Decide what to be...

...and go be it.  I bought a shirt with this on it at the Avett Brothers show that Sean and I went to a few weeks ago.  And the statement just sits with me.  Decide what to be - well, that's easier said that done, how can I decide what to be when all sorts of things happening in my life are mostly telling me what to be, dictating how to use my time and not giving me a huge chance to decide for myself.  And then just go be it...it's just that easy, right?  Just go be whatever you want to me...just decide.

I struggled with that over this weekend a little bit.  We had a nice weekend, stayed around our house and had some mini-adventures.  It was so fun.  Yesterday we decided to take my new bike out for a ride while Sean pulled the kids.  It was a new path in Clear Canyon running right along the creek.  It was a great, the sun was out but it hadn't gotten too hot yet, the water was running along the creek and the path wasn't too crowded.  Then we got to the end, and it ended right at some mountain bike trails.  Perfect, right?  Well, Sean told me to go ride and I just couldn't.  I decided I wasn't going to do well and it happened, I sucked at it and just bailed for some reason.  So, I guess it work, I decided I wasn't going to succeed and I didn't.  How come decided what to be and acting on it is nice and easy when it's negative.  Boo to that...boo to the thoughts that continued to tell me that I'm not really good at anything anymore.  I used to be good at things, soccer, running, biking, climbing...but to be honest, I don't do these things on a regular basis anymore, I'm too busy.  Another great excuse.  Too busy working, having a house, raising the kids, being a single mom a few days a week and the list goes on.  But I call bullshit on myself on that one.  I am so quick to find an excuse as to why my pants don't fit, or why I want to just have one more beer, but let's be honest, it's all crap.

I am very capable of making wise decisions for myself, I have will power to not eat the bars of toffee sitting next to me and I have to be able to stick with it.  It's frustrating to have to work so hard on everything, or at least that is what it seems like to me.  Like, why can't I just eat pretty decent and then fit into my pants?  Why do I have to be spot on with my nutrition, my working out and everything else?  Why can't I just get a little slack?  Again, I call crap on myself....

It's time to really decide what I want to be and make it happen.  I have a goal that seemed like I had so much time to accomplish...when I turn 40, I want to be in the best shape of my life.  So, here we go, it's a year and a half away and I am getting there, I know I am getting stronger and maybe some of those pants won't ever fit, but honestly, I'm ready for it.  I'm ready to kick some butt and work my tail off, yet again.  Of course, today I opted to eat lunch instead...perhaps a nice walk will get my juices going before my meeting...but I need to find the balance.  The balance of having my life, being with my kids and also being the best me I can be.  It's hard to remember that I'm a priority, it's easy to be stuck doing everything else for everyone else.  I need time for me.  Sometimes I need to fit in my workout with my kids, sometimes I need to spend time with my husband, but I also need time for me.  I need time to breath and stretch and relax - in comes yoga.  Yoga will be my peace for now, just a few minutes here and there, but something, getting my head in a place I know I can be successful.

Yep, I'm all over the place today, but basically, I needed to get this out....I'm awesome and amazing and I can do anything I put my mind to and that's it, it's time to put my mind to it, to getting to the next level of fitness for me.  And I have to remember that not everyday I'm going to feel like going out there and kicking butt, but at least moving is something and it's more than better than nothing...so, off I go, to get some fresh air and recharge for my meeting...and be the best me I can be.

Lessons learned

It's funny, you can learn the simplest lessons from the oddest place, or rather while you are going something you never thought would teach you a lesson.  I took a few days off of work and we were going to go camping.  We had about an hour left of packing to get done, when we decided to check the weather - 50 and rain where we wanted to go, not ideal for camping, but we could make it work.  Then we checked the radar and there was mostly a storm over the whole western half of Colorado, which is where we planned on going.  So, thinking about that, taking the kids out to camp in that weather sounded less than awesome.  Liam would have enough fun in the camper, I think, but Cora might go a little nutty.  So, we bailed on camping.  Liam was sad and bummed, but we countered that with a trip to a mall, which if you know us, if pretty off our normal.  I had to return a few things and there is a pretty fun play place.  It got his mind off camping at that point.

