Lessons learned

It's funny, you can learn the simplest lessons from the oddest place, or rather while you are going something you never thought would teach you a lesson.  I took a few days off of work and we were going to go camping.  We had about an hour left of packing to get done, when we decided to check the weather - 50 and rain where we wanted to go, not ideal for camping, but we could make it work.  Then we checked the radar and there was mostly a storm over the whole western half of Colorado, which is where we planned on going.  So, thinking about that, taking the kids out to camp in that weather sounded less than awesome.  Liam would have enough fun in the camper, I think, but Cora might go a little nutty.  So, we bailed on camping.  Liam was sad and bummed, but we countered that with a trip to a mall, which if you know us, if pretty off our normal.  I had to return a few things and there is a pretty fun play place.  It got his mind off camping at that point.

The next day, Sean and I decided to take a climbing date day without the kiddos.  He worked hard to find the best place to multi-pitch climb, something I had never done before.  We hiked along to get to the climbing route and he started to explain all the things I'd have to do, I was a bit nervous, but it sounded like fun.  So, up he went.  And in came the clouds.  And the wind.  He was climbing, I was doing my job belaying him, all went well until the halfway point of the rope crossed through my belay device.  So, I'm trying to yell at him, tell him what the deal was and he finally got it and thankfully called to talk about it.  And then I realized something funny about when we go climb...we typically spend some time walking to the base of the climb, setting up, he goes up and sets the rope and then comes done, I get a climb in, then he goes back up to clean, etc.  So, I don't typically get that much climbing in.  And I started to get a little annoyed by that...and then I basically smacked myself across the face.  Here I was standing here in this beautiful natural place, hanging out with Sean and somehow being upset about it.  So, I let it go.  The climb took a small wrong turn and we had to back track and do a bunch of other things, so I was mostly set with the fact that I wasn't going to climb.  Things worked out well enough before the rain hit and I climbed and I was reminded how much I love climbing, my moves were pretty decent, my strength surprised me, which is always nice.  On our walk back to the car, we chatted more about climbing, about how I want to do it more, make it happen and be a part of it.  I want to know what I'm doing enough to go on my own, well, not really on my own because you kind of need a climbing partner, but well...go without Sean sometime.  So, that's my plan and goal, we will see how it happens, if it's this summer and go from there.

And then it was Sean's birthday.  I sucked, I was so busy all weekend, I didn't get him a card, or even make one with the kids.  It was a rainy, kinda crappy day, so we decided to get some breakfast and head to the Children's Museum.  It was so fun, the kids had a blast, Liam had fun last time we went, but this time was loving it, loving everything about it.  He is turning into such a kid, with his own thoughts on what he wants to do, what he wants to learn and it's so much fun to watch.  And Cora, the way she followed him around and did whatever he did was the best.  At some point, she was going down a slide and I was at the end, letting her climb by herself, another mom was rushing over to help her...she was fine, didn't need help, and it was all soft had she fallen, but it's amazing how coordinated and fearless she is.  Then, something hit me, I was done and it wasn't just the kids all around, it felt like I got hit buy a truck.  So, we slowly made our way out.  We stopped at Target on the way home, Cora and I napped in the car while the boys at lunch and shopped.  By the time I got home, I was in rough shape...I'll save the details, but get to the point of my lessons learned.

I laid there, thinking I was dying and Sean took care of me and the kids.  I'm sure he had plenty of other things he wanted to do, but he was there with us and that made me so happy and grateful.  I was thrilled he wasn't at work, I couldn't have done that with the kids.  I mostly was the sickest I have ever been and never want to eat again if it causes the possibility of being that sick in any way.  But I realized a few things...Sean has amazing patience with me and with the kids.  He isn't as used to being around everyone as he has been, but he was amazing.  Getting dinner ready, the kids ready for bed, all while I was pleading for him to help me in some way.  He took Cora to put her to sleep as Liam sat with me in the bathroom (I was in the shower at this point again) and read me books.  He was the sweetest, telling me how he wanted me to feel better, to be sure to come and snuggle him before I got to bed and say good night.  I don't know what happened to that kid, but as he grows, I'm more and more proud of him.  He is the sweetest kid most of the time and so on top of everything going on.  He woke up a few times at night and came in needing snuggles, so Sean snuggled him for a bit and took him back to bed.  He woke up early, before Sean left and was so excited to get to see him.  And then he crawled into bed with us and gave Cora some snuggles.  I guess for all the times it seems like we are messing up at parents, we are doing all right if that kid is so sweet.

