Adjusting Expectations

I think this was the best and most important lesson I learned today.  And I think I learned it quite early, which was a good thing.  Sean got called into work today and I decided I was going to take a big adventure hike with Liam.  I felt bad for leaving Burton at home, but I was going to go on a new hike and wasn't sure I could handle Liam and Burton - and since I couldn't leave Liam at home...

Liam was up very early for himself, and I decided it was good sign to do the 10ish mile loop to the peak of Bergen Peak (http://www.protrails.com/trail/644/boulder-denver-golden-fort-collins-lyons-bergen-peak).  We had done parts of this trail before and I wanted it to do the whole thing.  Today was the first attempt at it.  So, we got in the truck and I was missing our walking poles.  Sean had them.  At this point, it was either give up and be upset (which I was - very upset - tried to blame Sean, even though he asked if I needed anything) or move along and see what I can do.  So, I went in the trailer - still upset and on the phone with Sean - being angry and taking anything he said very personal.  I found my cross country ski poles and I thought, what the heck, this is the only way I am going to get to do this hike...and I was especially itching to get some mountain time since we are heading back to Illinois next week.

I got the poles and everything else in the car and we headed on our way.  The drive was pretty uneventful, Liam fell asleep and I was excited to get to the parking lot before it got crowded, which has never happened.  We started our hike around 8.  I was ready to go and determined to start my day over on the trails.

Ready to go!

So off we went.  We went up the trails.  We stopped a few times to catch a few views.  Liam pointed at trees and imitated birds and ate crackers and nuts and anything else I gave him.  My Endomondo was on, telling me how far I had gone and I knew how far I had to go.  I'd check my watch from time to time to see how much higher I had to go.  And we kept walking.  We stopped for bikers and a few trail runners.  Liam counted the bikes and dogs and we climbed higher and higher.

One of the many great views along the way.

Liam got very upset a few times, wouldn't leave his hat on, I asked if he wanted to go back to the car.  I had to take him off a couple of times and put his glasses and hat back on.  Finally I added his shade and he chilled out - and kept yelling top, top, top!

We finally made it to the 1 mile path that would take us to the peak.  There I spent a few minutes deciding what to do.  I knew at this point it would be another hourish back to this point.  And then 3 more all the way down.  But I knew Liam could get out and it was hard to be so close and not make it.  Then I remembered my expectations.  If it was just me, no question, I would have gone, but I had someone else to worry about.  I had Liam.  Could he sit for another 5 hours?  Would he be entertained the whole way down?  Should we go for it?  I took his sleeping as a sign to keep going.  He dozed off and this was a great chance to extend his nap...and make the top.

Passed out - my sign to keep going and take this kid to the top!

I did spend a few minutes thinking about it, and after thinking, I thought I should go for it.  It did help that there was a trail runner on his way back down that just passed us.  He told me he was impressed I was powering through, so I figured it was a good sign as well.  We pushed onward.  We passed a couple bikers that were on thier way down and the older gentleman was excited to see a baby going to the top - said it'd be the first of the day!  We made it just about all the way up and Liam woke up.  Actually, the family passing us woke him up, but that's all right, we were just about there...the goal.  We arrived to the top!  We made it!  We did!

We made it!

And we saw a mountain biker that passed us a couple of times, he had a great attitude and chatted with us along the way.  He was excited to see us and just loving it - chatted for a few minutes until we found our spot, I took Liam off and we sat on a rock and had a snack.

This was our snack rock and the start of his collection.  He seemed to like the really big rocks!

Well, Liam had a snack - I was able to snag a few nuts.  He was so cute and curious and excited.  He picked up rocks and made a collection (I did take one for him - I know, it's silly, but it was our first mountain top - if he didn't need to remember it, I did!), he climbed rocks, with my help...he even got a diaper change on the summit.  And he had so much fun.  He wanted to go everywhere, of course, that'd be a little dangerous, but he did explore.  There was a lady that ran up - was chatting with the mountain biker about their times up and was so sweet to tell me I was better than both of them since I carried him the whole way.

The view to the west

The view to the east.

