One year...

...it has been one year since Cora was born, since I labored all night with her and had her at home in our bathtub, when Sean delivered her and I sat with her and snuggled her and fed her and loved her.  One year.  It means so many things to me, so many things have changed and so many things have stayed the same.  I still nurse her to sleep and she falls asleep on my lap on the couch most nights.  She still sleeps in our bed and wakes up to nurse some nights.  She cries still, just quite a bit louder.  She is still my little baby girl, but so many other things have changed.

Cora has grown up in so many ways, she takes up tons more space in bed and is moving all over.  She isn't walking yet, but she is crawling, standing and cruising.  She is babbling plenty, screams when she wants things, points, smiles and giggles plenty.  She gives these silly wide open mouth kisses that are just too sweet to pass up, even if it means slobber all over me.  She thinks she's so funny when it's time for bed and I actually try to put her down in bed and she gets up, rolls over and climbs all over me.  Her laugh and giggle are hard to be upset around, so bedtime can be a challenge, just like Liam.

But she's a year, and that means so many other things.  It means she has nursed for a year, it was all us, she did it, she worked so hard and so did I!  She made it a year on mostly all breastmilk.  My body did what it needed to do for her.  And we will still nurse, who knows for how long, but right now, I really enjoy the extra bonding we have.  I learned so much from my struggle with Liam that I am proud to have gotten this far with her.  We had a few bumps, but we made it, we made it a year and I'm so proud of that. 

And while I don't have my pre-baby body back, I trust that I am where I am for a reason, maybe I need to hold on to a little extra weight to keep making my milk for Cora.  While some days are frustrating when some pants still don't fit, I remember that I'm working for Cora right now...not as much as I had to in the past, but still, I want to make milk for her and I am going to keep doing it...I can probably focus a little more on me, extra workouts, etc, but I'm not going to drag myself down anymore about it, Cora won't nurse forever, and when she's done, I can get back to kicking butt.

But it's been a year, a year since one of the most amazing days of my life, a day that I relive over and over again, a day that I smile about over and over again.  It was a day that reminds me of my strength, Sean's support and our teamwork.  It was also a day that reminded me how much Liam has grown up, what a big boy he was that morning when I had Cora.  I think back to what a sweet and honest moment it was when he came in to meet Cora.  I said something to him today about how it was Cora's birthday and asked him if remembered how she was born in the bathtub, he said he did and asked me some questions about when I was pregnant, said he remembered when daddy put me in the tub.  

So yeah, a year, a year of so many things, my baby girl is growing up and I miss my little snuggle bug, I'm lucky that she is still a snuggle bug, or at least I make her be one.  I love walking with her in a carrier and feeding her, even though she mostly wants to look around and play...she still likes to be close to me and that's an amazing feeling, I look forward to growing with her as our relationship changes, but in the end, she will always be my baby girl.

The next chapter

It began on Monday, well, I guess technically it began back when I was talking to Torch about how Littleton Fire Department was going to hire 20 new recruits in November.  While it didn't happen in November, that's when Sean took his first test to get the ball rolling with this new chapter...and he approached each step with caution and doubt he'd make it to the next step, but the next step kept coming until Monday...which was his first day at the fire academy.  We were told it'd be hard, he will work long hours, come home tired and have homework to do.  But he'd be home every night at least, I thought.  And he'd be off on weekends...so it shouldn't be too bad, right?  Three days in and so far so good...things aren't always easy, I have had a rough few mornings and one fantastic morning getting the kids out the door...Monday Liam just cried for a while, today Cora pooped all over her outfit just as we were leaving, but we made it out the door on time and I made it work on time.  I'm working to adjust my work schedule to take some stress off of me as well, so hopefully that will happen.  And we are almost down to just 13 weeks - July 8, it's the day he will graduate academy and it's when all of this will be done.  July 8 - seems so close, yet so far away.

But I believe we will make it, I believe Sean will make it and make himself one of the best firefighters there can be...and I believe I will rock this part time single mom gig...of course, there are doubts.  What happens when Sean is stuck late and I have a meeting?  What happens when I just can't get the kids of out the door even close to on time?  What happens when Sean is too tired to take out the trash and I forget?  What happens if I am too tired to do the dishes, or laundry?  We will make it, we will make it work, we will catch up at some point and we will be back on track,

It's been a crazy ride to get here, get where Sean wanted to be.  I'm lucky, I have pretty much a dream job that gets better everyday.  But Sean, he mostly just worked, he did very important work most or all of his life, but this was something he could really get into.  Now, if you asked Sean what he wanted to be when he grows up, he has no idea...besides a professional race car driver, but does admit this is pretty much the next best thing.  So what if I work a little harder, watch less TV, pick up some slack here and there during these 14 weeks - isn't that was a marriage is all about?  Sean has always done that for me in my busy seasons, whether it be watching the kids extra, helping me at my events, or anything in between.  We help each other, we make a good team and now, now is my turn to help him out, to support him in his dream and to make it through these few months.

