Looking back...

It's always good for me to sit and look back on things, whether it be a long weekend, a work event, or in this case, the whole year.  It's also a good way for me to get back into my blogging, it's been too long since I have visited here, shared my thoughts and memories for me to look back on.  So here I am, I know, you have been waiting and waiting for this, right? :)

It has been a wild year, to say the least.  I have so many ups and downs, I'm not even sure where to start.  I started the year pregnant with Cora, she was giving me a hard time, but I worked through it.  I even managed to get some snowboarding in when I was 7 months pregnant at our State Winter Games, which we had to cancel - which brought many tears...but instead of focusing on that, I think I'll look forward to this year and making sure our event makes up for it!  Then I was just working, working and working.  We had State Basketball, which had over 100 teams and was exhausting!  Being 8 months pregnant, running here and there took a tole, but I made it through.  During all of this, I was preparing for Summer Games, since I was going to have Cora a month or so before that.  There was very little downtime at work for me, since I wanted to be as prepared as possible for the Summer Games.  I knew I was going to be out for a while, but also knew I wanted to get back to work as soon as possible, rather to get things in order for the games.  I went through a lot of emotions when I realized it was possible that I was going to miss Summer Games due to Cora.  I couldn't miss Summer Games - I haven't missed a Summer Games in 15 years, I couldn't this year.  So, through some tears, pleading and proposals of my plan it worked out, I was able to work from home with Cora leading up to the games and had her with me most of the games.  It was great, it was hard, but it was worth it.

Then there was Cora, my sweet little baby girl...who came to us in the most amazing way possible.  I think back to it all, to the labor, to the times I told Sean I couldn't do it, to when he said it was time to go, to when all of a sudden, she was here.  The moment was amazing, it was everything I wanted and more.  Sean got to catch my wonderful baby girl and she has been amazing from day one.  She has nursed like a champ, she sleeps pretty well and while I still spend way too much time cuddling her, it is worth every minute of it.  Maybe I don't get my evening work out in, or maybe the laundry stays in the dryer a bit longer, but her snuggles and cuddles are worth each and every moment.  I am soaking them up, watching her sleeping and nurse and just being in love with everything about her.

And then there is Liam, that kid.  I love that kid so much.  He has such a mind of his own, his imagination is amazing and his spirit is beyond incredible.  I am so lucky to have this boy with such energy, and so much love for everything.  I mean, he is a 3 year old, so he has his moments, but when he is in a good mood, he is the sweetest.  I love the way he wants to help cheer up Cora, as a matter of fact, yesterday, he was pouting because she was still crying after he tried to make her feel better.  He wants to help to everything, I can do that, he says quite often...he wants to help daddy when daddy is working, he wants to help mommy when I'm cooking...his world is just a canvas for him  to learn and I hope we are teaching him well.

And I'm sure there are a million more things we did this year that remind me of how lucky I am to be where I am be with the people I'm with.  I took the kids back to Illinois for a fun trip, we had lots of visitors that help remind us of the paradise we live in.  We started some traditions like donuts from downtown Evergreen and a hike by the lake on a weekend morning when we are both home.  We are reminded that people don't to be related to be family.  We were lucky to have sold our house in IL, just recently, which was both relieving and sad all at the same time.

We finally camped this summer in our new camper and it was amazing.  I was reminded how much I love to camp...and the places we get to go and the stars we can see on each trip are such a reminder of what a beautiful place we live in.  We went on adventures as a family that I enjoy more than I thought.  The kids are loving being outside - if Liam is in the right mood, he will stay outside all day and night, with no complaints, except when it's time to come inside.

I was reminded of the strong person I am the person I want to keep being for me and for my kids.  I am finding the balance of being a mom, working, being a wife and still being the person I want to be. I have rediscovered my desire to do things, like snowboarding and climbing and even though I have kids, I can still be the person I was once...I will just need to adjust my expectations a bit.

It has been a beyond incredible year for me and for us as a family.  We are so blessed to have so many people to be thankful for in our lives.  We wake up in paradise every morning and while we have to work and live our lives each day, which is not always easy, we always get to come home to our mountain retreat, endless stars and a home we have created.

P.S.  These kiddos have become more than a big part of my life, they are my life...something no one really tells you about being a parent...oh, that, and they will drive you crazy any chance you get and make you laugh and smile harder than you ever have in your life.  I wouldn't trade them for the world and I look forward to seeing what the new year brings for all of us, especially them!

Three

It's the magic number, right...yes, yes it is.  Yesterday Liam turned three.  How is that possible?  How was he born just 3 years ago, I feel like so much has happened in that time, I can't even wrap my head around it.  I think back on the day he was born, his story, our first few months, our first year and so on.  And I am so proud of that little guy - he is turning into such a kid, such his own person, which is great!  Of course, he has his moments, many of them, but most kids do, right?  So today I will take a few minutes to remember what I love most about him right now.  There aren't words to really express how much I love him, how much my love has grown as he has grown, but here are just a few things that make me smile about him for now, would love to freeze these moments in time:

• I love the way he cuddles and plays with Cora, a little too hard at some point, but he will just come up and hug and kiss her in the sweetest way.  I also love the way he says "Sweetie, it's OK" when she is crying, similar to how I say it to her.
• He is a parrot - he repeats what we say, which can be quite funny - he got us all laughing this weekend when he repeated my mom saying "Oh gosh" and then continued to say it over and over as we laughed.
• He is ready to do things on his own, get out his cereal in the morning, get his boots on, so many things that he does each day to help me, makes me so happy to have the help and a little sad he isn't needing me in that way so much anymore.  
• During bath time, he thinks it's hilarious to sit in Cora's bathtub after she gets out.  I have no idea how he manages to get in and out, but he does and he giggles when he is in there in such a goofy silly way.
• He still stomps his little feet into our bedroom some nights and while some nights Sean takes him back to his room, some nights he climbs up and sneaks in without us knowing, it typically means that Cora wakes up when I move here and I have little to no room to sleep, but it's the most loving night of "rest" I can get.  He's getting so big I'm not sure how long he'll fit in bed with us, but I'll let it keep happening as long as he wants.  
• The faces he makes, the way he rolls his eyes at us (how does a 3 year old even know what that means), the smiles he gives when he knows he is asking for something he shouldn't have and they way he knows how to make me laugh when I need it the most.
• How he hugs and kisses me - I feel like hugs and kisses with kids are always changing, but right now, he runs to me, tries to tackle me and hugs me so big, I love it...even if I'm not expecting it and he tackles me.
• Reading books with him when he can fill in some of the words, hearing him learn new words and new sounds and just listening to him talk, sometimes I still have no idea what he is saying, but he is talking and he knows what he wants!

I'm sure I can go on and on and perhaps I'll add more later, but for now, I will be done with his 3 year post, maybe someday he'll want to read these, most likely I'll sit and cry and read these when he is a teenager, but whatever the case may be, I'm happy to capture these moments, just for a little bit longer.

This was my last picture of my 2 year old, the night before his 3rd birthday.

Two years

It has been just over 2 years since we made the move, the leap, the jump to give up all safety and security of our prior life to live our dream.  And some days it seems like we have been here for forever, while some days it seems like we are just getting our feet wet on this new crazy adventure.  So I sit here today and I think about how much has happened since we have been here.  We moved and bought a house, have changed cars a few times, had a few different people take care of Liam, got plenty of visitors that we showed a good time to, took some trips back to IL, had a baby and explored the state that we have grown to love.  We have both worked more hours than we can count in our new jobs and have become more comfortable overall with everything.

I have loved getting settled here and it has been hard at times as well.  Yes, it would be much easier to be closer to family, to have someone to call at any moment to come over and help.  It would help to have someone to call or visit when Sean is working every hour possible during a given week.  It would help to have a few more weekends off together, not me working every weekend he's not working during certain months.  And yes, it would be great to see everyone more, much more.  I loved watching my nieces and nephews grow up and miss that people won't see that with my kids on a regular basis.

But then I look around and remember a day like we had on Tuesday.  It was a perfect day.  We got a foot of snow so we started shoveling bright and early.  Liam had to move the snow to find that patio and exclaimed with great excitement to me when he found it.  We then came in for a wonderful pancake breakfast and some play time before lunch.

After lunch it was time to play in the snow some more.  Everyone got bundled up and after a few tears, we geared up and went outside.  Liam was excited to snowshoe this year like a big boy.  He said that a few times and it was so sweet.  Then we walked through our yard for Sean to find a good place to snowboard down the front yard.  He made a track for Liam to snowboard and sled.  Cora just snuggled up with me as we walked through our winter wonderland backyard.  Liam laughed and giggled, ate snow, giggled some more and had so much fun.  I loved watching him have so much fun, he really just enjoying being outside, more than I even knew possible.  I mean, I love being outside and being in the snow,  Maybe it has to do with us being December babies, but whatever it is, we love the snow.  There is nothing better than a snowy, sunny day, a day to play in the snow, frolic, laugh and fall down and enjoy the day.  Then we hit our end point, the point where it was just too much for him, nap time and he was beyond done.  We had a great day, a perfect day, according to him.  There was nothing we did that was about us, he was in charge, he was the guy showing us what to do and he was having fun.  And he napped - hard, it was great!  We had a nice afternoon with friends, had chili and a fire, a perfect snow day.

And I was reminded why we moved, why we did what we did, jumped across the country.  Yes, we could have had nice days where we were, but honestly, there is something in the air here and makes me smile.  Looking out the front window and seeing a magnificent winter wonderful is heavenly to me, I almost feel like I don't deserve to have the view I have.  I feel like all the hard work we are doing is worth it, the extra hours, the time where we are alone, it's all worth it.

We made one of the hardest decisions of our lives to this point 2 years ago to pick up our life, our work, our family.  We have struggled at times, I've cried plenty about being on my own with Sean working too much, especially at first.  But each day we spend here, we get stronger.  Each night I am alone with both kids, fighting dinner, bedtimes and everything in between, we all hug tighter those nights.  I spend an extra few minutes kissing Liam at night, maybe harder than usual without a worry to wake him so I can tell him how much I love him.  And I smile and now we made the right choice - the hard choice, but the right one.  He belongs here, we belong here and 2 years have provided us with so much - so many chances to live our dreams, to explore the new land we are in.  We get to call the mountains home and that makes me smile inside and out - and that smile a little bigger for my kids, who just love being here, being outside and living this life.

It's a better day to be grateful

It has been a very busy few weeks for us, rather few months, but that's how we roll, so that isn't all that strange.  We are finally being settled for a few days and have a weekend with no plans.  Even though Sean will be working, I plan on taking the time to get our house back in order after our trip back to Illinois and our latest camping trip.  If it actually happens will be another story.

My plan was to get something done last night.  Sean was working on a case, something I hadn't been around for in a while.  I had to get the kids up yesterday morning, get them to day care, get to work, get home and get them and so on.  At times, Cora is starting to want to do more, play more and need more attention than me just sitting in one place nursing her.  We did play outside for a while, but then it ended up being a lazy night and we watched a movie.  It was bedtime and I was getting a little nervous - we got out of our good routine and it was the first night in a long time I had to put Liam to bed while I had Cora.  It actually worked out well, we did some stories and then snuggled.  Liam was too busy making Cora laugh to go to sleep, so I decided it was time for us to leave.  He wasn't happy about that and we went through our normal, stay in bed or I shut your door, pitter patter feet, door shut, crying, me saying get back into bed and finally with Liam in bed, I sat in the rocking chair for a few minutes as he dozed off.  I snuck downstairs, fed Cora off to sleep and watching some TV for a bit.  Success, both kids were sleeping by 8:30 or so, of course Cora was on my lap, but so be it, it stopped me from getting up to get too many late night snacks!