It was a very eye opening comment - as where a few of the other ones leading up to it - someone thinking I was powering up the mountain, someone excited to see me getting a little one used to nature and then this - these people that just ran and biked up this mountain telling me I'm awesome?  That's just crazy, I spent so much of the walk up admiring the people that ran past me, or the ones that biked past me...I just kept thinking someday, I'll be that awesome, someday I'll be that awesome.  I'm getting in shape, I'm getting there.  And in the end, a couple of those people were admiring me...how does that work?

Oh, you mean, all the things I've been told by Sean and other people about how great I am, those things are all true?  Really?  It gave me such a boost of believing in myself, of thinking I can do anything I want to do.  It's me taking that time to acknowledge that I did something pretty amazing.  Not only did I climb over 1900 feet and reach the height of 9500 feet, but I did it with a baby on my back.  Not only did I have to do the hike, I had to take care of myself and Liam...and entertain him.  He was on my back for almost 5 hours, just hanging out.  And we looked a flowers and trees, we smelled the smell of the hikes (a smell I can't even put into words, a smell that invigorates like no other, a smell meant for those on the trails), we stopped and touch trees - rough bark and smooth bark.

Bark, bark, bark - Liam loved exploring, even in his pack.  

We looked at bikes and dogs and smiled and waved at everyone we passed.  We had fun...I had fun, I hope he had fun.  I know he won't remember these things, but me doing them know will allow me to take him up his first climb like this and his first 14er and anything else he wants to do.

And we did it.  We made it.  It was a slow ride down, my knees were killing me and I was getting tired.  I couldn't miss a step, I couldn't NOT make it down.  And this was a great feeling.  I had to rely on me to get down, no whining, no complaining, just going.  Sometimes these solo hikes or rides or whatever it may be help me so much more than I think I even need.  I did trip on a few rocks, which were great reminders to keep paying attention.  I turned my ankle pretty good that seemed to recover for the rest of the way.  But I kept going.  He finally fell asleep on the way down again, near the end.  I was a little nervous, I was out of water, he wanted more - could I have neglected  him?  I'll be honest, I didn't think there was a huge problem, he had been eating and drinking the whole way, but maybe I messed up.  I mean, what kind of adventure would it be if there wasn't a little fear.  I was also worried that I was out of water.  It has gotten hotter and I knew we were close and was very happy I knew there was some water in the car.

We got to the car and all was good, the milk in the cooler was still cold, Liam was thrilled to be goofing around in the backseat.  We unpacked and chilled out for a couple minutes and went on our way.  I was going to stop for lunch - a date with my little man...but I just wanted to get home.  We headed home and were just about to turn onto our street when all of a sudden a bear cub ran out in front of the car in front of us.  He stopped and we stopped, I rolled down Liam's window and told him to look.  We had not seen a bear, actually, in all our vacations to Yellowstone, the only bears I have seen were in a zoo.  But nope, this little guy ran across the street and jumped up the stairs on the side of the yard.  It was so fun to see a bear, so fun to be in this area, so fun to have my mountain fix complete more than I knew possible as we head back to IL for the 4th and some family time.

So, yeah, in the end I adjusted a lot of expectations, I slowed myself down to make sure Liam was happy.  If given the chance, he may have touched every tree along the way...but the ones he did touch were totally worth the happiness I saw as he felt something new and learned more.  And that was much more exciting to be a part of than a neck breaking pace up the mountain.  I learned I might not always make it where I want to go, but it's the journey that matters.  I starting thinking more highly about myself, about the things I am out here doing, about the life I am choosing to live. And I started to see just how much more awesome I am - I don't need to say that one day, I'll do this or that - or be as good as that, I'll just be me and work hard and enjoy every minute of what I am doing.  That's the plan - that's the new expectation - is to continue to expect great things out of myself, but not knock me down for all the things I still want to do - I'm going to enjoy the things I am doing and the person I am continuing to become...and the vision is more and more clear everyday.  And what a day it was today!  

Passed out - I'm surprised he fell asleep before me, love my cuddle bug!