The next day, Sean and I decided to take a climbing date day without the kiddos.  He worked hard to find the best place to multi-pitch climb, something I had never done before.  We hiked along to get to the climbing route and he started to explain all the things I'd have to do, I was a bit nervous, but it sounded like fun.  So, up he went.  And in came the clouds.  And the wind.  He was climbing, I was doing my job belaying him, all went well until the halfway point of the rope crossed through my belay device.  So, I'm trying to yell at him, tell him what the deal was and he finally got it and thankfully called to talk about it.  And then I realized something funny about when we go climb...we typically spend some time walking to the base of the climb, setting up, he goes up and sets the rope and then comes done, I get a climb in, then he goes back up to clean, etc.  So, I don't typically get that much climbing in.  And I started to get a little annoyed by that...and then I basically smacked myself across the face.  Here I was standing here in this beautiful natural place, hanging out with Sean and somehow being upset about it.  So, I let it go.  The climb took a small wrong turn and we had to back track and do a bunch of other things, so I was mostly set with the fact that I wasn't going to climb.  Things worked out well enough before the rain hit and I climbed and I was reminded how much I love climbing, my moves were pretty decent, my strength surprised me, which is always nice.  On our walk back to the car, we chatted more about climbing, about how I want to do it more, make it happen and be a part of it.  I want to know what I'm doing enough to go on my own, well, not really on my own because you kind of need a climbing partner, but well...go without Sean sometime.  So, that's my plan and goal, we will see how it happens, if it's this summer and go from there.

And then it was Sean's birthday.  I sucked, I was so busy all weekend, I didn't get him a card, or even make one with the kids.  It was a rainy, kinda crappy day, so we decided to get some breakfast and head to the Children's Museum.  It was so fun, the kids had a blast, Liam had fun last time we went, but this time was loving it, loving everything about it.  He is turning into such a kid, with his own thoughts on what he wants to do, what he wants to learn and it's so much fun to watch.  And Cora, the way she followed him around and did whatever he did was the best.  At some point, she was going down a slide and I was at the end, letting her climb by herself, another mom was rushing over to help her...she was fine, didn't need help, and it was all soft had she fallen, but it's amazing how coordinated and fearless she is.  Then, something hit me, I was done and it wasn't just the kids all around, it felt like I got hit buy a truck.  So, we slowly made our way out.  We stopped at Target on the way home, Cora and I napped in the car while the boys at lunch and shopped.  By the time I got home, I was in rough shape...I'll save the details, but get to the point of my lessons learned.

I laid there, thinking I was dying and Sean took care of me and the kids.  I'm sure he had plenty of other things he wanted to do, but he was there with us and that made me so happy and grateful.  I was thrilled he wasn't at work, I couldn't have done that with the kids.  I mostly was the sickest I have ever been and never want to eat again if it causes the possibility of being that sick in any way.  But I realized a few things...Sean has amazing patience with me and with the kids.  He isn't as used to being around everyone as he has been, but he was amazing.  Getting dinner ready, the kids ready for bed, all while I was pleading for him to help me in some way.  He took Cora to put her to sleep as Liam sat with me in the bathroom (I was in the shower at this point again) and read me books.  He was the sweetest, telling me how he wanted me to feel better, to be sure to come and snuggle him before I got to bed and say good night.  I don't know what happened to that kid, but as he grows, I'm more and more proud of him.  He is the sweetest kid most of the time and so on top of everything going on.  He woke up a few times at night and came in needing snuggles, so Sean snuggled him for a bit and took him back to bed.  He woke up early, before Sean left and was so excited to get to see him.  And then he crawled into bed with us and gave Cora some snuggles.  I guess for all the times it seems like we are messing up at parents, we are doing all right if that kid is so sweet.

So, lessons learned, the little things don't matter, what we have in front of us, each moment is what matters to me.  So what is the laundry isn't folded again, or Liam's room might not be clean, we have each moment to make the choices of what's most important.  Sometimes I just need a clean house and I forget everything else going on.  But this morning, when I saw dishes in the sink from last night's dinner, there was no way I was going to be upset about that.  That might not happen every morning, but the more mornings I learn to let go of those things, the more I'll have moments with the kids and Sean that can't be replaced, so that's what I focus on.

