I think I just realized that as much as I love long weekends, that makes for short weeks and I love those even more! Tomorrow is Friday already, I am loving it. It has been a long-ish week with Sean working quite a bit and me having meetings in the evening. It's hard, to be a working mom, sometimes. Although I agree that it has to be hard to be a stay at home mom as well. I guess it just hard sometimes to be a mom, to balance everything. I want to keep being able to be there for everything for my little guy. Sounds like he has a little bit of an upset tummy, and being away from him makes that hard. I know he likes mommy cuddles and nursing when he isn't feeling well, but I am not there. And while it is hard, I have accepted it and it is just how things are for now. I am so glad I am no longer beating myself up for not being there for every moment with him. Instead, I decided to make the moments I have with him matter.
I almost look forward to his night time wake ups so I can nurse him, in peace and quiet. It's such a relaxing time. I remember when it was such a stressful time, trying to feed him, keep him quiet and calm, or handing him over to Sean while I hooked myself up to the pump again. But now, now I wake up, no longer upset because I am awake, but rather impressed that he slept as long as he did. I sit up, grab my little guy, that gets bigger each time I grab him and look am him and feed him. And sometimes I watch him, and remember how hard it was at first, to get him to nurse. And sometimes I close my eyes and take us somewhere else in my head. But I am no longer watching the clock, counting the minutes until I get to go back to sleep. I enjoy the time with him, even if it's 3 AM. I also love laying down with him at night. Of course, he isn't always ready to lie down, but then I let him play. I spent so many nights upset that he wouldn't sleep, but no longer. He is growing so fast and I need to have my cuddles with my little monster. And perhaps the laundry doesn't get folded, or the dishwasher emptied, or my lunch isn't made for the next day. But I get time with Liam. And that's why I am so happy it is Friday, 2 whole days with my little guy, doing whatever we want to do, napping together, hiking, playing...I'm going to continue to look forward to my moments with him and bonus moments when Sean is home as well!
I've got a busy few months coming up, it's time to soak in every minute of free time with the ones I truly care about...but for now, off to another meeting...and the hopes it is a short one so I can get back home to my family.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
A new focus
It's time for me to turn my energies back to something different. For months I have been stressed and worried and trying to make all ends meet. In the process, I have sometimes forgotten where the ends are supposed to meet. I have been so caught up in making sure I am doing my job the best, being the best mom and wife and making sure our house is just perfect. And it's too much on some days. Don't get me wrong, the days where I successfully get Liam out of the house on time, bring with all his snacks and lunch, take a healthy lunch and snacks for me, get to work early and rock my day are great. But sometimes I try just too hard to make it all work. So, I have decided to lighten up. I'm not going to be overly concerned if the laundry sits in the dryer for an extra day, or if Liam leaves the house with a little mess on his face.
I'm going to change my focus, to living a happy and healthy life. For me, right now, that means eating well and working out, planning to get into the best shape I have ever been in. I think I can do it, it will be hard and may take some sacrifice, but I can do it. I know how hard I can work, physically and mentally, I also know how hard I can be on myself sometimes. And I need to work to find the balance of all of that. I need to put a new focus on me, on living the way I want to, on eating healthy, on taking care of me while I take care of everyone else. And sometimes I need to remember to make sure that I let others take care of themselves as well.
So, I've started my food journal again, so I know what is going into my body. I've started working out daily, even if it just some legs pilates work out, it is something. I plan on working out more, getting back into my yoga, I miss my yoga so much. I am shifting my focus from making everything perfect to making sure I am on the right track and so much more will fall into place. So, here goes, here goes a step in the right direction, and here goes to always moving in that direction, no matter how small it may be, it's a going the right way. Time to make it happen, for Liam, for my family, but most importantly, for me.
I'm going to change my focus, to living a happy and healthy life. For me, right now, that means eating well and working out, planning to get into the best shape I have ever been in. I think I can do it, it will be hard and may take some sacrifice, but I can do it. I know how hard I can work, physically and mentally, I also know how hard I can be on myself sometimes. And I need to work to find the balance of all of that. I need to put a new focus on me, on living the way I want to, on eating healthy, on taking care of me while I take care of everyone else. And sometimes I need to remember to make sure that I let others take care of themselves as well.
