One bottle

So, this morning on my way out to the car on trip one, taking the bags and things for the day, I held a bottle of milk for Cora, about 9 ounces, pretty good amount of mommy milk for her to still be having.  And it slipped out of my hand as I was trying to get Burton, who is coned and leashed at all times, to pee.  I was so made, the bottle dropped and broke and I was able to save about 3 ounces while I watched the rest soak up into our driveway.  Then I watched as Burton smelled this, somehow blaming him or everything for it.  So, I picked up the broken bottle and saved what I could and somehow managed to get everyone out of the house on time again.  I've been in a good groove with that, but man, I am sure am ready to not rush out the door tomorrow morning.

I took then kids and went on my way, it was only during my drive to work that I really started to think about that bottle.  That particular bottle was one that we got for Liam when he was on his nursing strike, we were told it would better as it came with some fancy slow flow nipple.  We used it for a while, but it turned out that Liam figured it out and the milk was coming out too fast, not what we were hoping for to get him back to nursing.  It was a bottle that I used for pumping when I was back at work, watching the ounces fill, always worrying if it would be enough for the next day.  It was a bottle that reminds me of so much and while I know it seems silly that one little bottle can you remind you of over a year of nursing with one kid, remembering the struggles and the victories we had, and then meaning something totally different with Cora.  With Liam, I didn't seem to make as much milk, I did everything and I was able to get just about enough, but with Cora, I've been lucky.  I never had to supplement her with anything, so it was a joy pumping in this large bottle, after all, the first pump of the day used to fill it at least half way.

But now the bottle is broken.  And it makes me sad.  I am so happy my nursing journey with Liam ended so positive, it got me ready for the amazing trip with Cora.  She has been great, always wanting to be close and nurse, even if I need a break, always having enough milk and filling this bottle that shattered today before me.  So, while I'm sad about it and realizing what it all meant to me, I feel all right letting this bottle go, it means we are on to the next part, the part where Cora doens't need me as much, but still wants me, and that's one of the best parts I remember with Liam.  The mornings when he'd wake up and want to nurse, nursing him to sleep and snuggling him close.

There is no way to know when she will be done, when she will just be over it like Liam was, I feel like it happened so suddenly with him and it might be the same with her.  But I also know that I won't make her stop nursing.  This bottle breaking is just that, a bottle breaking, a way for me to remember how far I came with Liam and how great Cora and I did.  I remember the struggles and the joys of the first latch with both kids, the sometimes pain of Cora's newborn little mouth, the first teeth that made things a little more difficult.  But in the end, I wouldn't trade either of my journeys.  While Cora's might have been easier, I don't know if I could have done it without knowing all I learned from Liam, the groups I attended, the strangers that reached out to help because we had the same goal.

So, the bottle, it's still in my sink, I didn't get to dishes today, and it makes me a little sad to see it broken, but I know it's just another step in the journey.  Now it's time to nurse little Cora to sleep and enjoy every moment I have left with her.

One year...

...it has been one year since Cora was born, since I labored all night with her and had her at home in our bathtub, when Sean delivered her and I sat with her and snuggled her and fed her and loved her.  One year.  It means so many things to me, so many things have changed and so many things have stayed the same.  I still nurse her to sleep and she falls asleep on my lap on the couch most nights.  She still sleeps in our bed and wakes up to nurse some nights.  She cries still, just quite a bit louder.  She is still my little baby girl, but so many other things have changed.

Cora has grown up in so many ways, she takes up tons more space in bed and is moving all over.  She isn't walking yet, but she is crawling, standing and cruising.  She is babbling plenty, screams when she wants things, points, smiles and giggles plenty.  She gives these silly wide open mouth kisses that are just too sweet to pass up, even if it means slobber all over me.  She thinks she's so funny when it's time for bed and I actually try to put her down in bed and she gets up, rolls over and climbs all over me.  Her laugh and giggle are hard to be upset around, so bedtime can be a challenge, just like Liam.

But she's a year, and that means so many other things.  It means she has nursed for a year, it was all us, she did it, she worked so hard and so did I!  She made it a year on mostly all breastmilk.  My body did what it needed to do for her.  And we will still nurse, who knows for how long, but right now, I really enjoy the extra bonding we have.  I learned so much from my struggle with Liam that I am proud to have gotten this far with her.  We had a few bumps, but we made it, we made it a year and I'm so proud of that. 