I'll admit, I'm a little worried, the program he is in sounds quite intense...very intense, but I feel if we have a plan and make it all happen to some extent we can make it through this, we can help each other, we can push each other and we can let each other rest if needed.  We can get through this.  Sometimes I think Sean acts a little worried about things so I have to step up and believe and convince him we can do things, all while believing it myself.  And sometimes he probably has doubts, but that is one of the best things about us, it's our balance.  So I am sure I won't get nearly enough time with Sean over the next few months, but I also know that it's important he spend time with the kids and get his work done...so I can push myself aside, at least for a while and make sure we have our plan in place to move forward...and Sean is being great about doing anything he can to help me, so plans help me so much...when you fail to plan, you fail, right?  At least I mostly do.  So I plan to move forward and plan well and get through these 14 weeks, for Sean, for us, for the life we will have after those 14 weeks.  While the first year will be tough, at least he will back on a normal schedule, at least normal for us.

So, this chapter is exciting and new and thrilling - and a little scary and a bit overwhelming, but I know we will make it...and have I mentioned how Liam has woken up the past 2 mornings asking when he can go to the fire station - he's a little excited about daddy being a fireman!

2016 trips

I decided it'd be best to just keep a running record of all the trips we take this year, then at the end of the year, I will make some sort of photo book for all of us to enjoy.

March 17 - March 21 - Moad, Utah - stayed just outside Moab in an amazing camp ground

First camping trip of 2016, Utah

It has been a very busy first few months of the year, how is it almost April already?  We had plenty going on, I was super busy with work, my parents were here, we are re-doing our bathroom and Sean is getting a new job.  But in the middle of all of that, we decided to take a trip...well, Sean decided to take a trip and convinced me to go along.  I love our trips, our new little camper, the kids growing and so on, but I will say the timing was less than great.  I had just worked about 23 straight days with 1 day off, running 3 State events that finished with basketball - which had over 100 teams...it was cramming a weeks worth of hours into 3 days and it was all basketball.  And my parents were here watching the kids and we were gutting our upstairs bathroom - no big deal, right?  So, why not go for the longest camping trip we have been on yet at the end of that.  I had no time to prepare for it, barely time to pack for it certainly not time to look forward to it.

I knew I needed a break, away from work, away from home, just time away to clear my head and to re-center myself.  I just didn't think it was going to be a great time to go, so I was a little against it.  I rallied and got on board and we headed west.  It worked well with a work meeting I was in Grand Junction for, I headed out with Cora and the boys followed with their own set of issues...a flat tire on the trailer, a bike dragged down the highway, but finally we had a nice dinner in Grand Junction and I was ready for the trip.

We woke up the next morning and got ready to go, Sean went food shopping since we didn't pack much and we were on the road.  The kids were in mostly good moods and I was exciting, finally, for a break, a real break...it was great.  We found our campsite with Leah and Tyler and set up camp.  It was fun to set up our new camper and try and figure it all out.  The site we were at was just lots and lots of sand, which Liam and Cora loved.  It left them quite dirty, but they loved it.  We spent the day mostly hanging out and then took the back roads into the Arches National Park.  We walked around a bit and saw part of that park.  After that we headed into Moab for a bit, then headed back to the campsite to hang out and wait for Jolie to show up.
The next day we decided we wanted to climb, so we hit the local wall, found a climb and set it up, it was a fun day and Liam had a blast.  It was the first time he was excited to get his harness and helmet on and waiting patiently to climb.  He was a little scared to get going, however, he spent the most time he had yet on the outside wall - did he enjoy it?  It seemed like it.  Soon he was over it and decided it was too hot, so he decided he wanted to take his shirt off like daddy - and proceeded to want to be in shorts...which ended up being his underwear...I feel he was embracing his inner climber with his new found free-spirit, maybe one day he'll be one of those climbers just roaming around looking for good climbing...that kind of free spirit...but hopefully not in his underwear.  I loved watching him, though.  He loved watching Sean climb and I think he enjoyed seeing me climb too.  He would yell "Good job, Mommy" ever now and then.  The friends we were camping with met us there and climbed a little bit with us.  We all went to Moab for the Quesadilla Mobilla, it was quite tasty.  Sean then needed to rent a mountain bike since he was broken...we did all of that and headed back to camp.

