The end...or another beginning

This is a post that has nothing to do with adventures, or our move, but rather with Liam.  See, for the past 2 years, I have been connected to Liam in some way, because I was carrying him, because I was nursing him, because I was pumping for him, but something.  And that all changed this weekend.  Well, it had been changing for a while, but this weekend was the end of it.  This weekend Liam decided he no longer needed mommy milk.  He had been only nursing in the morning, but this weekend, he wasn't even interested in that.  So, I'm thinking that means he is done.  And while I am thrilled he is growing and moving on, I'm a bit sad about it.  Like I said, it has been about 2 years since we found out we were having Liam - actually, 2 years ago to the day, and since that time, my focus has been on Liam, on what to do best for him, while carrying him, while nursing him, just while being with him.  And now, now he no longer needs me in that way, to provide for him, to take care of his nutritional needs through being in my tummy or through my nursing.  And that is hard...I'm glad it has been a slow process, but I can't help but second guess myself, should I do more to keep the relationship going.

 And to be honest, I hate to say it, but I don't think I had anymore in me and I'm all right with that.  We worked hard, very hard to any point where he would nurse, then with a shield, then we got rid of that, and we were making it work so well.  We would be on a hike and he would be hungry so I would feed him.  I will certainly miss that, you know, open 24 hours, all you can eat, easy - now we have to make sure we pack enough milk, food and all of that.  But I guess that is how it goes.  I can no longer be upset about it.  I can't stress about it or cry about.  I have to look back and be proud of what we accomplished, he was on a nursing strike for about 3 months, maybe more.  I was attached to a pump at all times, I never got the bonding with him, just the crying, from both of us.  When we got a point where it was good, it was so good and so worth all the struggles.  And now, now it's just supposed to be over.  I think I'm all right with it, I can focus more on me, but it's hard, I haven't done that in so long...but I'll get there, I'll remember how.

I also worry now that I don't have my breastfeeding relationship with Liam, what will I have?  Will he still love me the same, getting milk from a cup and not from me?  I know that is silly and I know he will.  But well, I can't help the thougths creep in.  It's a process, I have to let go of that bond we had, know we had it and will always have that connection, but now it's time to find the next thing.  It's similar to when I had him, I was so used to carrying him inside of me, it was a shift of how to look at things and how to deal with the changes.  I have to admit that I didn't always deal the best, but I think this time I will treasure the moments I have with him.  I will lay with him and laugh with him...and even if he won't be nursing, we will still lay together at night, even if his milk is coming from a cup, we will read books and giggle and laugh when he is supposed to be sleeping.  And we'll find our new way to be close - he did recently discover that blowing raspberries on mommy's tummy is hilarious!  And Liam got 15 months of mommy milk, with a little help here and there, and that has given him so many of the benefits I wanted for him.  He may not ever remember that I fed him, that we worked so hard, that we cried so much, that we fought so hard to succeed, he will not remember any of that, but I will and I will always hold him close and treasure the moments I have, not the ones I'm missing out on - that's something that I wish didn't take 2 years for me to figure out!

Comfortable

Comfort - it is such a simple thing, but at the same time, can be so complicated.  It's been a LONG while since I have felt comfortable in my own skin, confident in who I am and who I am becoming.  I am excited that this week, I have been feeling that comfort.  I have come to accept who I am and where I am.  I know the journey to get to where I want to be won't be easy, but at the same time, I want to take that journey.  I want to feel good, and not really just look good in my clothes, although that helps, I want to feel good in my skin.  I want to go to bed every night and know that I had the best day I could and enjoyed as much time with those that I care about, mostly Sean and Liam at this point.

I discovered over the past few months that being a working mom is hard.  I have nothing to compare it to and I imagine being a stay at home mom is just as hard.  I read a great article about it once, about the challenges each has, but for me, I have the experience of being a work mom and gosh, it is hard.  I wake up my little guy in the morning and have been feeding him (although today he was not in the mood to eat, which is hard, it means he is done nursing , but that's another topic for another day).  I get him dressed and get him some breakfast as I get myself ready to go out the door.  We drive to the sitter, which has been fun lately, he has been singing to me.  I drop him off in the morning, kiss him, and tell him I love him.  I rush off to work and get as much done as I can so I don't have to take anything home with me.  Then I  get Liam and hope he had a great day, chat for a few minutes about this and that and head home.  He babbles on the way home, tries to sing and dances at times.  It's time for dinner and I try and figure out what he will eat and hope I decide to make something for me besides a quesadilla.  We have dinner, maybe play for a few minutes, depending on traffic, then it's time for bath and bed.  Liam loves his bath time and I love sharing it with him.  He also loves story time and play time, when it is supposed to bed time.  But tell me this, how do I tell him to go to sleep when I laugh and smile at every move he makes.  When he finally goes to bed, it's time to get things ready for him for the next day.  And we get up and do it all over again.  And he has fun at the places he is at, so it isn't terrible to drop him off, it is just hard some days, especially when I haven't seen him.  And I wish I had more time with him, or more energy to do the millions of things I should do when I get home, I mean, I've been planning to make kale chips for about a week now...the kale is going to go bad if I don't get into gear.  So, tonight, kale chips and sweet potatoes for my little guy...no excuses.  Except the couch will look so inviting!    