And while I don't have my pre-baby body back, I trust that I am where I am for a reason, maybe I need to hold on to a little extra weight to keep making my milk for Cora.  While some days are frustrating when some pants still don't fit, I remember that I'm working for Cora right now...not as much as I had to in the past, but still, I want to make milk for her and I am going to keep doing it...I can probably focus a little more on me, extra workouts, etc, but I'm not going to drag myself down anymore about it, Cora won't nurse forever, and when she's done, I can get back to kicking butt.

But it's been a year, a year since one of the most amazing days of my life, a day that I relive over and over again, a day that I smile about over and over again.  It was a day that reminds me of my strength, Sean's support and our teamwork.  It was also a day that reminded me how much Liam has grown up, what a big boy he was that morning when I had Cora.  I think back to what a sweet and honest moment it was when he came in to meet Cora.  I said something to him today about how it was Cora's birthday and asked him if remembered how she was born in the bathtub, he said he did and asked me some questions about when I was pregnant, said he remembered when daddy put me in the tub.  

So yeah, a year, a year of so many things, my baby girl is growing up and I miss my little snuggle bug, I'm lucky that she is still a snuggle bug, or at least I make her be one.  I love walking with her in a carrier and feeding her, even though she mostly wants to look around and play...she still likes to be close to me and that's an amazing feeling, I look forward to growing with her as our relationship changes, but in the end, she will always be my baby girl.

The next chapter

It began on Monday, well, I guess technically it began back when I was talking to Torch about how Littleton Fire Department was going to hire 20 new recruits in November.  While it didn't happen in November, that's when Sean took his first test to get the ball rolling with this new chapter...and he approached each step with caution and doubt he'd make it to the next step, but the next step kept coming until Monday...which was his first day at the fire academy.  We were told it'd be hard, he will work long hours, come home tired and have homework to do.  But he'd be home every night at least, I thought.  And he'd be off on weekends...so it shouldn't be too bad, right?  Three days in and so far so good...things aren't always easy, I have had a rough few mornings and one fantastic morning getting the kids out the door...Monday Liam just cried for a while, today Cora pooped all over her outfit just as we were leaving, but we made it out the door on time and I made it work on time.  I'm working to adjust my work schedule to take some stress off of me as well, so hopefully that will happen.  And we are almost down to just 13 weeks - July 8, it's the day he will graduate academy and it's when all of this will be done.  July 8 - seems so close, yet so far away.

But I believe we will make it, I believe Sean will make it and make himself one of the best firefighters there can be...and I believe I will rock this part time single mom gig...of course, there are doubts.  What happens when Sean is stuck late and I have a meeting?  What happens when I just can't get the kids of out the door even close to on time?  What happens when Sean is too tired to take out the trash and I forget?  What happens if I am too tired to do the dishes, or laundry?  We will make it, we will make it work, we will catch up at some point and we will be back on track,

It's been a crazy ride to get here, get where Sean wanted to be.  I'm lucky, I have pretty much a dream job that gets better everyday.  But Sean, he mostly just worked, he did very important work most or all of his life, but this was something he could really get into.  Now, if you asked Sean what he wanted to be when he grows up, he has no idea...besides a professional race car driver, but does admit this is pretty much the next best thing.  So what if I work a little harder, watch less TV, pick up some slack here and there during these 14 weeks - isn't that was a marriage is all about?  Sean has always done that for me in my busy seasons, whether it be watching the kids extra, helping me at my events, or anything in between.  We help each other, we make a good team and now, now is my turn to help him out, to support him in his dream and to make it through these few months.

I'll admit, I'm a little worried, the program he is in sounds quite intense...very intense, but I feel if we have a plan and make it all happen to some extent we can make it through this, we can help each other, we can push each other and we can let each other rest if needed.  We can get through this.  Sometimes I think Sean acts a little worried about things so I have to step up and believe and convince him we can do things, all while believing it myself.  And sometimes he probably has doubts, but that is one of the best things about us, it's our balance.  So I am sure I won't get nearly enough time with Sean over the next few months, but I also know that it's important he spend time with the kids and get his work done...so I can push myself aside, at least for a while and make sure we have our plan in place to move forward...and Sean is being great about doing anything he can to help me, so plans help me so much...when you fail to plan, you fail, right?  At least I mostly do.  So I plan to move forward and plan well and get through these 14 weeks, for Sean, for us, for the life we will have after those 14 weeks.  While the first year will be tough, at least he will back on a normal schedule, at least normal for us.

So, this chapter is exciting and new and thrilling - and a little scary and a bit overwhelming, but I know we will make it...and have I mentioned how Liam has woken up the past 2 mornings asking when he can go to the fire station - he's a little excited about daddy being a fireman!