It is real...

Today was the first day it seems in a while that Sean worked a day over the weekend.  It was the first day of his shift and most of me just wanted to be lazy, stay home, have a pj day, clean the house and get work done.  That changed and I made plans with friends to go to see a truck show/race.  Liam loved it, it was quite fun and nice to enjoy the sun.  On the way home, I talked to Sean and asked if he wanted visitors.  Of course he did, seems like a silly question.  So, we headed to see Sean at work.  But then we had to eat lunch first, and not come just yet.  The kids were getting crabby and I was ready to bail on the whole idea.  Then we were allowed to stop by, so we did.  We get to stop by and see Sean, Liam got to see all the fire trucks and ambulances, Cora ran around as she does these days and I just kept a general eye on all.  We hung out for a bit, met all the firefighters, saw where Sean spent his time away from home and it was time to leave.  I hoped to get home at a decent time, perhaps even get the kids to nap so I could get my work done.  

Sean was walking us out and saying good-bye to us...and he suddenly said he had to go, he heard the alarms.  He gave us all a quick kiss and handed Cora to me as his co-firefighter came out to yell at him to go...he was already on his way back.  And something hit me.  It was real.  He's a real fireman.  I didn't ever think it was all fake, but seeing him run back into the fire house struck a cord with me.  I dropped Liam off at his car seat (I had to grab him after he feel and scraped his knee again). and told I him it was real, dad is a real firefighter...and of course, I teared up a bit.  Because it was real, because I watched him drive away on the fire truck, lights and sirens blairing, not knowing where he was going or what he was doing.  It's a crazy thing, he has always done something a little dangerous, helicopter paramedic, flew around with his donor job and everything else he does in better.  But something was different this time he drove away.  We used to have rules, his rule was to call me before he took off and after he'd land...I'd say something silly about being safe and I'd wait to talk to him again.  

But now I can't get that...when he has to go, he has to go.  He has tons of work to do at the station and not as much time to call me.  And that's all right, it's not easy, but it's all right.  I send him messages and picures of the kids, I call and leave messages because he needs to know we are thinking about him.  I don't hear from him as much, but it's all right, I know he is there, I know he is safe and I know he is doing good, such good.  He is doing something amazing with his life that we support.  It's funny, I feel like I see things about firefighter, police, military spouses, about how they are so important.  I had people tell me that my role was just as important as his was and I didn't really get it until today.  Today it all came together.  Many of those people can't do what they are doing, unless they have the support.  He can't do what he is doing if I'm not doing what I am doing.  It's not always easy to be alone for 48 or more hours, but it's worth it, for him, for what he is doing.  The kids miss him for sure, but we are getting used to it.  And the reunion when they see him always makes my heart melt.

So, how do I deal with the real?  Do I just forget the fact that bad things could happen?  Do I complain about how hard some nights are?  Is it extra stressful when I have extra work to get done on the days he's working?  Do I lie awake some nights and worry when I don't get to say good night to Sean?  Am I just as excited to see him as the kids after those 48 hours?  Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes...I'll be honest, it's not always easy.  The kids have been great and we've had pretty good days getting out the door and got into a good groove at bedtime.  Will we have bad days?  For sure...I know that will happen.  Will I cry some nights with the kids because we miss daddy?  For sure...but I also remember that people have it worse, much worse.  We just have to survive 48 hours a few times a month.  So, we do it...we will continue to do it...I'll continue to worry when I don't talk to him.  I might even cry some nights, but I'll also be strong.  I know the kids need me and I need them, and we will all be strong and get through the tough times.  But it certain is real...Sean is a firefighter and there's no joke about that.   

We are done!