So, I've started my food journal again, so I know what is going into my body. I've started working out daily, even if it just some legs pilates work out, it is something. I plan on working out more, getting back into my yoga, I miss my yoga so much. I am shifting my focus from making everything perfect to making sure I am on the right track and so much more will fall into place. So, here goes, here goes a step in the right direction, and here goes to always moving in that direction, no matter how small it may be, it's a going the right way. Time to make it happen, for Liam, for my family, but most importantly, for me.
Monday, January 20, 2014
I love long weekends
Especially when they are extra long. And that is what this weekend has been. The weekend starting hoping that Sean wouldn't get a call to make him work Thursday night. And he didn't. So, that meant, the family was going to load up and head to Copper Mountain. I had some work meetings going on, but we were going to be lucky enough to squeeze in some riding while Liam was at day care. And yes, I felt bad about putting him in day care on a day when I could have spent time with him, but he seemed to have fun. He got to play with some new friends and didn't even cry when we left. I also got to sneak in, steal him and feed him...so yeah, felt pretty awesome to spend the morning riding (perhaps just as good as I was a couple of years ago, if not better) and then sneak in to feed my baby, have some lunch, do some work, more riding, more work, then feeding Liam and having dinner. It was a full day of on the go moving, but all of it was great. It was the how I imagined I would be a mom and well, it hasn't always gone the way I wanted it to go. But Friday, Friday was a glimpse into what I can do with my little guy, having great adventures, perhaps without him, but still finding time to be a mom to him like I want to be. I am hoping next year he will be on skis himself, but we will see how that goes.
But back to me for a few minutes....it had been just about 2 years since I rode at all, I think the last trip was Breckenridge and while I was impressed with my skills at that time, I was hoping to build on them last year. That didn't quite happen and I was all right with that. Liam came late so by the time I felt strong enough to get out there and ride, the snow was most likely gone. So Friday was it, it was the first day back on the slopes, back in my snow gear and back to believing I can do it. And back to making sure I pushed myself, but gave myself some freedom to feel comfortable again. And all on a new board I got for Christmas. So, we rode up the lift and I started to mentally prepare myself. I was hoping to start on greens, but we ended up on blues and just went for it. Sean gave me a few bits of advice, but I knew I just wanted to see what I could do. So, I strapped in and went for it! And it felt great. Sure, I didn't swish and swoosh like I wanted to, but for the most part, I was just as good as I was last time I was out...and that was such a great feeling. And it only got better. Until after lunch, when I want on something that was way too hard in my head, but that's another story. Anyways, all in all, it felt great to ride and I can't wait to go again - and share it with Liam in the future.
Saturday was another work day for me, so the family took a ride down to Colorado Springs with me, we took the long way, a beautiful scenic way that showed us some amazing views of mountains, took up through some fire areas and even had us on a few dirt roads. We then walked around the Garden of the Gods and I found a little area off the path to rest and feed Liam. It's so funny how proud I am of the little things, of finding a few places to feed my little guy after all the struggles we went through. But I'll take it. I'll take all of it. Sunday was a lazier day, just a walk around the neighborhood (which isn't all that lazy if you see where we live!) and today, today we are waiting for Liam to wake up and then see where the day will take us. And then back to the work, and dropping Liam off and missing him while I am away from him. But it's only 4 more days until a whole weekend with my little guy again, even if Daddy is working, we will find a way to have fun. Our life is Colorado is feeling pretty normal these days, doesn't feel like we did some crazy, out of this world thing...and that makes me think we did the right thing.
But back to me for a few minutes....it had been just about 2 years since I rode at all, I think the last trip was Breckenridge and while I was impressed with my skills at that time, I was hoping to build on them last year. That didn't quite happen and I was all right with that. Liam came late so by the time I felt strong enough to get out there and ride, the snow was most likely gone. So Friday was it, it was the first day back on the slopes, back in my snow gear and back to believing I can do it. And back to making sure I pushed myself, but gave myself some freedom to feel comfortable again. And all on a new board I got for Christmas. So, we rode up the lift and I started to mentally prepare myself. I was hoping to start on greens, but we ended up on blues and just went for it. Sean gave me a few bits of advice, but I knew I just wanted to see what I could do. So, I strapped in and went for it! And it felt great. Sure, I didn't swish and swoosh like I wanted to, but for the most part, I was just as good as I was last time I was out...and that was such a great feeling. And it only got better. Until after lunch, when I want on something that was way too hard in my head, but that's another story. Anyways, all in all, it felt great to ride and I can't wait to go again - and share it with Liam in the future.