We had a rough night, Liam woke up at some point and came into our room.  He ended up spitting up a couple of times in our bed.  Had to clean up and change the sheets - of course, Cora was actually sleeping at this point, until I had to move her for sheet changing.  Liam went back to his bed and I snuggled him for a bit until I heard Cora getting fussy, so I went back to our room to try and get her settled.  And then I hear him coughing so more, so I run back to his room to clean up a little more spit up.  Thankfully, he had an extra sheet and blanket on his bed from when he went to bed in underpants the other night, so that was a quick clean up - he asked for more cuddles and he finally drifted off to sleep.  This takes us to about 3:00 AM and Cora thinks it's way too funny to be awake right now - she was so not sleeping!  I mostly assumed I was done sleeping for the night, but I got her to lay down and nurse - I have no idea when she fell asleep, but I finally did.

Sean came home around 5:00 AM or so, seeing a few bears on the way and went in to snuggle with Liam.  Cora was wide awake around 6:30 when I got out of the shower so we went downstairs to get ready for the day.  It was getting time for me to leave and I had to pry Liam out of bed, crying for daddy the whole time.  I was worried we were going to have a really rough time getting to Sharon's, however, when we went in Liam's room to get dressed, we looked out the window and saw 2 deer eating, right there.  Then, we kept looking and saw about 7 total deer, including a baby one.  The mood of the morning changed, Liam was so excited to see the deer, he forgot about how upset he was...it was great.  I was so happy to were able to turn things around like that.  We left to go to Sharon's and a deer blocked our path to our car - a little alarming, but ran away as we got closer.

  And drop off went great, Liam didn't cry today, Cora was happy and I was on my way to work, half asleep, but somehow feeling positive about life, about our day and also feeling grateful, so grateful.

I feel like today is always a day we are told to remember everything about 9/11 - the bad things that happened, the way a country came together and most importantly, everyone that lost their lives.  I always remember the trip my friend and I took to NY just a few days before and the run I took with no sound of airplanes.  I remember the prayers I said on that run for everyone involved and how grateful I felt to be home with my family. 

And today, I think about the same things, I think about how one day, Liam and Cora will learn about this in school and we will talk about it.  But I also feel so grateful today, grateful to be where I am with my family, grateful to have a family and friends both near and far.  I have been having a hard time getting my words and thoughts together today, perhaps it's the lack of sleep or perhaps it's the magnitude of the day, or perhaps I haven't been able to get my thoughts straight since the shooting in Fox Lake last week. 

I've been wanting to make sense of another pointless tragedy that has taken place, but no sense can be made from it.  And the more it is covered, the more those killers are sensationalized, the more it is about them and it wasn't about them.  It was about Lt. Joe.  I have wanted to write about him, about the situation for a while, and I guess today is the day.

I was so lucky to have met Lt. Joe.  He worked with me on the Polar Plunge and I loved his energy, it was infectious.  I remember asking him one day how it maintained it - it was a natural high, he would say, from being up at 4:30 AM working out that day.  I'm pretty sure I had Liam just before that and I couldn't even think of being awake at that time, but he said, if it mattered, you'd make time for it.  Since his passing, that's all I can think about when I read stories about him, see the coverage etc.  I've been thinking about what matters, how precious life is, how you really never know when something might happen.  And you can live in fear of it all or you can just accept it and make the most of life that you have, which is what I am trying to do.  I'm trying to remember the conversations I had with Lt. Joe and the smile he always had on his face, and how anything you asked of him, wasn't a problem.  It was so inspiring to see so many people pull together as a community, a community I was honored to work with on the Polar Plunge, a community that amazed me during those days and a community that showed America and everyone what one small community can do if it pulls together.  And Lt. Joe was the reason behind it all, he brought the best out of everyone he knew, even the little bit I knew him.  I'm sure I can keep writing about him and the situation, again, it has been in my head and heart for so long.  So many people sad so many great things about him, the person he was, the spirit he had...and I am choosing to be inspired by it and by him and take this all as a reminder, a reminder that it really doesn't matter if Liam forgets to use the potty, or doesn't listen to something I say.  What matters is how I react to it all, so that Liam and Cora can learn to be a happy and grateful person, because that is what I feel right now, grateful - to be here on earth to make a difference, to be able to embrace those kiddos and my husband every night and to be grateful that I have life and to make the most of it.  All in all, it's a good day to remember, but it's a better day to be grateful.

Balance

Balance - it has always been a struggle for me, I tend to be an all in or all out kind of person.  I have gotten better at that, but again, it's just tough sometimes.  So, I was excited when I decided I wanted to have a very balanced weekend - we would spend one day on a super awesome hike - something we had never done before.  We'd spend the other day keeping things pretty local, maybe me getting my run in, maybe the beach nearby and then just cleaning, doing laundry and me getting things ready for our trip.  The plan was going to work out.  I got home a little early on Friday and we decided to meet some friends for an early dinner.  Dinner went mostly well, so well that we decided to hang out after dinner for a bit.  It was like we had a life again.  Liam was in a good mood, Cora was happy - all was good. 