The adventures continue

Mondays are always hard.  Not only to have to come back to work, but I have to come back to the "city," and brave traffic and try to be normal again.  I joke about how Sean and I are a little different and there is something about where we moved to that makes me feel like we belong there, we don't need to pretend to be anything other than we are.  But that's not always the case in the "city."  It's strange, how at times, I just feel like the only place for me is with my boys in the mountains.  I'm lucky, I love my job and the people I work with are great, I'm just still not sure I fit it yet, at least not as well as I did in my last job.  But maybe I'll get there, that's the plan at least.

But for now, I don't need to dwell on that, I can spend a few minutes talking about our great weekend.  I got to have an early day on Friday at was back with my parents and Liam a little early.  To be honest, I'm not even sure what we did.  As far as I remember, we took Liam to the park, then went to dinner and did a little grocery shopping.  It was a nice and quiet evening.  And the more I think about it, the adventure for the week started much sooner than that.  I took the day off on Wednesday to be with everyone.  Sean decided we should drive up to Mt. Evans - we were excited to be on a 14er, even if we hadn't climbed it.  We were quite disappointed when we got to the road leading up and and it was closed.  We had to settle for some great views and a tiny hike.  All of it was amazing, just not the top of a 14er, but we'll get there!

We headed back down and decided to let Sean stay home and get some work done and head to IKEA.  I desperately needing things, something, anything in my house to make it feel more like a home.  We got a few things, nothing life changing, but enough to get us going in the right direction, and it feels good.  We unpacked more, put Liam's big boy bed together (which is another blog day in itself), and felt more and more settled.  It has been great having my parents here, they have been a huge help in not only watching Liam, but in giving me the kick in the butt I needed to start unpacking more and more.

That will take us to Saturday.  We went back and forth on what to do since Sean was on call, but not called in yet.  It worked out where we were able to go mountain biking while my parents walked around with Liam at Mt. Falcon.  I love that Mt. Falcon is only 7 minutes or so away from us, the trails are great, the hills are killer and well, let's just say, I thought I was going to die numerous times on my bike.  I feel like I walked my bike more than I rode it.  And I started getting frustrated, but remembered that I hadn't rode in over a year and it was my first day trying to tackle some pretty crazy stuff.  At least we made it to the top, didn't fall over and was able to enjoy the views a bit!  Sean took the picture, so the blog will have to wait until the next ride to get a picture of us - just have to figure out when we can do that again.

We were all pretty beat that night, but decided it would be great to grill some steaks and enjoy a lovely dinner outside.  Sean spent more of the day cutting down trees which brought us 5 deer, a few with horns for our evening entertainment.  The wildlife is amazing!

On Sunday, it was Burton's turn for fun.  My mom, Liam and I took him over to the dog park.  It was a great hike, we got in about 2 miles and saw some amazing views.  I think Burton had a good time as well!

Liam wanted to run around a bit, so we went to other side of the park and let him walk a little.  I caught him in the act of being unbelievably cute and silly at the same time - had to share.

Not sure what was going on here, but too silly.  The day ended with a little party, some US Men's World Cup soccer and plenty of laughs and good times.  No wonder I am so tired on Mondays - and no wonder it is even harder to get back to work and in the swing of things.

So, this weekend we kept the adventures going, we played outside tons, got dirty, didn't nap enough, graduated to a big boy bed, grilled out for the first time and laughed and had so much fun.  One of my new home purchases was a chalk board from IKEA and I did a to - do list for each day over the weekend.  I had to make sure we all had fun each day and it sounds like everyone did.  It's been a great few weeks with family and I'll be very sad to see my parents leave in a couple of days, I want to convince them to stay longer, but at least I'll see them again soon in a few weeks.  It was a great weekend, just as all the days we spend outside are...I can't wait to get home to this group of people and have our evening walk, enjoy the stars and just hang out again.  It seems like each night is the perfect one.

Moments

We have been busy again still since my last post.  We went on a family sailing vacation to Wisconsin with Sean's family.  It's always a good time and I'm always reminded how much I love hanging off the side of a boat - still a bit strange, but wonderful.  Something very difficult to describe to someone who has never done it.  And this year, we just decided to enjoy instead of film and take pictures that I am not going to touch on it either.