Saturday was another work day for me, so the family took a ride down to Colorado Springs with me, we took the long way, a beautiful scenic way that showed us some amazing views of mountains, took up through some fire areas and even had us on a few dirt roads. We then walked around the Garden of the Gods and I found a little area off the path to rest and feed Liam. It's so funny how proud I am of the little things, of finding a few places to feed my little guy after all the struggles we went through. But I'll take it. I'll take all of it. Sunday was a lazier day, just a walk around the neighborhood (which isn't all that lazy if you see where we live!) and today, today we are waiting for Liam to wake up and then see where the day will take us. And then back to the work, and dropping Liam off and missing him while I am away from him. But it's only 4 more days until a whole weekend with my little guy again, even if Daddy is working, we will find a way to have fun. Our life is Colorado is feeling pretty normal these days, doesn't feel like we did some crazy, out of this world thing...and that makes me think we did the right thing.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Finding our place...
It has been a very busy week - wow, it has been just over a week that I started working. It seems like I have been here so much longer than that - which is a good thing, I guess. You can say that now real life has taken over. I don't have free days to take the boys on solo adventures, I can't just hop up the road to ride the fresh powder and I have to wake up REALLY early to get Liam where he needs to be on time and get me where I need to be on time as well.
The week has had it's ups and downs. I had a few rough patches, too stressed out about everything to relax and enjoy anything. Too worried about how Liam is doing while I am gone (he has started to cry each day when I leave and also when I arrive to pick him up - not sure what the deal with that is), about how Burton is doing alone all day. Sean built him a very nice dog area. He has a heated mattress pad in his dog house with plenty of blankets to keep him warm. This is located inside our screened in porch. He also has a great area outside that I'm sure he runs around and barks all day long. And then I'm worried if I'm doing everything right, taking enough food for Liam, bringing enough snacks for me - and not to mention the worrying about Sean and his job, just worrying about if he likes it enough and if he'll get close to enough sleep on his time off.
And then there is the house search and issues. Yes, issues. We have no issues, however, our renter is another story. Let's just leave things at that - we have some issues with her and while I let Sean deal with them, I worry and get angry about them. But yeah, let's just leave that one alone.
But we have started our search for our house here - for a place that I want to spend the rest of my life (basically because I don't want to move ever again!) with my wonderful family. And we have spent hours and hours looking at houses on line, driving around neighborhoods and trying to figure out where we "belong." I have really struggled with this, with the thought of moving to the suburbs. I guess you can say I have been a bit of a brat about it. See, I get to wake up right now and see the sun rise over the mountains. I get to drive to work and stop at 3 or 4 different places to marvel at the beauty of these mountains. I get to gasp numerous times as I look in my rear view mirror to see what is behind me. I get to look out at night and see millions and millions of stars, and if I look really hard, I might even see a shooting star. Liam and I saw one one of the first nights we were here, it was incredible. I get to let Burton out the front door on an adventure, no leash, to just go and explore. And while the drive to work is long, from leaving my house to getting to work, including dropping off Liam, is about an hour and a half. And I hate that, I hate that my time with Liam during the week is spent in the car.
But I struggle, I really do, to give up all we have with our mountain life to save me 30 minutes or even an hour a day. It is different for Sean, he HAS to be at work in a certain time frame and where we are is just too far for that. But, sigh, I really am still struggling to find our place. I know where I want to be, I know where my heart wants to me, I know where my soul feels the happiest, but perhaps it's time to be honest and real with myself and our life. Perhaps it's time to realize that we don't get to play in the mountains every day, perhaps we have to plan for those days. See, that's what I don't want - I don't want to have to plan to go to the mountains, I want to just be in them.
So, here we are, we are taking a break looking at any house, we are taking our time to find the right one. And who knows, maybe we will end up in the suburbs one day, but for now, I am not rushing to get there. It's time for us to figure out our place. All I know is that we have plenty of adventures coming up this weekend and I can't wait.
And while we find our perfect place, for now, I will enjoy every sunrise and sunset, every star and every view around the corner and in the rear view mirror - because when it comes down to it, each moment is important and should be treasured and that's my new outlook.