We got home, got the kids to bed and watched Gone Girl, which I mostly slept through, even though I read the book.  We headed upstairs and Cora was being a little fussy so she slept in bed with us.  At some point, Liam came in and I snuggled Cora nice and close to make sure Liam had his space.  Little Cora wanted to eat most of the night, which was fine since we have had success at lay down nursing, just not when Liam is in bed with us.  So, I took her with me to Liam's bed and we slept well, until Sean came in and mentioned his stomach hurt.  No need to go into all the details, but the bottom line was that we weren't going anywhere.  No hike today, no beach, nothing at all, at least for a while.  Ugh, I was bummed, I really needed and wanted to do something new and exciting, instead we stayed home and played, which Liam does really well.  Sean laid around and we hung out - no cleaning, no going out, nothing really.  And all of that would have been fine, except for the fact that on Sunday Sean was going to go climbing with a friend, leaving me at home again with the kids.  Yes, I could have gone out and done something, but I struggle with that still.  I have to find the balance of that as well - taking the kids out on my own, which I feel is a bit more difficult since I am still nursing her.  She has her moments where I can plan to go out during feeds, and feed her when I am out, I just don't know if I trust Liam enough to play well while I am doing that.  I should have just taken them to the park, she does nurse well in her carriers, that way I can keep an eye on Liam and feed her, oh well, lesson learned for next time Sean gets so sick!


So, everyone took a nap and I relaxed, catching up on some trashy TV.  Sean was feeling better after his nap and eating a bit, enough so to take the kids to the pool and go swimming.  Liam loves to swim, that kid is a fish with no fear.  I know he will want to swim all next week at my parents - and I'm hoping the water isn't too cold.  Cora seems to enjoy the water as well, she floats a bit, kicks her legs and giggles a lot.  We swam for a bit and headed home to a nice dinner and quiet night.  We shut the TV off nice and early to get our yoga in before bedtime.  I knew Sean was going to go climbing, it was an exciting trip for him and it was part of his birthday present, ha, mostly all of it, I guess...except for the moose that greets us daily now. 


He made his plans and headed out, we had a nice morning, Liam played, watched a little movie while I sneezed my brains out and blew my nose, needless to say I felt like going no where.  So, here I sit, again, in the house with the kids, not feeling well and needing a break.  Sean got home and I decided we should take a ride up to Mt. Evans.  The road was finally open and I wasn't sure if we'd get another chance to go.  We  head out, up and up and up, winding roads leading to reach over 14,000 feet.  And of course, on the way up, I started to not feel good, so we switched and I drove, which was a little alarming, pretty close to the edges at some points.  We saw mountain goats on the way up, even baby ones.  We finally got to the top and go out to walk around.  Liam had a blast, clearly he doesn't have any altitude issues at all.  Cora was happy as well, she ate a little and giggled a lot.


And then it came time to drive back down, I knew I didn't want to do that, so I had Sean take the wheel, it was fine, we coasted down, saw plenty of mountain goats and other wildlife on the way...it was fun, very fun, until the screaming started.  It was Cora, and she was upset.  At this point, it was getting pretty late and I mostly just wanted to get home for dinner.  We did stop at one spot for Liam to try and go potty, which he did, but I think that upset her more.  As she started to cry a bit, we pushed onward, figuring she'd take her pacifier and calm down and maybe fall asleep.  She did for a bit, but then it hit, full on upset and super mad screaming and crying.  It was like with each scream a knife dug into my heart, thinking I made a huge mistake, we should have stayed home, etc.  It was tough.  We stopped once, I fed her a bit and she was content...then, when I went to put her back in her car seat, I clipped her finger and she got even more upset.  But, she again took her pacifier and calmed down...until the next screaming began.  It was terrible, we stopped again, by this point, Liam is wanting to get out, bedtime is getting close and I feel stressed.  Not like I can slow down and breath stress, but oh my gosh, what is wrong my baby stress.  And deep down, I knew nothing was wrong with her.  So, I changed her diaper again, she was a poop machine that day and fed her a bit more and got her back in her seat.

Sean decided to go in the back to sit with the kids, and of course, she laughed most of the rest of the way home.  Then Liam says that his stomach hurts.  Thankfully I had a coughing bowl (a tupperware container) in the car from another trip we took and as he started to cough, Sean was able to catch all of it.  So, again, we pulled over.  And I was done at this point, done with trips, done with adventures, just done.  I dumped out the puke in the bowl and as I looked up to turn to get back in the car, we saw a whole herd of elk in the not so far distance.  They were in a small lake, playing, swimming, splashing, even the babies.  It was so amazing and beautiful.  Liam loved watching them, Sean went ahead and pointed out that if Liam didn't get sick, if we didn't stop all those times, etc., we might have missed them.  I thought it as soon as I saw them.  We sat for a while, Cora happy and giggly, Liam saying wow, pointing and yelling look mommy, the babies and all was right...and the trip was worth it.  Or was it, I still struggle with knowing what to expect from my kids on these trips and what to expect from me on these trips.  I don't expect tons, I tend to do a pretty good job of feeding Cora and making sure she is happy before we hit the road, but yesterday was an off day, I guess.


And that's how I plan to look at it, as an off day, or an error of leaving the summit too soon and maybe trying to feed her more.  Or perhaps her ears were popping as mine were.  But instead of thinking I shouldn't leave the house for the next ten years (because I did tell Sean that), maybe I just learn and continue to improve the adventures we have.  I have to remember that even before kids our adventures weren't perfect, after all, that is what makes them adventures.  I'm already looking forward to the next camping trip, the next chance for these kids to love the adventures we take, but remembering to take time for me to enjoy them as well. 

