Lists

I'm a list maker - something I make lists about the lists I need to make.  So, when Sean told me got offered the job, I started a million lists in my head...things we have to do, things we have to sell, pros, cons, etc.  And then I stopped and tried to see what I actually felt about moving.  Honestly, I am scared, so scared and excited, so excited.  I get caught up in my head about the things we will do while we are there, forgetting the things we have to do before we leave.  I think about if we will rent or buy, or when I will go out and join Sean, when I really need to focus on getting myself a job and selling our house.  And just when I start to think about the reality of it all, my mind wanders yet again...

What do we think we are doing?  We are going to pick up our lives, with a 9 month old baby and dog and move across the country, hours and miles away from our support systems that we have in place.  Hours and miles away from the only people I have left Liam with (yes, I know, I need to work on that one!).  Hours and miles from anything and everything familiar to us.  And for what?  This is the hard part to explain, so here is my best attempt.

I feel at a peace in Colorado that I really don't feel here.  I am sure I can find it other places, but the nature to be had in Colorado is not around here.  I feel something in my being calmer when I am there.  I feel happier.  And yes, I get it, everytime I am there, I am on vacation, so everyone feels happier on vacation.  But with me, I feel something different, something I want Liam to know and have.  See, the mountains put me in my place.  They remind me of just how small and insignificant me and my problems are, they humble me and teach me to respect what they have to offer.  Just the sight of them takes my breath away and  planning a journey to hike or climb is a whole different situation.  You can feel so accomplished after a great hike or so defeated after the mountain reminds you who is boss.  In my mind, there is nothing like that feeling, both of those feelings.  I have learned so much about myself in the short time I have spent in the mountains, that I only feel being closer to them will complete me in some way.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my life I have here.  I love my family, my friends, our house.  I just don't love that it is so hard to find something to do.  And such, it will be hard to get out and do all the things we want to with Liam.  And if this all falls through and we never move, I will be happy and content here, I will not regret not going, as long as I have Sean and Liam by my side, I will be happy wherever.

So, the question comes up - are these the right signs?  Is Sean getting offered this job enough of a sign to make us go?  My job didn't come through, our house isn't sold (granted we have just started to try to sell it), Sean's back is acting up, are those signs not to go?  When, in life do you stop looking at signs and start believing that you can make it happen, no matter what the signs say?  Looks like the start to another list!  For now, we are moving, we don't know when, we don't know how, we don't know much about it, but we are going...and my fingers are crossed we are making the right decision.  And a little more soul searching will remind me that I know the right decision, and Sean, Liam and I will figure it out and live happily ever after, no matter where!