It worked out that Jolie and I snuck off on the rented mountain bikes, me without my shoes to clip in to the pedals, just riding on time and it was so much.  It was hard, the hardest riding I ever did, but it was fun, I was challenged and pushed to the next level and it was worth it, I overcame being freaked out my a trail that was labeled blue/black, knew my limits and walked when I needed to.  And when it was time to ride, I hopped on and had a great time.  The next day, Sean went riding with Tyler and Jolie and I hung out at camp.  We had another friend, Summer come up with Kale.  Liam had a blast playing with Kale and they rented a UTV, which was quite fun.  I didn't get to ride, but I know Summer and Kale had a blast, as did Sean and Liam.  Jolie and I snuck into town for a bit to walk around and hang out until Sean made his way to return his bike.  We then went on a sunset hike to the Corona Arch, which was so fun.  Liam did so great and hiked almost half of the trip we did.  It was so cool to feel so small, but in a different ways that the mountains make you feel small.  It is such a good reminder to know where you belong in the world, being reminder how much bigger things really are out there.

We spend the next day at Canyonlands National Park, going on a few hikes, take plenty of pictures and enjoying the views that went on and on...it was canyons and mountains and all in between.  Liam became a Junior Ranger and hiked quite a bit again.  He also enjoyed a nice nap on my back, which is always fun when I get to carry him again...reminds me of how much he has grown and how much he has changed in all the years I have been carrying him.

We had a great time, it was a long trip, the longest we have done, 4 nights, but so great.  The views were incredible, the sunrises, the sunsets, the stars, the moon.  While I was a little stressed out in the beginning, I ended up just letting go and finding enough enjoyment in everything we did - of course there were a few ups and downs...some tantrums, some tears, but overall, we all had a great time.  It's just a good reminder that sometimes you need to get away, far away to remember how close you all are.  I enjoyed the moments with the kids and Sean and friends we were with.  I loved sitting down, finally at the end of the day when Cora would calm down and sit by the fire and just forget all the other crap that gets in the way some days.  It was a great trip with everyone and it was hard to send the kids off to day care today, and will be even harder to get in the car and go to work tomorrow.  But, I'll be looking forward to the next adventure!

The year of me...

...that's what I decided this year was going to be - the year of me.  I'm not pregnant with no plans to be, I'm still nursing Cora, but not so much that I need it to be my sole focus, so it's time for me.  It's time for me to shine again.  It's been so long since I've focused on me, I forget how it goes sometimes, how hard it can be to get things done I want to get done, how easy it is to make excuses.  After all, right now I am typing this and drinking a glass of wine instead of working out today...another day off, but...you know, it's still the year of me.

So, what am I going to do with this year, or what have I done so far?  I found a great gym by my work with an awesome workout class that I have decided I will go to twice a week.  It's 30 minutes each day and my butt is kicked...so tired after each week, it's awesome.  I would love to try and do it 3 times a week, but it's too hard with my work.  So, I have been getting in other workouts at lunch or rather doing work.  I have been running again, well, or something that resembles running and have been loving it, I went a few times already this year, got in 3 miles as my top mileage and look forward to building on that and improving my running.  So, I'm ready to be fit again, fit like I was before even Liam.  I have a goal to be in the best shape of my life by 40, that gives me about 2 years to kick some more ass.  I am confident if I keep up my workouts twice a week and my runs, and toss some yoga in there, I'll be well on my way to getting in the best shape I can be in.

And I want more, I want to climb again, I love climbing, I love getting so strong with my climbing.  I want to get back to my pull ups and chin ups.  I can almost do a chin up again, which is great.  I have read that it should take you about 9 months to take off baby weight, the weight it took you 9 months to put on and while that's not happening for me, I'm using that weight to get stronger and I feel pretty great that I can almost do a chin up.  Just makes me think that the more I lose, the stronger I get, the more pull ups and chin ups I can.  And I love that feeling.  I think I mentioned to someone that it's not even baby weight, it's just a weight vest, for training....it's the best way to look at it.

I have a very love/hate relationship with the scale - I'd rather just throw it out, but I can't.  I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with it, but I kind of am.  But the one good thing, I know I am more than that number...I am more than if that number goes up or down on a given day based on my sodium or water intake, but it's still a good measure.  A better measure for me is my clothes.  I have more and more clothes that I want to wear that actually fit each day, I spend less time worrying about how I look, I have been focusing on how I feel.