No words

So, I sit here in a few minutes of peace for the weekend, after a long week, after a super busy time for Sean - not sure how long it will last and there are a million other things that I should be doing, but I can't seem to tear myself away from watching the Special Olympics Opening Ceremonies coverage.  I didn't see it all last night, we went to an outside movie showing of Star Wars (which was quite fun).  So, anyways, I am catching up.  I saw some of the ceremonies, on TV in the restaurant we had dinner at - how cool is that?  At some point, Liam was watching and waving as the athletes walked in, it was so sweet.  Anyways, I start to talk about how cool it is, I start to think about how amazing it all is, it makes my eyes well up with joy.  I can't seem to find words to express how it makes me feel to see this amazing coverage.  It has happened, the world has embraced Special Olympics and the athletes are given their chance to shine.  I watch the parade in, I see the athletes and hear the stories and I'm amazed.  The coverage is unreal - they are really taking the time to highlight the athletes and somehow get everyone to feel the things I feel everyday with my job.

I am still struggling to find words to put in this blog - to express how great this is.  I hope that this will be the start of always covering the games, no matter where it is.  I want this to be on TV all the time, so Liam and Cora can watch and now that it should just be a part of life.  I mean, let's be honest, they don't have much of a choice, they were both at State Games when they were 6 weeks old...but for them to see it on the bigger stage, the biggest stage possible.  I sit here and wonder when will be my time to be a part of world games.  I was lucky enough to be a part of USA Games and I'm sure I'll get to do that again, but the World - that's a dream of mine for sure.  So, I watch, with wide eyes as we wait for Team USA to come in, to watch, to see if I can find people I know, people who will tell me how awesome it was and people who inspire me.  And I figure out how to get there.  And I figure out how else to leave my stamp on this amazing organization.

It's hard for me to find words because Special Olympics to should always be on this stage.  Let's be honest, professional sports are full of crap, just pure crap.  While there are the good people, there are also so many people in professional sports that are so full of themselves, so caught up in money and greed that they have no clue what the meaning of Sports even is.  These athletes, the ones marching in right now, these are the athletes that can teach those jerks about sports - about competing, about the love of the game.  And I am so happy to hear the stories about the athletes that are there, that are helping out teams to get to the games, walking with the athletes and realizing how important Special Olympics is.  Sorry, didn't mean to turn negative, like I said, it's been a tough weekend and week.  Watching this has reminded me why I do what I do, why Special Olympics has been such a part of my life for 15 years and will always remain a part of my life.

I'm not sure how many more times I will cry while watching it, but this morning, when Liam asked, I totally got choked up - because I realized what I got to tell him.  I'm not sitting in front of my computer streaming the ceremonies, I'm watching it broad casted on ESPN.

See, I still can't find words, this blog is all over the place.  But at the end of the day, the stories I hear are amazing.  The athletes are stars and finally the rest of the world can see what I have known for about 15 years.  A baby is crying so I best go for now...but I'm sure I'll have plenty more to say about all of this.  Go USA, but more importantly, go Special Olympics athletes, you all are amazing!

Back to work

Yes, it was time last Monday for me to go back to the office.  No, I haven't been off of work since Cora was born, but I was working from home, which meant no commute!  It also meant I wasn't really able to have a schedule.  While I was happy to work from home as long as I did, I kind of wish I had a few more weeks, it was good for me to be back in the office.  It is nice to be around other adults and it is also nice for me to be able to leave work at work - well, at least as much as I can.  It was hard, though, hard to leave on Monday morning, when I left Sean with the kids all day.  Of course I cried when I left and cried for a bit in the car.  She has been attached to me in some way for the past 10 weeks and now I just need to forget about that, or rid myself of her.  No way, too hard.  But we made it, we made it through the first week.  

It was funny on Friday, I was so excited for it to be Friday, it meant I got 2 whole days with the kiddos and maybe some time with Sean.  I was so excited to be able to have nothing planned and just hang out with them.  I was thrilled to be home on Friday, so thrilled.  We didn't have any big plans, but I knew we'd find plenty to do.  It was a nice weekend, nothing too crazy, nothing out of the ordinary for us, a nice hike at the dog park, some nice time at home to clean and get a few things done, a few projects to start and plenty of time to cuddle.

I think Cora had a little cold from her first week at daycare, which of course, also made me feel terrible for leaving her at day care.  But what can I do?  We have talked long and hard and it's not really possible for me not to work.   Plus, I like working, I like my co-workers and I love what I do.  I couldn't imagine not doing it.  So, we make it work.  Sean gets days to be home with the kids that are during the week, which makes me so jealous.  I get the weekends to enjoy the kids as much as I can.  Sean worked quite a bit this weekend, which left me with the kids.  It was a good test of patience and for the most part, I passed!

And I sit her on Sunday night and I worry about the next week - again, will she be a good baby again?  Will Liam be a good big brother?  Will I pump enough milk for her?  That's one thing for sure I don't miss, my pump - what a love/hate relationship we have!

Someone did tell me that is gets easier to leave the kids - never easy, but easier.  I didn't cry today when I left, could be because I wanted to leave so early so I can come home nice and early, or could be because everyone was still sleeping at 6:30 AM and I didn't want to wake them, or maybe because I know she is in great hands at daycare.  Whatever the case may be, I'm sure there will be more days where I cry again, where I am sad to leave the kids.  There will be plenty days were I wish it'd work out and I could be home with the kids instead of sending them to day care, but one thing work has reminded me is how much to appreciate the time I have with the kids and with Sean - to not waste that time being worried the dishes are piling up, or the laundry needs to be done, but rather enjoying a few last snuggles with Cora or playing with Liam as he learns and get more creative.  So, that's the plan - take care of what I have to take care of and get home to enjoy the time I have with my family - even the times when no one listens to me! :)

Fourth of July

All right, so I really need to catch up on all my blogs, looking at just a photo blog for this one - to get it done and maybe I'll go back and update, but here's the quick version of what we did.

