Distance and Distant, same difference

Well, I have been absent for a while, in a few ways.  I have been really busy, finishing a few work events, Thanksgiving, and just spending all my time trying not to be too much of a burden on my family and our extended stay.  I also just wanted to be unplugged for a while, I think I wanted to sit and figure a few things out on my own, not sure what or why...but I just wanted some time away from a computer.

But now I also remember why I started this blog, to get my thoughts out, not for anyone in particular, but for me to not keep my thought bottled up, especially since my best friend isn't here.  And while I know I have people to talk to, I don't have that person, the one that understands me without me having to say anything, the one that loves me no matter what I say, the one that cares about me and what I think, even when I am being a bit crazy.  So, that's why I started the blog.  So I can get my thoughts out and for some reason I haven't wanted to.

I haven't wanted to admit how hard it is to  be away from Sean, how hard it is for me to not have Liam's dad around to make him laugh, to change his diaper and to entertain him.  I don't want to admit that each time I talk to Sean, I just want to cry because I miss him so much.  I have been busy, so that has at least been good.  But at night, when I lay down with Liam (and yes, he still sleeps with me, and I don't think I could have it any other way right now) and kiss him good night, an extra kiss from Daddy, I cuddle close to him and I wish it was Sean.  I love my baby, I do, I love him more than I ever knew possible.  But he isn't Sean.  He isn't my husband, he isn't the one who can just hold me close and make it all better.  But at least I have him, and Burton.

I forget that Sean is alone and while he has freedom to do whatever he wants to do, but he is missing is us just as much as we are missing him.  Maybe even more.  And while I'm in the midst of crazy Liam getting into everything, I forget that I have to be grateful for that.  Instead of being upset with him, and chasing him and all that, I want to remember to watch him and enjoy him because Sean doesn't get to do that.

So, here I sit, typing away, my thoughts are starting to come back to me, and I want to remember to keep exploring and sharing how I feel.  Because right now, Sean can't always listen to me right now (crappy phone service and internet don't help) and I just have to remember I am still not alone.  He is there, Liam and Burton are here, to be honest and totally cheesy, Sean is always in my heart and I'm in his.