Finally, it has been a long 14 weeks, that when looking back, seemed to go by in a flash.  But we are done, Sean graduated on Friday afternoon and is now officially a fireman.  It was such a wonderful fun, full of emotions, crazy kids running around and a very handsome husband in his fancy fire uniform.  I was a little worried about the ceremony, about me, about how emotional I'd be, about how'd I miss too many moments of it chasing the kids around and the list goes on.  I would get choked up the day before when I thought it, I spent the morning figuring out how to minimize my crying at the ceremony and then just decided to accept what would happen as it came to me.  We spent 14 long weeks counting down to this moment, working hard to keep our lives as normal as possible and finally, we were here!  Daddy was going to be a real fireman - so if I cried, so be it!

The first time Sean came home
with his gear to practice, Liam
had to get dressed as well.

I got the kids ready and as I was doing so, I was realizing this was the end...and a new beginning.  I was done being mostly a single parent, needing to drop the kids each morning and make sure I am there each night to get them...get dinner ready and sometimes get dinner started while Sean worked his butt off at academy, physically and mentally.  It made me appreciate him and our teamwork so much more.  It made me stronger, made me see I could do it all...mostly.  I was able to get the kids taken care of, get my work done and keep a mostly sane household.  It wasn't easy, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry and freak out a few times, but it seemed like at some point, my focus shifted.  I went from needing to be in charge of everything to picking my battles.  I didn't argue with Liam when he wouldn't get dressed up stairs, I worked with him to convince him to get dressed when he wanted to.  We had mornings where I yelled at him for not getting ready fast enough, not doing his chores and not getting dressed when I needed him to.  But we also had mornings where we all clicked.  The kids slept late enough for me to shower and get ready, but woke up early enough to get some breakfast and play time before we rushed out the door.  Those were the mornings I remember and I hope the kids do as well.  But the other mornings happened, and so did rough dinners and everything in between.  But we made it, and I learned to manage time a little bit better.  I relied on Sean when he was around so I could get my workout in.  I woke up early to not be rushed.  I went to bed early to not be tired.  I think we changed our way of thinking about a lot of things and I think it was all for the better.

Don't get me wrong, life has always been pretty amazing for me, with Sean and the kids.  I love every moment of us all being together, when Sean wants me to take time for me, I'd prefer we all do things together.  But something changed these past 14 weeks....something inside of me.  I realized how hard I can work on my own to support him, which was really working with him.  I noticed how my hard work at home carried over to my job.  I'll tell you it was not easy having Sean gone as much as he was when I was planning Summer Games, our biggest even of the year.  I woke up earlier than I care to admit, worked during hours I should have been sleeping and probably told Liam WAY too many times I was busy working.  But we got it done.  At some point, I knew I needed to get Liam to help me with work, so we'd run errands if needed to.  I remember going to Sports Authority to buy 15 soccer balls with the kids, all balanced delicately on the cart, until I hit a pot hole in the parking lot and balls went everywhere with me running after them, wearing Cora and Liam in the shopping cart.  I just picked us up and moved along, which seems to be something I got a little better at these past few months.  Not everything is the end of the world...we can always look past what we are doing and get to the next thing.  Sometimes that was much easier than I thought it would be and sometimes that was tough.

Liam is so happy daddy is a
fireman, I won't be able to compete!

Liam had a few mornings in a row of being rough, not sleeping enough, and just being crabby.  He would spill something and cry at each meal and in watching him, I learned to let it go, he was sad and crying, how could I get upset with him.  So, we started working together to clean it up.  I watched Liam grow so much the past few months, I gave him the job of being a big helper and he did great, most days.  Somedays, he didn't, somedays, I didn't.  Some mornings, I'd get so mad at him as he giggled an ran around the inside of the car so I'd chase him around opening all the doors...I'd just walk away with Cora until he was upset I wasn't getting him.  The same thing would happen at home, he wouldn't get ready and I'd tell him I was leaving.  Would I prefer to have dealt with all of that different, for sure...but I'll admit that somedays I didn't have anything else to give.  In the end of it all, I couldn't have done as well as I did without Liam stepping up as he did, on most days!

Twins!  

