1 down...

...and one to go, well sort of one to go.  I guess it's more like 2 to go, but...I guess I mean I completed my first state event of the year, granted, it was abbreviated, which just made more work, but it was done, while pregnant and taking care of the kid, with some amazing help from Sean.  Winter Games 2015 is in the books, not a great event, had to tell most of the people they couldn't come due to weather, but that didn't mean it didn't take just as much work if not more as if everyone was there.  I worked my butt off the weeks leading up to the games to get everyone all the information they needed, coaches, volunteers, venue, other staff and so on.  While it wasn't easy last year, I think I demanded and expected from myself as well as others knew to expect more from me.  I have worked with many of them numerous times over the year and shown what I can do at events.  It was all good things, but again, much more work.  But in the end, it was well worth it, mostly.

We had some huge storm hit Denver and the weather and driving conditions were not good.  So, we had to cancel, mostly.  We let people that were at Copper already compete, but we told those not there to stay home.  This decision was tough, I have had to cancel events before, due to weather, even due to driving conditions, but this was the hardest event I had to ever cancel.  To stand before the members of the committee that helped plan the event, that worked so hard to make the event happen and tell them how much we appreciate what they have done and the show will go on, for 30 athletes, was one of the hardest things I have had to do.  I think when I have canceled in the past, it's been just my work that went out the window and not the work of others.  And it's Winter Games, I LOVE winter games.  Yes, it could be because I get to wear snow pants all weekend, and a hat and pig tails, but I also just love the events.  And I love what this committee does.  This isn't some half-assed race, this race is run like a professional race and the athletes are treated like world class athletes.  The professionalism is amazing!  More than amazing - which is why it was so hard to tell these folks the games won't quite be the same.

And people understood, many people said how it sucked, but it was the right call, a tough call, but the right one.  We used all the information we had and mostly worked together to come up with the best solution we could.  We fought about it and talked about it way too long about weather, road conditions, what we should and shouldn't do.  We finally made our decision and while not everyone agreed with it, most people were civil about it.  Of course, there were a few that were very upset and took it out on me, sharing that I do nothing for the games, etc.  I think I agreed with most things this upset person was sharing, except the fact that I do nothing for the games.  Perhaps I should have shared the hours over the past few weeks I put in and was away from my kid, my sick kid who just wanted his mommy.  Perhaps I could have told her the work I brought home for a few weeks to ensure that things would be done in a timely manner...perhaps I could have just told her to screw off, but instead I just sat there, tried to listen to her, smile and be as understanding as I could.  I get it, it sucked, a lot - to put in all that work for nothing, well, sort of nothing, but regardless, there was a better way to handle it.  I learned a lot from just this one talk, about how to handle my committees, irate people and that sometimes you can't make everyone happy.

In the end, it was a tough weekend, with many schedule changes that made my weekend far more difficult than had everyone shown up.  But it was also still an amazing weekend.  I got into the ballroom just as our awards were starting and to be honest, I watched with mixed emotions.  I was thrilled, to watch our sit skier with his arms raised in the air and his smile huge across his face as he got his second gold medal.  Somehow, no matter what, awards ceremonies always make me emotional - and I'll blame this baby for making me more emotional.  I watched and smile as a group of 4 athletes, all from the same group celebrated, from the gold medal to the 4th place ribbon, arm in arm, posing, flexing and showing off for the cameras.  I also felt torn apart inside, thinking how many athletes won't get to experience that moment on this given weekend.

So, in the end, it was a weekend that was completely not like I had hoped or expected.  It was ups and downs and laughs and tears, but it was done.  I felt good to have done all the work I did, especially in my condition and people like to call it, being 31 weeks pregnant, still getting along, getting out and riding and enjoying my time on the slopes, and even being helpful.  So, that's one down, I have State Basketball coming up in a few weeks, that one will be a little more challenging in some ways and easier in other ways.  I'll be way more pregnant, but there are less people to please and it's a little less time intensive to plan.  It'll still be hard, especially as I try to plan Summer Games in the middle of all it.  But I will do it, I will get help when I need to and give myself a break when I need it.  But I will also remember that the more I do, the better I feel.  And soon enough, it'll be a lot more work to have a newborn then have a giant belly!  But I look forward to the challenge - and everyday today gets me more ready, but that's another topic for another day!