We were planning on camping, but the weather didn't look so great.  We opted to bail as camping in the rain with kids sounded less than awesome.  We had plenty to keep us busy.

Our first day took us to Manitou Springs to do the Incline - why - well, because we are quite crazy and wanted to do something big - that was it!  It was a mile up, about 2000 vertical feet and super uneven steps.  I was extra worried not being able to see my feet, but we made it!  It was going to be impossible to come down these steps, so the only way out was up, which lead us to a trail down.  I think the whole hike took us about 5 hours - something we weren't prepared for.  So, while it was a total butt kicking work out, it was a great lesson - always bring more water and snacks than you think  you would need - and maybe some ear plugs for Liam - that kid loves to talk - so kuddos to Sean for carrying his extra weight and listening to him, at certain point, I was either far enough ahead taking a break or far enough behind not to hear.  Anyways, we did it, we didn't do it well, it wasn't pretty at all, but we did it.  That's the key, right?  I think it'll be a great goal for us to do each year at least one, a great training for bigger hikes.  We will have to see how it'll work as Liam gets bigger - how much we can carry him, how much he will want to walk.  It'll be a new adventure for us to keep him busy, to keep him moving at a pace that's not like a snail.  Ah, more adventures!

Friday morning we got up early and headed to downtown Evergreen for donuts and a nice walk around the lake.  We then decided to go to a beach in Lakewood, not far from us.  It was going to be crowded and I tend to stay away from places on busy days, but we did it anyways.  Liam had so much, splashing, jumping, splashing - this kid loves was so much we proceeded to get out of the sun (total fair to NOT have sunscreen) and go swimming inside.  Cora also enjoys swimming, which is great, more activities for everyone makes all sleep better!

Old firetruck that later hosed us down!

Saturday was the 4th and we started our day at the pancake breakfast at the Fire station in our town.  The kids were dressed in their matching outfits from Dot.  So fun - they also did a car extracation which Liam was memorized by.  We left there and ran to Wal-Mart before our roads closed to get a squirt guy, I guess our parade is actually just a water fight and that is an understatement.  We were at our parade, there were some American Legion folks on a float who shot off their guns.  There were also a few other floats and then it happened - the bus saying it was time for the fight to begin.  There were cars, fire trucks, pick up trucks with huge water containers on the back, all aiming for everyone and anyone!  Cora and I just barely escaped being hosed down by the fire truck, while other were loving it!  Liam didn't like how loud it was, but loved everything else.  Once that was done, we had a few friends over to grill up a few quick burgers and then we decided to load up and head to Fairplay, a small mountain town that was having a parade, music and fireworks.  It was a great time, I'll just let the pictures do the talking!

Too loud, but so fun!

Watch out, here I come!

So much water!

Second parade of the day, life is good!

Passed out as soon as we got in the car.

Busy 1st 4th of July weekend.

Our first family camping trip

We finally did it, we finally made it out to camp!  It took - well, let's just say way too long to get Liam out camping, we decided not to waste any time with Cora.  I was still working from home and was planning on getting my hours in later in the week and Sean was off, so we went for it.  It was a good practice run for the trip on the 4th of July (that didn't happen, but that's another blog).  I was hesitant to go, not sure why, I just wasn't feeling like camping.  I didn't feel like peeing outside or sleeping not very comfortable and well, I was being a little crabby about it.  We spent some time talking about it in the morning, I would have rather stayed home to clean up our house rather than take more crap out, make more messes and never clean up the junk that's all over the place, which, by the way seems to just keep being all over the place, but maybe we will get it to at some point.

Anyways, once we decided we were going, we worked to get things packed up.  Sean took care of the camping things, I worked on clothes and food.  Finally, finally, finally, we were ready to go...and we headed out in the Rover for our first camping trip.  The packing actually went much better than I thought it was going to go and we were on our way.  We were headed to Webster Pass (and Liam was guiding us), which is an off-road ride we took once before, however, we planned to come at it from the Silverthorne side just in case the other face had too much snow.  Plus, this was closer to where we wanted to set up camp.  We drove hoping that Liam would fall asleep - but nope, not a chance - well, I take that back, he fell asleep as soon as we got to the off-road part.  Anyways, we drove through Silverthorne and stopped at a playground in Keystone so I could feed Cora and Liam could play.  Then we loaded back up and headed on our way.  It was only about 30 more minutes to where we both thought we would stop.  We went through the small town of Montezuma and headed down the trail.  We both recalled the trail not being too bouncy at this point, however, all the rain must have washed some of the road out as it was much bumpier than I recall.  I was a little worried about Cora, but she was pretty passed out and her head wasn't bobbing much at all.  We did tuck a blanket around just to be safe.    

We arrived at our planned campsite, or rather the area we thought would be best for camping.  We parked and got out to try and find something flat-ish.  The kids were sleeping, but Burton snuck out of the car and ran over to a jeep that was stopped by the creek.  He was being such a bad dog, just being free and happy - but NOT listening at all.  Finally, once I got him back, we went back to planning where to spend the night.  I think we finally decided that the best spot was going to be where the people were that were already there.  We hung out at our car, watched them back up and then stole there spot.  It was great, right near the water and under a few trees and mostly flat.  The hope was that the children would stay asleep until we got the tent up and yeah - that SO didn't happen.  Both kids were up and Liam was ready to go, as usual.  We let him spend a little time exploring while I fed Cora.  He liked the creek, loves throwing rocks into water and watching Burton splash around.  I was happy to sit by and watch him explore and learn - gosh, everything he does is so learning, it's crazy...and so awesome to watch.  It's especially good when I remember that him not listening, he's just learned - at least it makes me feel better to tell myself that.