And Cora, little Cora, who is now my big walking girl...she changed so much too.  She had some rough spells, nights where we'd be up all night long, I'd thankfully have work to do, but her missing her sleep was not great.  It wasn't great I wasn't sleeping either.  She was getting teeth, or getting ready to walk, or whatever it may be, she wasn't sleeping.  So, we worked through that, thankfully.  And then, weeks before my big event, she got sick, had to stay with Mommy.  I'll admit, I didn't hate the extra cuddles, but trying to get all the things done I needed to while she was sick was tough, very tough!  But we made it, she made it and man, she has really started to become her own person - her own tantrums and wants and needs...forgot how crabby a little kiddo that can't communicate that well can be.  She is learning how to pick on her brother and drive him crazy and I'm learning it's not always Liam's fault - it might be mostly Cora's fault.

And now on to Sean, I'll keep his part short as I'm sure he'll get mad at me if I say too much.  I will say that Sean is the kind of person that is good at just about everything.  He'll go run a race after not running for 3 months and come in 3rd...whereas I will train for 3 months for a race and be happy I didn't die.  I'm so happy for him and how he can do that and so jealous all at the same time.  But he had to work for this, and he worked hard.  He studied more than I'm sure he wanted to and worked out at levels he probably hasn't reached in a while.  He got fit and strong and is maybe in the best shape of his life and now he is a firefighter and I couldn't be prouder of him.  I think that's what made me want to cry the most at his ceremony...how proud I was of him...of the whole process, of his desire to take on this new challenge.  He has always been pretty amazing in my eyes, and I know the kids have always adored him, however, now is so much more.  It's hard to put into words, but I'm beyond thrilled to have him back around and I know the kids are as well.

When you have a sick kid and you have to get
work done!

And finally me...there is time for me again.  I mean, not tons of time because kids and work and life and everything else, but there is still me.  I'm so excited to be able to leave for work early on some days and miss traffic, or stay late for an after work drink or workout.  I am also so happy that while all this was going on, working out is what kept me sane and on track.  My lunch workouts would be such a great pick me up, I'd never want to miss, even if it meant waking up extra early to get work done.  I'm proud that I still took care of myself during this busy time.  I ate decent, I worked out and was active and I was overall pretty happy.  Again, we had some rough days, days where I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to do it, but in the end, I did it, we did it.  And we certainly came out stronger on the other side.  This was just  a taste for me, of what I can do, of how much more I can achieve and of just how far I can go.

So happy it's done, so proud of this
man  and everything he did!

So, now we start again, a new chapter, a chapter of a different schedule, more days home for Sean, but more nights he will miss bedtime.  This new chapter is scary for me...now he's a real fireman and I've seen plenty of fireman movies and TVs - and that has to be real, right?  But honestly, it scares me a bit...the dangers of the job, but they go well with our dangers of life, so I will accept and move on and know that all will happen for a reason.  For now, I will enjoy everyday I have with everyone and look forward to life now that I have my teammate and best friend back.  And I'll hug those kids and Sean and each time I leave and see them again and let them know just how much I love them and I love the life we have created, even with the new turns!

It's so much more than a job...

...I just got back from my 16th State Summer Games...16 - wow, that makes me feel pretty old.  I have been lucky enough to experience Summer Games in different roles - a coach, an assistant to running venues, just a supportor and finally the organizer of the games.  I also have been able to participate in 2 different states and different programs, which opens my eyes up to so much more.

I will never forget how it all started, my interview with Lambs Farm, with Kreig and Bob, asking questions, me fresh out of college, just wanting to have a job when the summer was done so I could not be worried about finding a job anymore.  In my mind, it would be a job that gave me some time to figure out what to do with my life.  Little did I know that it would become such a huge part of my life.  I feel like when I got the call for the job, I wasn't even smart enough to ask any questions other than I'll take it.  I don't know if I recall all the details of my first day, but I do remember when I started to meet some of the participants in class, how welcoming they were, how not nervous I was, how it all just felt right to be there.  So, I spent 6 years there, coaching Special Olympics, teaching other classes, becoming a part of the family that we had in the recreation department.  It was great, I can still remember all the smiles and happiness at events, the fun we would have, especially at State Games and everything in between.  Sure, it wasn't always great, but I knew it was where I belonged. 