I feel strong again, I see muscles, my muscles are sore after workouts and runs and yoga.  My knees hurt less and are stronger when I am walking around.  I can lift and move better.  I am getting there, always getting there.  And I will always be on a journey to better myself, physically, mentally and emotionally, but right now, I'm in a good place.

I'm enjoying the journey this time.  I'm remembering that 9 months ago I had a baby, Sean delivered a happy, healthy baby at home.  And for 9 months I fed her and nourished her.  At this point, so what if I'm not the weight I was before her, or all the clothes done fit, I kept her alive for 9 months, me, my body did that.  And maybe I needed a little extra weight to do that, or I need to eat more, or whatever that might me, I did it.  I am so proud of that, more proud that I ever thought I would be of that.

But now, now it's time to focus on me, focus on my journey to getting back to me.  It's hard to remember what it's like to not be pregnant, to not be worried about my milk supply, to find myself again and what I love to do.  And in looking for all of that, in doing all the things I love, my climbing, my snowboarding, working out, running...I find that all of that isn't even enough because, honestly, I am bored when my crazy, silly family isn't around.  I went out earlier, to run a few errands and it was so quiet, so boring.  Ha, I'm sure I will regret that in about 10 minutes when the kiddos get home.

But, to be honest, I think it was such a great thing, a great time for me to realize that on my search for my year of me, my family is a huge part of what makes me me.  And I wouldn't trade that for the world.  So, this year is about me finding me again, finding my fitness along the journey, enjoying and embracing the journey.  I plan to grow, get stronger and make myself the best me I can be...and enjoy so many adventures along the way, adventures that I can keep up with, adventures that I'm in charge of...and adventures that mean the world to me.

So, I am so excited for 2016, I plan to embrace what I have and love me for me right now...and love everything I have in front of me and enjoy all moments, even if all my clothes don't fit and I don't reach a certain number on the scale, I vow to enjoy the journey and moments along the way...cheers to the year of me, the year of my wonderful life and family that I have been blessed with - and I don't plan to let a minute go by of that without being grateful each and every day.

Looking back...

It's always good for me to sit and look back on things, whether it be a long weekend, a work event, or in this case, the whole year.  It's also a good way for me to get back into my blogging, it's been too long since I have visited here, shared my thoughts and memories for me to look back on.  So here I am, I know, you have been waiting and waiting for this, right? :)

It has been a wild year, to say the least.  I have so many ups and downs, I'm not even sure where to start.  I started the year pregnant with Cora, she was giving me a hard time, but I worked through it.  I even managed to get some snowboarding in when I was 7 months pregnant at our State Winter Games, which we had to cancel - which brought many tears...but instead of focusing on that, I think I'll look forward to this year and making sure our event makes up for it!  Then I was just working, working and working.  We had State Basketball, which had over 100 teams and was exhausting!  Being 8 months pregnant, running here and there took a tole, but I made it through.  During all of this, I was preparing for Summer Games, since I was going to have Cora a month or so before that.  There was very little downtime at work for me, since I wanted to be as prepared as possible for the Summer Games.  I knew I was going to be out for a while, but also knew I wanted to get back to work as soon as possible, rather to get things in order for the games.  I went through a lot of emotions when I realized it was possible that I was going to miss Summer Games due to Cora.  I couldn't miss Summer Games - I haven't missed a Summer Games in 15 years, I couldn't this year.  So, through some tears, pleading and proposals of my plan it worked out, I was able to work from home with Cora leading up to the games and had her with me most of the games.  It was great, it was hard, but it was worth it.

Then there was Cora, my sweet little baby girl...who came to us in the most amazing way possible.  I think back to it all, to the labor, to the times I told Sean I couldn't do it, to when he said it was time to go, to when all of a sudden, she was here.  The moment was amazing, it was everything I wanted and more.  Sean got to catch my wonderful baby girl and she has been amazing from day one.  She has nursed like a champ, she sleeps pretty well and while I still spend way too much time cuddling her, it is worth every minute of it.  Maybe I don't get my evening work out in, or maybe the laundry stays in the dryer a bit longer, but her snuggles and cuddles are worth each and every moment.  I am soaking them up, watching her sleeping and nurse and just being in love with everything about her.

And then there is Liam, that kid.  I love that kid so much.  He has such a mind of his own, his imagination is amazing and his spirit is beyond incredible.  I am so lucky to have this boy with such energy, and so much love for everything.  I mean, he is a 3 year old, so he has his moments, but when he is in a good mood, he is the sweetest.  I love the way he wants to help cheer up Cora, as a matter of fact, yesterday, he was pouting because she was still crying after he tried to make her feel better.  He wants to help to everything, I can do that, he says quite often...he wants to help daddy when daddy is working, he wants to help mommy when I'm cooking...his world is just a canvas for him  to learn and I hope we are teaching him well.