So, what am I going to touch on?  I have no idea.  The last month has been such a crazy ride, I don't even know which way is up at times.  But it has all been great.  I have spent so  much time with Sean and Liam that it will be a huge bummer when I have to go back to nights alone, or rather just with Liam.  Looks like that will be tonight and I'm thinking I won't rush to get Liam in his big boy bed tonight.  Things just seem to be happening so fast.  I know everyone always said the time goes by so fast, and I know I've thought it, but just over the month, so much has changed.  We bought a house, moved, I had one of the best work experiences of my life, we went on vacation and now we are back, finally getting settled a bit.  And Liam has just taken it all in stride and been a wonderful little trooper.  And I think about how far he has come and how far he has to go yet in life.  And I'm thrilled.  I'm thrilled this little guy came into our life.  I wasn't so sure I was the right one to have kids.  Sean and I had so much fun on our adventures that I never really knew if we should change that.  We decided to let whatever happen, happen and we got the most amazing kid out of it all.  He has been tough, he has taught me to work hard, he has reminded me to be patient and he has opened my eyes to see things like a kid again.  And I'll be honest, some days, I'm still not sure I'm cut out for it.  But that little guy's laugh makes it all worth it.

I read some great blog or story on the internet, about how you should see things through the eyes of a kid, about how simple everything is, about how new and exciting things are.  And this reminded me to take a step back.  It's all right if my closet is still not unpacked (let's be honest, I could probably get rid of whatever is not unpacked) and if I still have a few boxes here or there.  The time I spend with him, the words I hear him say, the way I get to watch him learn makes it all not matter.

I get worried sometimes that something terrible might happen to him, it is always in the back of my mind, but I guess that is how it goes being a parent.  I am thinking I will have that for the rest of my life.  Do you ever stop worrying about your kids?  Anyways, when that though pops out in my head, I always go back to the moment I'm in.  It often happens at night, during story time.  I stop my thought and I look at him, most likely try to tell him to lay down and sleep, probably try to not laugh at his bouncing on the bed, and even offer to scratch his back (which happens to be his favorite right now).  Every now and then I wonder what I do, if something happened.  I don't take it too far, it's too hard to think about and it's not something I want to think about.  The good thing about that thought is that I pull myself back into the moment, the moment I'm in with Liam, the way he lives his life.  And during those moments I am again reminded about the moments that matter, the snuggles, the struggles to get his runny nose wiped, the giggling boy, the back scratches, the kisses he gives (which are especially great when that nose doesn't get wiped) and the love he has for me - for no reason other than he knows nothing else.  And that, that makes all the moments worth it.

I didn't know where I was going with this, but I knew I wanted to write, I guess I had more to say than I thought.  I'm also missing my guy after a long day at the office, thankful that Dot and Papa are in town taking care of my monster...whom I love more than I even knew possible and whom I love more and more everyday.  Can't wait to get a booger kiss when I get home!

Xavier Rudd

So, this is just one example of the fun things that await us in Colorado.  A few weekends ago, Vail hosted the GoPro Mountain Games.  It's sort of a small scale Olympics for advenute sports - right up our alley - kayaking, slacklining, climbing, SUP, and all kinds of other fun things, including some dog competitions.  They also had music - one night was Xavier Rudd, one of my favorites.  He's an awesome dude from Australia that plays great music - typically alone and just touches my soul.  I went with Erik, Bethany and Liam.  We had a blast dancing, hanging out, people watching.  Liam had fun as well.  It was just a little adventure, but so much fun.  I'm thrilled we decided to move here, such, it has been tough at times, but things like this make it all worth it!

What a weekend!

Wow, it has been over a month since my last blog and quite a bit sure has happened in that time.  First of all, we moved which has caused part of the problem, the laptop box seems to be missing.  We moved down to Indian Hills, a small town of about 1280 people.  We live in a house at the end of a dead end, hidden in the trees and tucked back far enough to feel like we still have our own little piece of land, about 3 acres.  It's great, we love the location of it and down the road, we will love the house.  Currently it is still in a bit of craziness with boxes and crates over taking most of the house.  I will say, it wasn't the best time for a move, due to the huge work event I had the next weekend, but we'll get it all unpacked and situated and eventually, we will have our dream mountain home, which is thrilling.  I'm sure there will be plenty more on that, but for now, the reason I started writing today.