So, the boys played in the water, explored and had fun.  It was time to get the tent set up.  Cora was happy just chilling in a camp chair - at least until Liam would go and bug her.  So, it was a toss up - do we let Liam help us with the tent, which would slow us down dramatically, or do we let him bug Cora.  We opted to have him help us - which was mostly fine.  He helped me get the poles out and watched and Sean and I remembered how to put the tent up.  It went mostly well for our first time in a few years.  Liam thought it was very funny to hang out and run around inside the tent with us peaking in on him through the door and window.

We were pretty much set up and decided we should go explore a bit.  We went on a small hike as it was getting a little late and we needed to get dinner and the fire started.  Burton chased his tennis ball as we walked and Liam had fun looking at everything.  Liam was also excited to help start the fire.  So, after he had played in the water a bit more, he joined Sean for his first lesson of fire.  Or course, it makes me nervous to have fire, as I said, he doesn't always listen the best.  He can at times, just do what he wants in order to learn, explore, or just do what he wants.  So, the fire made me nervous.  Sean went over with him how dangerous the fire was, how he had to stay this far back, etc.  And of course, we watched him with the fire, again, just made me nervous - just one of the many things I am sure I will worry about for quite some time.  We started our fire and got dinner going.  We hung out by the fire for a bit and then Liam seemed to be getting tired, so we decided it was time for him to head to the tent.  Of course, this gave him new energy and he bounced on the air mattress and ran around the tent.  After a few books and a few cuddles from Sean, he finally passed out while Cora and I enjoyed some dinner by the fire.  Sean was great and surprised me with wine - does it get any better?  Nature, a fire, my wonderful family and a glass of wine - life was good and I was totally wrong to think it'd be a bad idea to camp.  Sean and I stayed up for a bit, talking, having some wine and mostly waiting for it be dark - I wanted to see a million stars.  Well, turns out, it gets cold at night, in the mountains.  And while I did a great job of planning for that for the kids, I failed to do such a great job planning for me, nor did Sean.  And it was quite windy, so the fire wasn't doing that great of a job keeping us warm.  It was time to put the fire out and head to our tent, at least then we could all snuggle in our family sleeping bag and get warm, hopefully.

Cora was cozy in one of my favorite pair of Liam's pjs and a few blankets.  She was basically my heater for the night as I was freezing.  I thought I'd be good in a t-shirt and pants - no problem, I'd be warm snuggling with her, with Liam in the sleeping bag, it'd be all good, right?   Totally wrong - I froze.  I had things to put on, but at that point, I was way too cold to get up to put anything on.  I snuggled as best I could with everyone, but it was still quite chilly, especially when I had to get up and nurse Cora.  Oh well, what can you do, who really expects to sleep while camping anyways?   We slept that night as a family, our first trip, all of us in our big tent, cozy in our family sleeping bag and all seemed right in the world.  I woke up, from the light state of sleep I was and it was still chilly.  But there is something I love about a chilly camp morning, maybe it is the new day, maybe it is the fresh air, who knows, but I know I always love it.  My view was incredible out the window.

Once everyone else got up, we decided we would work to get going quick so Sean could make it back to work in time for a meeting.  Liam had other ideas, he wanted to cry.  He was very sad, for some reason and nothing seemed to make it any better.  So, he cried and cried and we listened to him whine about "nothing" as he likes to do when he isn't sure what is wrong.  We finally got everything packed up and headed out.  Liam was happy to be finally awake during the off-roading part and we were all happy that survived and mostly enjoyed the trip.  We can check the first trip off the list - as we hope for many more.  I had written at some point early on that I was looking to camp 6 months out of the year.  I'm not sure that'll be doable, but I already know we have a trip planned for July, so maybe we can do it!  Happy camping!  

Evergreen Rodeo weekend

It was Father's Day weekend and Sean was on call.  It's always tricky to figure out what to do when that is the case.  Do we go and do something we want to do all together, do we take seperate cars, or do we just stay home and hang out?  This time it seemed like we would be able to take one car and he'd not have to go to work.  We started out on Friday night to the family night of the rodeo.  They have barrel races, rides for kids, drill team on horses and all kinds of other fun things.  Our first stop was to get my little guy a cowboy hat.  I spotted one I liked as well and while I tried mine on, Liam actually left the one on that Sean put on his head.  He actually left it on which is a first.  So, we decided he might actually like it and got it for him.  I found one as well.  We proceded to walk past a few more booths, the kids rides and the food to get to the arena.  Here we watched some horses for as long as Liam could sit still - which was not very long.  We then left to get some food.  Liam had his first taste of a funnel cake, which he kept referring to as a donut.  It was great, he mostly just picked off the powdered sugar.  Meanwhile, Cora just hung out in her little carrier and just went along for the ride, thank goodness she is good at that!  Liam also insisted on a train ride - I was so proud and a little sad to watch him climb in all by himself and go on his merry way.  I do recall in September going on a ride like that with him, was REALLY glad he wanted to go on his own.

It's so funny, kids - while there is no way I wanted to squeeze myself in that little car again, a huge part of me is sad - sad becuase he doens't need me there for him in this case.  I know this kid will always need him mommy, but the older he gets, the less that seems to be.  It's tough - to remember that - to remember to enjoy his crazy energy instead of get annoyed at it.  It's hard to realize that each day he wakes up a different kid than he went to bed as.

He has new thoughts, new ways to play, new things to say.  I look at him and feel I can see him getting smarter, more creative and less scared to try new things.  Thankfully, he still has a little bit of fear, but not much.  He wants to explore and run off and doesn't really get what might happened - all of that is learning, but still, alarming to me.  That's why we are going to keep doing these things, keep on taking the kids places they might not remember.