And I'm sure there are a million more things we did this year that remind me of how lucky I am to be where I am be with the people I'm with.  I took the kids back to Illinois for a fun trip, we had lots of visitors that help remind us of the paradise we live in.  We started some traditions like donuts from downtown Evergreen and a hike by the lake on a weekend morning when we are both home.  We are reminded that people don't to be related to be family.  We were lucky to have sold our house in IL, just recently, which was both relieving and sad all at the same time.

We finally camped this summer in our new camper and it was amazing.  I was reminded how much I love to camp...and the places we get to go and the stars we can see on each trip are such a reminder of what a beautiful place we live in.  We went on adventures as a family that I enjoy more than I thought.  The kids are loving being outside - if Liam is in the right mood, he will stay outside all day and night, with no complaints, except when it's time to come inside.

I was reminded of the strong person I am the person I want to keep being for me and for my kids.  I am finding the balance of being a mom, working, being a wife and still being the person I want to be. I have rediscovered my desire to do things, like snowboarding and climbing and even though I have kids, I can still be the person I was once...I will just need to adjust my expectations a bit.

It has been a beyond incredible year for me and for us as a family.  We are so blessed to have so many people to be thankful for in our lives.  We wake up in paradise every morning and while we have to work and live our lives each day, which is not always easy, we always get to come home to our mountain retreat, endless stars and a home we have created.

P.S.  These kiddos have become more than a big part of my life, they are my life...something no one really tells you about being a parent...oh, that, and they will drive you crazy any chance you get and make you laugh and smile harder than you ever have in your life.  I wouldn't trade them for the world and I look forward to seeing what the new year brings for all of us, especially them!

Three

It's the magic number, right...yes, yes it is.  Yesterday Liam turned three.  How is that possible?  How was he born just 3 years ago, I feel like so much has happened in that time, I can't even wrap my head around it.  I think back on the day he was born, his story, our first few months, our first year and so on.  And I am so proud of that little guy - he is turning into such a kid, such his own person, which is great!  Of course, he has his moments, many of them, but most kids do, right?  So today I will take a few minutes to remember what I love most about him right now.  There aren't words to really express how much I love him, how much my love has grown as he has grown, but here are just a few things that make me smile about him for now, would love to freeze these moments in time:

• I love the way he cuddles and plays with Cora, a little too hard at some point, but he will just come up and hug and kiss her in the sweetest way.  I also love the way he says "Sweetie, it's OK" when she is crying, similar to how I say it to her.
• He is a parrot - he repeats what we say, which can be quite funny - he got us all laughing this weekend when he repeated my mom saying "Oh gosh" and then continued to say it over and over as we laughed.
• He is ready to do things on his own, get out his cereal in the morning, get his boots on, so many things that he does each day to help me, makes me so happy to have the help and a little sad he isn't needing me in that way so much anymore.  
• During bath time, he thinks it's hilarious to sit in Cora's bathtub after she gets out.  I have no idea how he manages to get in and out, but he does and he giggles when he is in there in such a goofy silly way.
• He still stomps his little feet into our bedroom some nights and while some nights Sean takes him back to his room, some nights he climbs up and sneaks in without us knowing, it typically means that Cora wakes up when I move here and I have little to no room to sleep, but it's the most loving night of "rest" I can get.  He's getting so big I'm not sure how long he'll fit in bed with us, but I'll let it keep happening as long as he wants.  
• The faces he makes, the way he rolls his eyes at us (how does a 3 year old even know what that means), the smiles he gives when he knows he is asking for something he shouldn't have and they way he knows how to make me laugh when I need it the most.
• How he hugs and kisses me - I feel like hugs and kisses with kids are always changing, but right now, he runs to me, tries to tackle me and hugs me so big, I love it...even if I'm not expecting it and he tackles me.
• Reading books with him when he can fill in some of the words, hearing him learn new words and new sounds and just listening to him talk, sometimes I still have no idea what he is saying, but he is talking and he knows what he wants!

I'm sure I can go on and on and perhaps I'll add more later, but for now, I will be done with his 3 year post, maybe someday he'll want to read these, most likely I'll sit and cry and read these when he is a teenager, but whatever the case may be, I'm happy to capture these moments, just for a little bit longer.

This was my last picture of my 2 year old, the night before his 3rd birthday.