My birthday

Yes, today was my 36th birthday, eek...that makes me sound old, really old.  Oh well, I don't feel that old.  I feel pretty great.  It was a pretty great day.  I got to cuddle my little Liam this morning, fed him and giggled with him in bed before I headed to work.  I came out to the kitchen to find a present from Liam, Sean and my parents.  I had breakfast with some great people, finished plenty of work and it was time to head home.  Then off to a yummy sushi dinner with my parents and Liam.  And I finished off the evening with an amazing group of women at my LLL meeting.  Phew, it was a busy day, but it was a great day.  I almost forgot that Sean wasn't here.  Almost.  I also kept remembering that in only 2 days I will see him.  So, it was a great birthday, but there is so much more great to come over the next few days.

Sean will be here, Liam will 1, family time, friend time, not enough time before I leave, but plenty of time as well.  Tomorrow I will see many work people for the last time.  It will be hard to say good bye to many of them, but I do hope I will keep in touch.  I also know that I am better at what I do and who I am because of most of them.  Ah, so many good byes to come, so many tears to flow, and so much to look forward to.  It's time to lay my mind to rest today and hoping that I will be able to sleep...because then tomorrow, it will only be 1 more day until I see Sean.  And then this blog will be about our move and our new life - not just how much I miss Sean!

8 days

Yes, this time next week, I will be waiting just one more day to see Sean.  But for now, it is 8 more days.  8 more days of no good night kisses, of talking to Sean on the phone, of video chatting.  8 more days of me and Liam, with my parents help.  8 more days to see as many people as I can before I leave.  8 more days until Sean gets here and we can celebrate our holidays and then we leave.

And then we leave.  I have been so busy missing Sean that I haven't even really thought about the fact that in about 2 weeks, we are moving to Colorado for good.  It will be hard, Sean will still be working tons, I will be taking care of Liam on my own.  But at least I will get good night kisses.  And some days, Sean will be off and I will get to see him.  We will be able to explore, take Burton and Liam on a hike, a snowy hike, or an ice skating trip, or just a drive to see the pretty mountains and scenery.  Or maybe even take a trip to go snowboarding.  Ugh, but those days when he isn't off are going to be ROUGH.  I will count the days again until that ends.  So, now I think it is I need a change of thinking.  I'm tired of counting down to be done with things.  I feel like I am looking at the glass being half empty.  And that's not who I am.  I am a half full person.  The last few weeks have taken a toll on me, beat me down a bit, turned me around.  It's time to take my own time to turn myself around.  How do I do that?  How do I find time for myself to make my glass half full?  I have little to no time to myself, ever.  I have done better and getting in my workouts, and that helps.  Maybe I need more of that.  Maybe I need to get my yoga going again.  Maybe the evenings need to be more about the things I can do in the other room instead of sitting here and doing nothing.  I need to take time to clear my head, to make sure that I have my glass half full.

I think part of the problem is that I am running on empty.  I am tired, I am burned out and I need a break.  Gosh, I have no idea how single parents do it.  I need a pick me up.  I need something to recharge me.  I don't know what I need.  Maybe I just need a mountain view.  Maybe I need a reminder of why we are going through all of this.  Maybe I just need to be with Sean.  I need our family to be together, I need a good night kiss.  And I need to change my thinking, I need to get that glass half full again.  And the journey continues....

It's hard for a reason

I have to keep telling myself that.  If I didn't care about Sean so much and love him so much, it wouldn't be so hard to be away from him.  If I didn't rely on him so much to help with Liam, it wouldn't be so hard to do it alone, in a sense.  So, it's hard for a reason, for all the right reasons.

I found the right person for me, the person who lifts me up when I am down, or laughs with me when I need it most.  The person who reminds me that my reason to not breakdown again is him, he needs me to be strong, for him, for me and for Liam.  The person who, just thinking about seeing him makes me smile and cry at the same time.  I can't wait to see him, to hug him, to hold him close and just to be with him.  I am counting the days and soon, it will be the hours and minutes until his plane lands.

But for now, I will go back to being as strong as I can.  I will try to let the stress roll off me, I will try to handle as much as I can.  I will also remember that sometimes a little release of emotion isn't as bad as bottling everything up and letting myself explode.  It's time for me to wait, just a few more days, to see the man of my dreams, my soul mate, my love, the father of my little monster.  And to be with him again - for forever. Yep, smiling and crying at the same time again!

Stronger

This morning on my way to work the saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  And while I agree with that, there is more to it than just being made stronger.  You have to want to fight to get stronger.  I'll admit, the past few days have been REALLY hard without Sean.  I have just felt something inside of me want to give up, just wanted to quit and sit in a corner and cry until I got to see Sean again.  Then today, or yesterday, something clicked with me.  I let go of the wanting to cry in a corner and decided that I have 2 more weeks to step up and take care of me and my Liam until I am back with my husband again.  Maybe it's my cozy cuddle duds, or maybe my new outfit, maybe it is because I will see Sean in less than 2 weeks, or maybe just maybe the saying was right.  I wasn't dead.  I was stronger.