I got home from one of the craziest, most amazing weekends I've had in a long time, perhaps even ever.  It was the 2014 State Summer Games in Colorado and I was in charge.  Now, of course, there is NO way I could have done it alone, so there was a great committee of people to work with, but well, at the end of the day, the event is my main focus of my job...and it was great.  It was not without crazy amounts of work, some bumps and mistakes, a million things learned, but that should have all been covered when the lap top was missing, for now, I want to reflect on the weekend.

It was busy, we got there on Thursday and the majority of the time that was spent in Grand Junction was spent on the go, setting things up, solving problem, taking things down, and answering questions.  I had little time to talk to Sean, who is usually more helpful than even I know on trips like this.  He was also busy taking care of my little man at home, so I know he was busy as well.  He is great for me to talk to, bounce ideas off of, ways to handle things...but he wasn't around and I was on my own, so to speak.

Things got rolling and I can go through the boring details of all of it, but I'll just touch on the highlights and end with the great feelings that came from everything.  Athletes started to arrive on Friday for some pizza and a movie, we ran into a few issues, but nothing that wasn't fixable.  Saturday was the big day, Opening Ceremonies would kick off the games.  I was out and about finalizing a few things, but I made myself stop and take a minute to remember why I spent countless hours being upset about this or that or the other thing.  There were many times during all of the planning that I just wanted to give up, things just stacked up against me higher and higher...I knew I'd never quit, I knew it would all work out, the light at the end of the tunnel just seemed to far away.  But that morning, as I high fived athletes as they were getting ready to get in the parade, as I watched the torch go around (and of course, teared up), and I saw the cauldron get lit, everything vanished and all that mattered was the moment I was in and the event ahead.

Most of the conclusions I came to happened when I got home today.  Someone I missed that Sean and Liam were in town and I drove home as fast as I could to see them, only to find out they weren't there.  So I sat down on our front porch, I sat in silence for the first time in days (other than sleeping of course) and I just let my mind and body rest.  Maybe it was breathing in the mountain air, or the few minutes of quiet I had, whatever it was, I was overcome with emotion.  I thought about every aspect of the weekend, the issues leading up to it, the hard work while there, the final wrap up talks with people I needed to wrap things up with and my emotions overtook me.  I had tears streaming down my face, but not tears of sadness, tears of pure joy - a joy I hadn't felt in a long time, a joy that came from the satisfaction of the amazing weekend.

And I wish I had been able to record all my thoughts at that point, I wish I could recall all of them now, but I will just have to do the best I can.  See, I had some struggles in getting ready for the games and I wasn't looking forward to it, I knew it'd be good, but I wanted it to be great and I wasn't sure we'd be able to make that happen.  Before I left, I decided to change my thinking, I decided that no matter what, I wasn't going to NOT enjoy Summer Games, I love Summer Games and this was going to be no exception.  As we went through the weekend, it was more and more apparent to me, how much hard work it was going to take by everyone involved.  And as we went through the weekend, I experienced so much, I was so thrilled to see the games kicked off, I was so upset about a few coach interactions.  I cried one night, not even sure why, just overcome with emotion after a high stress situation.  I laughed, a lot...I formed relationships with people that can only come from working events like this.  I talked even more with some of those people to ensure those relationships continue on the best terms possible.  I smiled and loved watching our athletes.  I learned how I best deal with certain situations, I discovered the people I can count on when I need it.  I am pretty positive that my heart grew 3 sizes with all the joy that athletes experienced.  I grew professionally and personally far more than I expected.  I left feeling amazing, feeling like I can do anything, feeling like we can work to make these games a place everyone wants to be.

And I'm sure I'll get knocked down from this high at some point, but for now, I will just ride it as long and as far as I can.  I will NEVER forget my first Summer Games at SOCO and it has changed me in the best possible ways.