It's tough...

...being a working mom and trying to tackle it all.  I am not judging moms that don't work, I am not saying that is easy, I have no room to say anything about that, I am not that person.  But it is tough...trying to juggle my job, my career, huge events that mean more to me than I could even put into words and my little man - when he is sick - and when my husband is out saving lives - and when I have hours of work to do and not enough time.  Well, perhaps I shouldn't be writing, and I am done for the night, time for yoga and bed, but had to get a few things off my mind first.

It's hard, my kid is sick and all I want to do is cuddle him and love him and do whatever I can to make him get better.  But I also have one of 6 huge events that are my job, my career, my calling, my passion just around the corner - on Sunday as a matter of fact.  So, how do I choose?  How do I decide how he feels, should I send him to day care?  It won't be possible for me to take him to work another day, I got enough done today, but I have SO much more to do, packing, printing, stuffing packets, checking things off my list, and so on.  I can't do it with my little man there.  So, then what?  Then I feel guilty for taking him to day care when he is sick, or then I wait until Sean gets home, not allowing Sean to sleep after he just worked over 24 hours.  My hope above all hopes tonight is that he wakes up feeling better.  His fever seems to be gone, his cough is lessening, but still, I thought that was the case today and he hit a point of being miserable.  He cuddled up with me like he hasn't done in so long, he needs mommy when he is sick and it pains me to not be able to be there.  Yesterday I worked from home and he needed me, thankfully, I could snuggle him on the couch while I was doing computer things, but still, he needed me in a way I couldn't be there.  How do you deal with that?  How and when does that become okay that you just can't be there?  Does every parent feel that at some point?  Or do I need to figure out my priorities?

I have another little one coming along and man, how will this work with 2?  I know it's doable, people do it, but crap, it is scary to think about when I struggle sometimes with just one.  Like this week, what would I have done with 2 kiddos?  How could I have made that work?  And yes, most likely one would have gone to day care, but what if that couldn't happen?

So, it's tough, I love, love, love what I do and couldn't imagine my life without it.  And I love, love, love my family, I know it's all about balance, but some nights, it mostly just feels like whatever I choose, I end up with the short end, a sick kid, work not done, a long couple of nights ahead of me at the office, missing bedtimes and snuggles and just being too busy to stop and play.  I'll make up for it, I know I will and I think I am doing a pretty good job of trying to figure it all out - with the extra work demands and being pregnant, so maybe that's a good sign, that I'll be able to handle it all.  Ha, that's funny - I'll just handle all of it and I know on some days, I will.  I will be supermom, awesome employee and amazing wife.  And I know other days I'll fail at at least one of those, if not all of those.
But I guess the key is to get up and keep going, right?  To keep pushing on, to keep striving to offer the best of me to everyone.  And when the time comes for a break, to be sure I take it, whatever it may be, even if it's just a cry and a silly blog entry.

But man, it's tough...it's been a tough day, I've had some great help that I wasn't expecting, which makes me happy and feeling very lucky.  It's been a day of crying, good crying, feeling overwhelmed, but like I have things under control all at the same time.  I blame the baby for that one.  I called Sean earlier and just wanted to cry, no real reason, just needed to cry.  And now as I type, I feel good, mostly, I feel like I have things under control, I feel like no matter what tomorrow holds, I can tackle it and handle it.  I will focus on that, I will let go of the tough day, I will move forward with good thoughts and know that I can handle it - I can do it.  And in the end, I'm a good mom, wife and employee, even if some days it feels like I'm not.

This was my little guy with me at work today, broke my heart how tired and sick he was.  Made my heart skip a few beats when he cuddled up in his sling and napped with me.  I love this kid so much, I hope my best is good enough for him.