But that has nothing to do with why I started writing today, it was about being comfortable in my own skin, with the body I have, the imperfections, the strength, the power.  And those last 2 have really been coming back to me. I have worked out the last 2 weeks, pretty regularly, which has been great.  It have given me a peace of mind, it has calmed me down.  I ran 3 miles the other day and was so happy.  I laugh at how I barely considered that a work out in my marathon days, but well, it was something.  It was the most I ran in months, perhaps even a few years and it actually felt great.  I was so happy, I was slow, but I didn't care.  I was running and I was feeling more comfortable with myself.  And that's all I'm looking to do, eating right, working out, feeling good and being confident.  I have been in a rut where I look at the ground when I'm walking around and I'm no longer all right with that.  It's time to hold my head up and be proud of who I am.  Sure, I might not fit in everywhere, ha, or anywhere, but at the end of the day, I want to stay true to myself.  I don't want to change myself in order to make others think different of me, I have to remember that I am great just the way I am, even in the kale in the fridge goes bad, even if I want to eat that kit-kat, even if my house is a little messy because I chose to play with Liam instead.  That's who I am and it feels so great to be comfortable with who I am, maybe not 100%, but I'm getting there!

Another great day in the mountains

It was a busy weekend, we spent Saturday looking at some houses (another topic for another day) and then of course, Sean had to go into work on Sunday morning.  I know this is his schedule, but I am still working on adjusting to it.  Since I have been so busy as well, I feel like we have had such little time to spend together and see each other.  But so it goes, we will figure it out.  His work will slow down and get more of a set schedule and I will pretend my life will slow down a little as well.  Ha!  

But Sunday, Sunday was a day for me and Liam.  See, I had a hard day with him on Saturday, we took away his pacifier and he was just not in the best of moods.  He got a good nap in while we were looking at houses, but it still was a rough afternoon.  But so it goes, it happens.  I was excited to wake up on Sunday and have a new day with him, a sunny day!  We started by heading to Costco, which is quite an adventure in itself.  Then it was time for our hike.  I love when I call it our hike, Liam dosen't have much say it in the matter, nor does he hike, but he'll learn!  As always, it was a bit of a challenge to get out of the house in one piece, which everything, but I think I did it.  I think I'm getting better at it, so that is a good feeling.  We loaded up and I still wasn't sure where to go, should we dog park it, or do the closer hike and take the risk that Burton will be off leash.  I did let Liam decide that.  It was going to be up to him, if he feel asleep, we would go far, if not, we would go close.  He stayed awake, so we went to Meyer Ranch Park again.  And this time, I was determined to make the whole ascent.  Liam fell asleep pretty quick into things so I spent a good portion of the beginning of the hike making sure he was still breathing and shaking him around to get him comfortable in the back pack.  Once he got settled to my liking, there was nothing left to do but hike.  Burton frolicked in the snow and I just pushed along.  My best guess indicated I ascended 900 feet or so in about 2 miles.  It was so interesting to me how much MORE snow there was as I got higher.  And yes, I understand why, just didn't think I was climbing that high.  I stopped a few times to take some pictures and of me and my hiker, however, he was sleeping still and you can barely see him - I swear here is there though!  

Stopping to take a few pictures, didn't get Liam or the view, but well, I'm happy!  

From the spot I stopped at, I could really see how far I went.  The road and stores were so tiny.  I love the feeling of being so small in something so big, which is the main reason I love the mountains as much as I do.  The remind me that all the stupid things that I think matter, doesn't.  It doesn't matter how hard it was to get out of the house, or the mess that was still at home when I left to get in this great hike.  It just matters that you feel something, anything out there.  And I feel so at peace and calm.  Even though I was working my butt off, it felt great.  There is a certain sense of nothingness that overtakes me.  The only thing that matters was one step in front of the other and that I kept going.  There was no stopping, no quitting, no negative thoughts.  It was just me, Liam and Burton forging ahead, not worrying about how fast we were going, just making sure we made it back to the car.  It's funny because I really don't think something terrible is going to happen to me out while hiking some regular trail.  Then I remember that my regular trails around here, are a little bit more of big deal than they were in Illinois.  