The week has had it's ups and downs. I had a few rough patches, too stressed out about everything to relax and enjoy anything. Too worried about how Liam is doing while I am gone (he has started to cry each day when I leave and also when I arrive to pick him up - not sure what the deal with that is), about how Burton is doing alone all day. Sean built him a very nice dog area. He has a heated mattress pad in his dog house with plenty of blankets to keep him warm. This is located inside our screened in porch. He also has a great area outside that I'm sure he runs around and barks all day long. And then I'm worried if I'm doing everything right, taking enough food for Liam, bringing enough snacks for me - and not to mention the worrying about Sean and his job, just worrying about if he likes it enough and if he'll get close to enough sleep on his time off.
And then there is the house search and issues. Yes, issues. We have no issues, however, our renter is another story. Let's just leave things at that - we have some issues with her and while I let Sean deal with them, I worry and get angry about them. But yeah, let's just leave that one alone.
But we have started our search for our house here - for a place that I want to spend the rest of my life (basically because I don't want to move ever again!) with my wonderful family. And we have spent hours and hours looking at houses on line, driving around neighborhoods and trying to figure out where we "belong." I have really struggled with this, with the thought of moving to the suburbs. I guess you can say I have been a bit of a brat about it. See, I get to wake up right now and see the sun rise over the mountains. I get to drive to work and stop at 3 or 4 different places to marvel at the beauty of these mountains. I get to gasp numerous times as I look in my rear view mirror to see what is behind me. I get to look out at night and see millions and millions of stars, and if I look really hard, I might even see a shooting star. Liam and I saw one one of the first nights we were here, it was incredible. I get to let Burton out the front door on an adventure, no leash, to just go and explore. And while the drive to work is long, from leaving my house to getting to work, including dropping off Liam, is about an hour and a half. And I hate that, I hate that my time with Liam during the week is spent in the car.
But I struggle, I really do, to give up all we have with our mountain life to save me 30 minutes or even an hour a day. It is different for Sean, he HAS to be at work in a certain time frame and where we are is just too far for that. But, sigh, I really am still struggling to find our place. I know where I want to be, I know where my heart wants to me, I know where my soul feels the happiest, but perhaps it's time to be honest and real with myself and our life. Perhaps it's time to realize that we don't get to play in the mountains every day, perhaps we have to plan for those days. See, that's what I don't want - I don't want to have to plan to go to the mountains, I want to just be in them.
So, here we are, we are taking a break looking at any house, we are taking our time to find the right one. And who knows, maybe we will end up in the suburbs one day, but for now, I am not rushing to get there. It's time for us to figure out our place. All I know is that we have plenty of adventures coming up this weekend and I can't wait.
And while we find our perfect place, for now, I will enjoy every sunrise and sunset, every star and every view around the corner and in the rear view mirror - because when it comes down to it, each moment is important and should be treasured and that's my new outlook.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Solo Adventure
Yesterday Liam, Burton and I took our first solo adventure. All right, well, I guess you can't really call is solo when I had my boys with me. It was comical to me as I was trying to get out of the house, it was like I was moving a small army with everything I had. And of course, right when we left, Burton saw an elk he had to chase our of our front yard. But, he was a pretty good dog and got in the car pretty quick. And off to the dog park we went. It was a nice little drive, I don't mind that it was a little ways away, after all, Liam needed a nice afternoon nap. We arrived and thankfully there was parking close to the park as I forgot a leash. Oh well, I could have forgotten more things, at least I had Liam and Burton, right?
We went for a great 2 mile hike, up some hills, which left me gasping for air, through some giant pine trees and even around a small little creek. I love the fact that Burton was drinking the water out of it, so much cleaner than what he probably drank in the lakes in IL. It was a great day, it really was. I decided that it was going to be and it was. It's funny how that works out, isn't it.
Then there was another solo adventure today, it was me leaving Liam somewhere besides my parents house. It was Liam spending the day with someone totally new. It was my first day of work and it all seemed to go well. From what I can tell, Liam was a pretty good baby - and even took a nap (see, he has been a bit spoiled with naps - taking them on our laps). And he didn't cry when I left and neither did I! I was so happy he didn't cry (he had a rough night and a rough morning, he screamed most of the time I was in the shower). I was happy he was having fun when I left and happy that he seemed to be having when Sean came and got him. It was some sort of peace of mind. I was so nervous about leaving him, not with my parents. It had nothing to do with where he was going, or who was watching him, it just wasn't Dot and Papa. But it all worked out.