It's tough...

...being a working mom and trying to tackle it all.  I am not judging moms that don't work, I am not saying that is easy, I have no room to say anything about that, I am not that person.  But it is tough...trying to juggle my job, my career, huge events that mean more to me than I could even put into words and my little man - when he is sick - and when my husband is out saving lives - and when I have hours of work to do and not enough time.  Well, perhaps I shouldn't be writing, and I am done for the night, time for yoga and bed, but had to get a few things off my mind first.

It's hard, my kid is sick and all I want to do is cuddle him and love him and do whatever I can to make him get better.  But I also have one of 6 huge events that are my job, my career, my calling, my passion just around the corner - on Sunday as a matter of fact.  So, how do I choose?  How do I decide how he feels, should I send him to day care?  It won't be possible for me to take him to work another day, I got enough done today, but I have SO much more to do, packing, printing, stuffing packets, checking things off my list, and so on.  I can't do it with my little man there.  So, then what?  Then I feel guilty for taking him to day care when he is sick, or then I wait until Sean gets home, not allowing Sean to sleep after he just worked over 24 hours.  My hope above all hopes tonight is that he wakes up feeling better.  His fever seems to be gone, his cough is lessening, but still, I thought that was the case today and he hit a point of being miserable.  He cuddled up with me like he hasn't done in so long, he needs mommy when he is sick and it pains me to not be able to be there.  Yesterday I worked from home and he needed me, thankfully, I could snuggle him on the couch while I was doing computer things, but still, he needed me in a way I couldn't be there.  How do you deal with that?  How and when does that become okay that you just can't be there?  Does every parent feel that at some point?  Or do I need to figure out my priorities?

I have another little one coming along and man, how will this work with 2?  I know it's doable, people do it, but crap, it is scary to think about when I struggle sometimes with just one.  Like this week, what would I have done with 2 kiddos?  How could I have made that work?  And yes, most likely one would have gone to day care, but what if that couldn't happen?

So, it's tough, I love, love, love what I do and couldn't imagine my life without it.  And I love, love, love my family, I know it's all about balance, but some nights, it mostly just feels like whatever I choose, I end up with the short end, a sick kid, work not done, a long couple of nights ahead of me at the office, missing bedtimes and snuggles and just being too busy to stop and play.  I'll make up for it, I know I will and I think I am doing a pretty good job of trying to figure it all out - with the extra work demands and being pregnant, so maybe that's a good sign, that I'll be able to handle it all.  Ha, that's funny - I'll just handle all of it and I know on some days, I will.  I will be supermom, awesome employee and amazing wife.  And I know other days I'll fail at at least one of those, if not all of those.
But I guess the key is to get up and keep going, right?  To keep pushing on, to keep striving to offer the best of me to everyone.  And when the time comes for a break, to be sure I take it, whatever it may be, even if it's just a cry and a silly blog entry.

But man, it's tough...it's been a tough day, I've had some great help that I wasn't expecting, which makes me happy and feeling very lucky.  It's been a day of crying, good crying, feeling overwhelmed, but like I have things under control all at the same time.  I blame the baby for that one.  I called Sean earlier and just wanted to cry, no real reason, just needed to cry.  And now as I type, I feel good, mostly, I feel like I have things under control, I feel like no matter what tomorrow holds, I can tackle it and handle it.  I will focus on that, I will let go of the tough day, I will move forward with good thoughts and know that I can handle it - I can do it.  And in the end, I'm a good mom, wife and employee, even if some days it feels like I'm not.

This was my little guy with me at work today, broke my heart how tired and sick he was.  Made my heart skip a few beats when he cuddled up in his sling and napped with me.  I love this kid so much, I hope my best is good enough for him.