At some point, I was thinking and wondering what I would do if I fell and broke my leg, how would I get Liam down.  I'm not sure I came up with an answer, but I was able to successfully walk off a pretty good ankle twist with still about a mile and a half to go.  And woke up today with minimal pain, woo hoo!  We continued our descent (cracks me up when I use terms like this to talk about our hike, makes me think we are trying to summit Everest or something) and Liam finally woke up.  He cried a bit, but as soon as he changed his attention to watch Burton, he was all good.  The weather got warmer and the snow turned to mud.  We made it all the way back down, Burton back on leash at this point and hung out at the car for a while.  It was a great hike and of course we missed daddy, but it always feels so good to accomplish things, no matter how or when.  A new hike, about 4 miles and some sore muscles!  Can't beat that! 

Liam loves to be outside and wanted to explore much more than I was willing to let him, after all, we were in the parking lot.  I think next time, we will stop at some point on the hike and let him play.

Catching up

That is been the major focus of this week - catching up....on everything.  Laundry, chores, shopping, adventures, the list goes on, but those are the main ones.  It has been a VERY busy few weeks.  I am thinking that since my last post, I have successful hosted 2 state tournaments in Colorado.  I had a great visit from my parents where we took them on many adventures, including the dog park in Evergreen and a day at Copper Mountain.  We had a few snowstorms, Liam started walking and I'm sure there are many more things I am forgetting about, which stinks.  I was enjoying this blog as a chance to really share my thoughts and feelings, but it has turned more so into me recording things so I don't forget them.  But I got busy, work was killing me, getting here early and taking work home.  But now, now I have a few minutes to breath and figure things out.

And here I am, back on track, with writing about my life, my adventures, my story.  I'm sure everyone has been dying to see this!  Anyways, it has been a month since my last post and I can go back and relive it all, but for now, I think I will just share some highlights.  Liam started to walk, run and climb everything in sight.  The mom in me makes me want to tell him to stop because he is going to hurt himself, but the climber in me is so excited to watch him on the fire place and watch him try to figure out how to get higher.  Now, he has not gotten off the ground, but with Sean hanging cams and biners from the fireplace doesn't help.  Then I think how exciting it will be when Liam really wants to climb.  Liam also has decided he no longer wants to nurse at night, which takes us down to once a day, if even that.  I'm not going to get into that in this blog, I'm sure over the next few days I will have plenty more to say on that.  My little guy is growing up...he still sleeps with us, which I will treasure every minute of!

My parents visit was too short and so much fun.  We took a trip to the dog park in Evergreen, as I said.  My dad just hung out while my mom and I went out on the loop.  We had to stop and rest a few times, but overall, it was a great day.  The sky was blue, the sun was shining and Liam and Burton had a blast.  We also spent a day in Denver, well, actually at REI and the park around it.  We got to see someone kayak and paddle board.  Liam wanted to go in the river, but we opted to not let him do that.  Well, actually, Sean was discouraging it, I was all for it.  And then I remembered that I have fallen in my fair share of oceans as a kid, so I listened to everyone else.  We found a Jack in the Box for a taco snack and headed home that day.  We spent another day at Copper Mountain.  It was amazing and should have been a blog in itself, but again, I've fallen behind.  Sean and I got to ride all day, while Dot, Papa and Liam hung out in the sunshine - perhaps Papa got a bit too much.  Sean took me to the back bowls, in which I took the lame way down.  I tried to ride to the top on a t-bar, but failed, I also had a good wipe out in which I was grateful for wearing my helmet.  But, I am still better than I was last time I went, which feels so good, to keep getting better, faster and less afraid.  Hopefully we will get in one or 2 more times before the season wraps up, but we will see!

I am also excited about the fact that I am working out again, almost in a consistent manner.  I went running today, the 2nd time in a few weeks.  And we joined a gym, which I'm not a huge fan of, but it will help me in my goal to get stronger.  I am hoping to run at least twice a week, even if it's only a couple of miles, and even if I'm slower than the turtle that passed me today, it's still something.  I struggled with some demons at the gym the other day, I wasn't as fit as her or her, or the old me.  I wasn't looking as good as I wanted to and I was just frustrated by that.  And then I had my run today...and man, I am so happy to love running again.  I felt like my head was clear and all I was thinking about was running, not how fast, or how far, or was I the slowest, I was thinking about how I was out there - doing it.  And then I realized something...it's such a waste of time to compare yourself to other people.  I can't even compare myself to me.  I am such a different person than I ever was, I'm a mom now and an adventurer and so many other things that define me.  And I love being the person I am - and I love working on being the person I hope to be one day.  And at the end of the day, I'm going to be happy with me, because, really, life is just too short not to be.