.  I read at some point to tap into your primal instincts during birth and I certainly did that - to say there was a bit of screaming during my pushing would be an understatement.  Liam came in to check on mommy - I think he was just curious as to what was happening - thankfully he didn't freak out or cry and he was happy to come downstairs and watch a movie.

At some point, I got back into the tub, decided to try and be on all fours for a bit, just in case I was having back labor and she was sunny side as Liam was, it's supposed to be better that way.  So, at this time, Sean is downstairs turning the TV on for Liam, I am upstairs pretty much having a baby, being worried that perhaps something is wrong.  Nothing in my body told me anything was wrong, it was just a fear placed there - like what a huge mistake we made by not getting medical attention if something was wrong.  By this time, Sean came back up and was able to see her head.  He assured me nothing was wrong, she was coming out the right way and to keep pushing.  I sat back down and pushed out baby Cora.  Sean worked hard to ensure she was delivered correctly, that she looked well, that she was pinking up, all the medical things he should be doing.  He found some string to tie off the umbilical cord between Cora and I, he put her on my chest and we both looked at each other, mostly in disbelief.

And in that moment it was all right and worth it.  We didn't have a million doctors and nurses telling us what to do, we didn't have anyone, we just had each other.  I remember looking at Sean and trying to figure out if it was over, if she was all right, if what really happened just happened.  I sat there, in the tub with Cora on my chest and the moment seemed to freeze.  The moment Sean looked down and knew she was all right, the moment she arrived.  And the only way she arrived the way she did was due to me trusting - trusting myself and my body and trusting Sean to deliver our baby.  Time stood still, I didn't think about anything other than we just had a baby, in the most natural possible way, doing things the way women are meant to do things.  It was amazing, and still hasn't sunk in.  She laid on me, she cuddled, she tried to nurse...all the things we wanted.  She was awake and alert and scared and happy to be in the world with us.  It is still hard to put into words how it all felt - perhaps it will sink in one day, perhaps it will take a lifetime to sink in, but regardless, it was amazing, unreal and spectacular.

Sharon arrived and brought Liam upstairs to meet his baby sister.  She was so happy to be a part in her small way of the miracle that happened.  Liam went to get some toys to try and share with Cora right away.  I finally snapped out of some daze of joy and realized we had no idea what time she was born at, did some back tracking from when we called Sharon and decided on 5:53 AM.  I sat there, in the tub, in such a wonderful moment.  My family was all with me, at home and Sean and I worked together as the best team possible.  I love when I get to work with him on things and there was no way I would have gotten through any of this without him, his belief in me, his medical knowledge and his confidence to know we could do it together.

We finally got out of the tub, and snuggled the rest of the day on the couch.  There were plenty of insurance phone calls to make and thankfully Sean took care of those.  We had to take Cora to see a doctor that day to make sure she was all right.  She weighed in at 7.25 pounds and 18.9 inches.  A nurse came the next day to check on her again and all seemed to check out.  Sean worked through the system of getting all those things figured out and I'm sure we have plenty more to figure out.

But at this point, all I know is that we did things how we wanted, while it wasn't how we planned, we were able to have the most natural possible experience for Cora and us.  She has been a champ in just about every way possible so far...I'm sure that will change, but I have to believe that trusting my body to do what it was made to do was a huge step in this process, of her being well, of us bonding well, of all the positives we feel with her at this time.

I am still completely overwhelmed with joy at how things happened, how everything turned out and how lucky we were.  I should also say that I feel very lucky that there were no medial issues that we ran into in order to have this amazing experience.  My heart is happy and full of love with our family of four.  Watching Sean as a dad to a newborn again makes my heart swell with love.  I fill with such pride for Liam when he talks about how much he loves his new sister.  I know we were worried before we had her, how would the love grow - but love is like that, there is no limit to it, no way to explain how it grows, how it all works, but it is there, and stronger than ever, for my little girl, for my big boy and for my husband, my best friend, my partner in all of this Sean.  Life is good today.  I know we had a couple rough patches and I'm sure there are more to come, but right now, I'm still so full of happiness and love, that the rest of that doesn't seem to matter.  And all because I let go and trust.