When the chance came to work for Special Olympics Illinois, I was thrilled to apply.  I knew some of the ins and outs of the events and some of the staff, but I had no idea how this job would change my life even more.  I started in Chicago working with some passionate staff and coaches that were so committed to the events and the athletes.  I got to learn so much by working on very large events, I got to meet so many great athletes, coaches and volunteer groups that were making such a difference.  I was making a difference...and so where all the people I worked with.  I began to gain a second family, people always having my back, people supporting me and jumping in to help me whenever I needed it, even if we didn't always disagree.  And then I moved jobs, moved back to the area where Lambs Farm athletes competed and let me tell you...going to an event and getting a minimum of 20 hugs from people that really care about you and really miss you in one of the best feelings in the world.  I said I'd never leave that job unless I went to run the state events. 

Which is when the move came up, and it was so hard to leave the Special Olympics Illinois family, the athletes, the coaches, my co-workers, the volunteers that I got to know and everyone in between.  After all, Liam had such an amazing extended family, as did I.  I'll never forget his first winter games at 6 weeks...he was so loved by so many people and got so many snuggles.  And his first Summer Games, when he was just done with everything and instead of going out, we took some wine up to my hotel room to hang out so the kid could sleep.  I better stop with all the great memories, I might get teary eyed and it's been almost 4 whole days since I have cried, ha!  But the job was more than a job, it was my second family that had been there when I met Sean (which was at a Special Olympics event).  The crew got us a kayak that we still use and I think about everyone each time we use it.  It was hard to tell everyone I was leaving...so hard.  But I got through it and the best part about that family, every single one of them told me it's where I belong, with maybe some swears mixed in there.  Maybe that was their way of getting rid of me, but I'd like to think it's because they all cared so much about me and my family. 

Fast forward to today, I sit here a week after our State Summer Games in Colorado and I couldnt' be happier with my decision.  Sure, I miss my SOIL family, but now I have another family out here to add to all of that.  Following Liam's first games, Cora was at her first Summer Games at just about 6 weeks and she got more snuggles and love that I think I recall, having been slightly exhausted over the weekend from a newborn.  Liam is so welcomed at all the events, when he doesn't show up, people want to know where he is.  And it's been so fun getting to know more and more athletes and coaches.  The volunteer groups I work with amaze me each time we meet, their extra dedication to help out is something that carries over to the events and it's awesome.

At the end of the day, my extended family has grown and grown as my personal family has, all are welcome, all are accepted and cared about.  And in the end, it's right where I want to be doing what I want to do, hard to call it a job most days which keeps me grounded after 16 years of this...wonder how many more I will make? 

One bottle

So, this morning on my way out to the car on trip one, taking the bags and things for the day, I held a bottle of milk for Cora, about 9 ounces, pretty good amount of mommy milk for her to still be having.  And it slipped out of my hand as I was trying to get Burton, who is coned and leashed at all times, to pee.  I was so made, the bottle dropped and broke and I was able to save about 3 ounces while I watched the rest soak up into our driveway.  Then I watched as Burton smelled this, somehow blaming him or everything for it.  So, I picked up the broken bottle and saved what I could and somehow managed to get everyone out of the house on time again.  I've been in a good groove with that, but man, I am sure am ready to not rush out the door tomorrow morning.

I took then kids and went on my way, it was only during my drive to work that I really started to think about that bottle.  That particular bottle was one that we got for Liam when he was on his nursing strike, we were told it would better as it came with some fancy slow flow nipple.  We used it for a while, but it turned out that Liam figured it out and the milk was coming out too fast, not what we were hoping for to get him back to nursing.  It was a bottle that I used for pumping when I was back at work, watching the ounces fill, always worrying if it would be enough for the next day.  It was a bottle that reminds me of so much and while I know it seems silly that one little bottle can you remind you of over a year of nursing with one kid, remembering the struggles and the victories we had, and then meaning something totally different with Cora.  With Liam, I didn't seem to make as much milk, I did everything and I was able to get just about enough, but with Cora, I've been lucky.  I never had to supplement her with anything, so it was a joy pumping in this large bottle, after all, the first pump of the day used to fill it at least half way.