So, it was a big few days, I went out with Sean on an adventure, I started a new job and Liam stayed with someone new. Quite a few firsts all in just a few days. Now, I get to enjoy a weekend off with Sean, let lots of information soak in, hopefully have a beer and a nice dinner and get out in the mountains! I say so far, a pretty great way to start the new year!
We went for a great 2 mile hike, up some hills, which left me gasping for air, through some giant pine trees and even around a small little creek. I love the fact that Burton was drinking the water out of it, so much cleaner than what he probably drank in the lakes in IL. It was a great day, it really was. I decided that it was going to be and it was. It's funny how that works out, isn't it.
Then there was another solo adventure today, it was me leaving Liam somewhere besides my parents house. It was Liam spending the day with someone totally new. It was my first day of work and it all seemed to go well. From what I can tell, Liam was a pretty good baby - and even took a nap (see, he has been a bit spoiled with naps - taking them on our laps). And he didn't cry when I left and neither did I! I was so happy he didn't cry (he had a rough night and a rough morning, he screamed most of the time I was in the shower). I was happy he was having fun when I left and happy that he seemed to be having when Sean came and got him. It was some sort of peace of mind. I was so nervous about leaving him, not with my parents. It had nothing to do with where he was going, or who was watching him, it just wasn't Dot and Papa. But it all worked out.
So, it was a big few days, I went out with Sean on an adventure, I started a new job and Liam stayed with someone new. Quite a few firsts all in just a few days. Now, I get to enjoy a weekend off with Sean, let lots of information soak in, hopefully have a beer and a nice dinner and get out in the mountains! I say so far, a pretty great way to start the new year!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
My last day
Today will be my last day home with my little Liam. I know I will have other days, but it has been 2 weeks that I have spent with him, and while he is quite a bit of work (his ability to find mischief even at this young age has me a bit concerned for the rest of his life!), but it also has it moments like now, where Liam and Burton are napping in bed and I'm on the computer. I should probably be cleaning or unpacking, but today, today I want to be close to my little guy and spoil and nurse him as much as he would like. And I am more than all right with that. See, I had a few rough days. I was putting so much pressure on myself to do everything perfect, have the house organized and unpacked (at least most of the things) and making sure Liam and Burton and Sean are all happy. When in the process of all of that, I forgot to make sure I was keeping myself happy.
So, that all started yesterday, or the day before, I don't recall. But it started. I let go of having a few piles of crap on the kitchen table (I really did the best I could to let go, that is) and I started to enjoy the fact that I have mountains all around me. I stopped looking at the dog hair on the floor in the bathroom and watched Liam play peek a boo with me around the door way. Sean and I spent some time getting boxes out of our living area and I decided that each night I have to either clean or work out after Liam goes to bed. And just like that, just a few changes and poof, I feel better about everything. I feel like my ability to be a mom isn't invisible, I feel like I am strong again (the pull up I did could have helped with that) and I feel at peace inside...less stressed and more relaxed. I needed that, and I know I need more of it. But of now, I am going to take it all one day at a time, I have a sleeping baby, a sleeping dog and an afternoon full of solo adventures ahead of us! It's going to be a good day!
So, that all started yesterday, or the day before, I don't recall. But it started. I let go of having a few piles of crap on the kitchen table (I really did the best I could to let go, that is) and I started to enjoy the fact that I have mountains all around me. I stopped looking at the dog hair on the floor in the bathroom and watched Liam play peek a boo with me around the door way. Sean and I spent some time getting boxes out of our living area and I decided that each night I have to either clean or work out after Liam goes to bed. And just like that, just a few changes and poof, I feel better about everything. I feel like my ability to be a mom isn't invisible, I feel like I am strong again (the pull up I did could have helped with that) and I feel at peace inside...less stressed and more relaxed. I needed that, and I know I need more of it. But of now, I am going to take it all one day at a time, I have a sleeping baby, a sleeping dog and an afternoon full of solo adventures ahead of us! It's going to be a good day!
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