So, lessons learned, the little things don't matter, what we have in front of us, each moment is what matters to me.  So what is the laundry isn't folded again, or Liam's room might not be clean, we have each moment to make the choices of what's most important.  Sometimes I just need a clean house and I forget everything else going on.  But this morning, when I saw dishes in the sink from last night's dinner, there was no way I was going to be upset about that.  That might not happen every morning, but the more mornings I learn to let go of those things, the more I'll have moments with the kids and Sean that can't be replaced, so that's what I focus on.

It is real...

Today was the first day it seems in a while that Sean worked a day over the weekend.  It was the first day of his shift and most of me just wanted to be lazy, stay home, have a pj day, clean the house and get work done.  That changed and I made plans with friends to go to see a truck show/race.  Liam loved it, it was quite fun and nice to enjoy the sun.  On the way home, I talked to Sean and asked if he wanted visitors.  Of course he did, seems like a silly question.  So, we headed to see Sean at work.  But then we had to eat lunch first, and not come just yet.  The kids were getting crabby and I was ready to bail on the whole idea.  Then we were allowed to stop by, so we did.  We get to stop by and see Sean, Liam got to see all the fire trucks and ambulances, Cora ran around as she does these days and I just kept a general eye on all.  We hung out for a bit, met all the firefighters, saw where Sean spent his time away from home and it was time to leave.  I hoped to get home at a decent time, perhaps even get the kids to nap so I could get my work done.  

Sean was walking us out and saying good-bye to us...and he suddenly said he had to go, he heard the alarms.  He gave us all a quick kiss and handed Cora to me as his co-firefighter came out to yell at him to go...he was already on his way back.  And something hit me.  It was real.  He's a real fireman.  I didn't ever think it was all fake, but seeing him run back into the fire house struck a cord with me.  I dropped Liam off at his car seat (I had to grab him after he feel and scraped his knee again). and told I him it was real, dad is a real firefighter...and of course, I teared up a bit.  Because it was real, because I watched him drive away on the fire truck, lights and sirens blairing, not knowing where he was going or what he was doing.  It's a crazy thing, he has always done something a little dangerous, helicopter paramedic, flew around with his donor job and everything else he does in better.  But something was different this time he drove away.  We used to have rules, his rule was to call me before he took off and after he'd land...I'd say something silly about being safe and I'd wait to talk to him again.  

But now I can't get that...when he has to go, he has to go.  He has tons of work to do at the station and not as much time to call me.  And that's all right, it's not easy, but it's all right.  I send him messages and picures of the kids, I call and leave messages because he needs to know we are thinking about him.  I don't hear from him as much, but it's all right, I know he is there, I know he is safe and I know he is doing good, such good.  He is doing something amazing with his life that we support.  It's funny, I feel like I see things about firefighter, police, military spouses, about how they are so important.  I had people tell me that my role was just as important as his was and I didn't really get it until today.  Today it all came together.  Many of those people can't do what they are doing, unless they have the support.  He can't do what he is doing if I'm not doing what I am doing.  It's not always easy to be alone for 48 or more hours, but it's worth it, for him, for what he is doing.  The kids miss him for sure, but we are getting used to it.  And the reunion when they see him always makes my heart melt.

So, how do I deal with the real?  Do I just forget the fact that bad things could happen?  Do I complain about how hard some nights are?  Is it extra stressful when I have extra work to get done on the days he's working?  Do I lie awake some nights and worry when I don't get to say good night to Sean?  Am I just as excited to see him as the kids after those 48 hours?  Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes...I'll be honest, it's not always easy.  The kids have been great and we've had pretty good days getting out the door and got into a good groove at bedtime.  Will we have bad days?  For sure...I know that will happen.  Will I cry some nights with the kids because we miss daddy?  For sure...but I also remember that people have it worse, much worse.  We just have to survive 48 hours a few times a month.  So, we do it...we will continue to do it...I'll continue to worry when I don't talk to him.  I might even cry some nights, but I'll also be strong.  I know the kids need me and I need them, and we will all be strong and get through the tough times.  But it certain is real...Sean is a firefighter and there's no joke about that.