But now the bottle is broken.  And it makes me sad.  I am so happy my nursing journey with Liam ended so positive, it got me ready for the amazing trip with Cora.  She has been great, always wanting to be close and nurse, even if I need a break, always having enough milk and filling this bottle that shattered today before me.  So, while I'm sad about it and realizing what it all meant to me, I feel all right letting this bottle go, it means we are on to the next part, the part where Cora doens't need me as much, but still wants me, and that's one of the best parts I remember with Liam.  The mornings when he'd wake up and want to nurse, nursing him to sleep and snuggling him close.

There is no way to know when she will be done, when she will just be over it like Liam was, I feel like it happened so suddenly with him and it might be the same with her.  But I also know that I won't make her stop nursing.  This bottle breaking is just that, a bottle breaking, a way for me to remember how far I came with Liam and how great Cora and I did.  I remember the struggles and the joys of the first latch with both kids, the sometimes pain of Cora's newborn little mouth, the first teeth that made things a little more difficult.  But in the end, I wouldn't trade either of my journeys.  While Cora's might have been easier, I don't know if I could have done it without knowing all I learned from Liam, the groups I attended, the strangers that reached out to help because we had the same goal.

So, the bottle, it's still in my sink, I didn't get to dishes today, and it makes me a little sad to see it broken, but I know it's just another step in the journey.  Now it's time to nurse little Cora to sleep and enjoy every moment I have left with her.

One year...

...it has been one year since Cora was born, since I labored all night with her and had her at home in our bathtub, when Sean delivered her and I sat with her and snuggled her and fed her and loved her.  One year.  It means so many things to me, so many things have changed and so many things have stayed the same.  I still nurse her to sleep and she falls asleep on my lap on the couch most nights.  She still sleeps in our bed and wakes up to nurse some nights.  She cries still, just quite a bit louder.  She is still my little baby girl, but so many other things have changed.

Cora has grown up in so many ways, she takes up tons more space in bed and is moving all over.  She isn't walking yet, but she is crawling, standing and cruising.  She is babbling plenty, screams when she wants things, points, smiles and giggles plenty.  She gives these silly wide open mouth kisses that are just too sweet to pass up, even if it means slobber all over me.  She thinks she's so funny when it's time for bed and I actually try to put her down in bed and she gets up, rolls over and climbs all over me.  Her laugh and giggle are hard to be upset around, so bedtime can be a challenge, just like Liam.

But she's a year, and that means so many other things.  It means she has nursed for a year, it was all us, she did it, she worked so hard and so did I!  She made it a year on mostly all breastmilk.  My body did what it needed to do for her.  And we will still nurse, who knows for how long, but right now, I really enjoy the extra bonding we have.  I learned so much from my struggle with Liam that I am proud to have gotten this far with her.  We had a few bumps, but we made it, we made it a year and I'm so proud of that. 

And while I don't have my pre-baby body back, I trust that I am where I am for a reason, maybe I need to hold on to a little extra weight to keep making my milk for Cora.  While some days are frustrating when some pants still don't fit, I remember that I'm working for Cora right now...not as much as I had to in the past, but still, I want to make milk for her and I am going to keep doing it...I can probably focus a little more on me, extra workouts, etc, but I'm not going to drag myself down anymore about it, Cora won't nurse forever, and when she's done, I can get back to kicking butt.

But it's been a year, a year since one of the most amazing days of my life, a day that I relive over and over again, a day that I smile about over and over again.  It was a day that reminds me of my strength, Sean's support and our teamwork.  It was also a day that reminded me how much Liam has grown up, what a big boy he was that morning when I had Cora.  I think back to what a sweet and honest moment it was when he came in to meet Cora.  I said something to him today about how it was Cora's birthday and asked him if remembered how she was born in the bathtub, he said he did and asked me some questions about when I was pregnant, said he remembered when daddy put me in the tub.  

So yeah, a year, a year of so many things, my baby girl is growing up and I miss my little snuggle bug, I'm lucky that she is still a snuggle bug, or at least I make her be one.  I love walking with her in a carrier and feeding her, even though she mostly wants to look around and play...she still likes to be close to me and that's an amazing feeling, I look forward to growing with her as our relationship changes, but in the end, she will always be my baby girl.