I was done being crabby and annoyed about things, I'm done being worried about things I can't control anymore.  It has been hard, really hard for me to let go of work.  I want everything to stay how it was, because I felt like I did a good job.  And I know I felt that way when I left Chicago, but then I had another job to worry about, so I could only worry about it so much.  But for now, it is what it is.  I can only do so much to dictate how things go next year, and then I can just step away and wish everyone the best.  I always joked that I could do my job in Colorado, but now, now I have a new job to do out there!  And well, maybe that has provided me some relief as well.  I have a job, and not just any job, perhaps my dream job with Special Olympics in my dream state!  Woo hoo!  Yes, and I can finally say something about it.  I can scream it to the mountains, ha, that will take on a whole new meaning soon!

So yeah, life has been dragging me down, sucking my energy and just overall kicking my butt.  And I'm done with it, I'm ready to kick back.  I was down, but I am certainly not out.  And I know Sean will be happier to hear this than anyone.  

New life

People keep asking me if I'm excited about our move, how things are going and blah, blah, blah.  It's hard for me to answer that.  I don't know how I feel, I don't know how to feel because except for the fact that I live with my parents, my life isn't any different.  I don't have a new life yet.  I don't have a new job to meet people at, I don't wake up to the mountain sun rise.  I don't watch the weather and wonder if I will make it up the driveway when I get home.  I don't get to go out hiking on a weekend.  I don't get to go to the local bar to meet people.

So, I guess I'm a bit jealous, a bit jealous Sean has all this time out there, that he gets to start his new life without us.  I know he misses us, but I also know that he can't get what I am going through.  I do appreciate that I can be here and spend some more time with people here, but I also talk to him and long to be with him, to be on this new adventure together.  It's hard, to hear him meet new people, have dinner with this couple or that couple, meeting these people for drinks and all of that.  I am happy, so happy he has things to do, so happy that his new life is going well.  But it is just hard, hard to be away from him and hard to be stuck here in this life when I know there is so much more out there - so much more that Sean gets to experience and be a part of - and me, I am just stuck here.

I know I should appreciate what I do have, and I do.  I just wish I had more feelings of excitement about it all, more to talk about because I've been there and have lived the new life.  I guess I just let it be what it is...and be happy that Sean is keeping busy and be excited to hear about his new life - and look forward to sharing that with him soon.

17 days

The countdown has begun, I know, kind of lame, but I miss my husband, is that so lame?  In 17 days I will see Sean again, and Liam will see his daddy and we have decided that pretty much no matter what, we will NEVER go this long without seeing each other.  At least that is what I decided.

And today was a better day, I went to work, got to work out, I always forget how good that makes me feel, I ate well, I got to play with my little guy and right now, he is sleeping.  The only thing that will make the night better, if he keeps sleeping.

And I remembered to relax, and that when he cries, that is really the only way he knows how to express that something is wrong.  And I also realized that even though I know that, his screams that I can't fix just break my heart.  I am thinking that is just another part of being a mom - along with the fact that I can do everything in my power to keep my little man safe, but sometimes, life has a way of changing plans.  There is only so much I can control and maybe that is part of me still learning to let go - let him be the kid he wants to be, I'm sure I'll run into this issue as he grows up as well.  For now, I can just love him the most I can, comfort him the best way I know how and be there.  I can always do those things for him.

And in 17 days his daddy can help and do all those things with him.  I wonder how many more times I will cry before I see him.

Distance and Distant, same difference

Well, I have been absent for a while, in a few ways.  I have been really busy, finishing a few work events, Thanksgiving, and just spending all my time trying not to be too much of a burden on my family and our extended stay.  I also just wanted to be unplugged for a while, I think I wanted to sit and figure a few things out on my own, not sure what or why...but I just wanted some time away from a computer.

But now I also remember why I started this blog, to get my thoughts out, not for anyone in particular, but for me to not keep my thought bottled up, especially since my best friend isn't here.  And while I know I have people to talk to, I don't have that person, the one that understands me without me having to say anything, the one that loves me no matter what I say, the one that cares about me and what I think, even when I am being a bit crazy.  So, that's why I started the blog.  So I can get my thoughts out and for some reason I haven't wanted to.

I haven't wanted to admit how hard it is to  be away from Sean, how hard it is for me to not have Liam's dad around to make him laugh, to change his diaper and to entertain him.  I don't want to admit that each time I talk to Sean, I just want to cry because I miss him so much.  I have been busy, so that has at least been good.  But at night, when I lay down with Liam (and yes, he still sleeps with me, and I don't think I could have it any other way right now) and kiss him good night, an extra kiss from Daddy, I cuddle close to him and I wish it was Sean.  I love my baby, I do, I love him more than I ever knew possible.  But he isn't Sean.  He isn't my husband, he isn't the one who can just hold me close and make it all better.  But at least I have him, and Burton.

I forget that Sean is alone and while he has freedom to do whatever he wants to do, but he is missing is us just as much as we are missing him.  Maybe even more.  And while I'm in the midst of crazy Liam getting into everything, I forget that I have to be grateful for that.  Instead of being upset with him, and chasing him and all that, I want to remember to watch him and enjoy him because Sean doesn't get to do that.

So, here I sit, typing away, my thoughts are starting to come back to me, and I want to remember to keep exploring and sharing how I feel.  Because right now, Sean can't always listen to me right now (crappy phone service and internet don't help) and I just have to remember I am still not alone.  He is there, Liam and Burton are here, to be honest and totally cheesy, Sean is always in my heart and I'm in his.