The next day was the parade.  It was in downtown to Evergreen so we met a friend, got some donuts and waited...always the hardest part.  The parade was great, but again, it was even more fun to watch Liam, to watch him learn to get candy from the street, to see him in awe of the giant monster truck, to have him excited to see the big dogs, the horses and everything else in between.  He makes me so happy and so proud.  He really is turning into this amazing kid, instead of a baby or toddler.  Time does fly - seems like just yesterday I was wearing him around!

Quick catch up

My goodness, life has been busy, very busy.  I don't even know where to start with all we have done since our little Cora was born.  It has been just about 10 weeks and we have been all over and done way too many things, but all in a good way!

Here are just a few quick catch ups on what we have been up to!

Cora and I hiking when she was just 3 days old - the start to an adventure filled life for her!  

My parents came to visit soon after Cora was born.  This is the same shirt my dad wore when he met each and every grandbaby!

 This kid loves to lay with his little sister!

 Perhaps all my yoga helped her find her zen moment.

 Another hike/adventure to Lair O' the Bear, we hiked up and down by the water, Liam needed a snack as well!

 Daddy's Lemon's race that we went to.

We had a few other big outing and events that will there own blogs.  We experienced some of the Evergreen Rodeo, went camping and celebrated the 4th of July!  I'll get to those!

Trust

I've been sitting here for a few days working on the best way to share our story - Cora's birth story.  Mostly, I have decided to let her sit in my lap and cuddle instead of typing and I also needed some time for it all to really sink in...to come up with the best way to share it for me (as I did for Liam) and for her someday.  We have told the story over and over and each time it makes me smile a little more.  Each time I remember a new detail that I forgot the time before, so I figured the more time that added up, I'd be able to have all the details, the good, the bad, and the ugly ones as I did with Liam's birth story.  So, feel free to read on, I can't promise it will be complete and I'll remember everything and I can't promise that anyone would want to read it, but I know I need to write it.

So, again, I'll start similar to how I started Liam's story - in the end, we have a healthy and wonderful baby - and that is all that mattered.  But, I will say that this time, we had other ideas.  We went through so much with Liam that we didn't want to have happen, we knew what we wanted this time and we were going to do what we had to do to get it.  I spent a lot of time the last few weeks I was pregnant being worried about what happened last time - about having to be induced, about being stuck in the hospital, about not having any control over just about anything, about the doctor's not really being on my side, about Sean being injured and unable to give me what I needed - the list went on and on.  And I continued to worried.  At some point, I knew I had to release that worry - I'm not sure when it happened, or what was the key for me to letting go - but it must have happened and my body decided it would be ready to have this little girl - more ready than any of us knew.

I felt my first contraction, twinge at about 4:11 PM.  It was on my way home from work, it wasn't painful, just a feeling that continued pretty regularly for the ride home.  It wasn't enough for me to be concerned, I mostly thought it was fake, so I didn't tell anyone.  I finally got home and I mentioned to Sean that I was feeling things.  We decided to go get some dinner at the local mac and cheese place and I went with something a little spicy just in case she needed some extra push to be ready to come out.  We came home, I decided perhaps I should start timing things as they were getting a little stronger.  Liam finally went to sleep, I laid down to try and see if that would slow anything down or stop anything that wasn't actually happening.  No change, the contractions were coming about every 3 or 4 minutes and lasting about 45 seconds - and getting more painful, rather just more forceful.

This was at about 9:00 PM when we went upstairs - or not, I actually have no idea about a time line on anything - funny enough, we didn't even really notice what time she was born at, but that's for later in the story.  So, no time line here, just contractions that kept happening - over and over, stronger and stronger.  I laid down, I was on my hands and knees, I was on the exercise ball, I was on the floor, I was leaning over my dresser and just about anywhere else were I was able to relieve a bit of pain.  This continued for most of the night, I got in the tub/shower at some point and that seemed to help.  Liam woke up a few times so Sean was able to get in bed with him and take a couple of short naps - not for me, for me it was non-stop contractions.

Once I got out the shower, I knew I needed to do something to get through the rest of this.  And to be honest, Sean and I both thought we had plenty of time to get to the hospital and have this baby, so neither of us were in a huge rush.  We figured we'd wait until about 6:00 AM, take Liam to day care early and go have the baby - simple enough.  And if we learned anything from Liam, it's that no kid goes by any plan you have - for birth and for the rest of their lives.

So, at some point, I found what I called my zone, whatever that was, it was a time where I was able to relax a bit, calm down and perhaps even close my eyes in between the contractions.  They were still coming, just as strong and fast, but I found a place to go to to get away from it.  This was during a longer time period that Sean was with Liam and I was in my dark bedroom, listening to some relaxing Pandora station that Sean put on.  I laid down on my side for the small break and sat up during the contractions, I leaned my legs forward and shifted my weight back and forth and somehow, this all helped - somehow things slowed down in my world and I was able to calm down and looking back, progress even farther.  At some point, though, I was done - done with my calm place, done with being alone, done with being pregnant and in labor.  I wanted to quit...I had no idea what that meant, but I was done.  I went to get Sean and he joined me back in our room.  It was so crazy and awesome to be in the comforts of home for all of this - no one coming in to check how far I have progressed, no one attaching things to check the baby, just me, trusting my body and my partner to do what we needed to do - when I didn't want to quit, of course.  So, at this point, Sean started to think it was time to get going, but also we thought we'd have plenty more time - after all, Liam took 2 and 1/2 days to come.  Sean suggested I get back in the tub after he saw the pain I was in.

He got the water and tub ready for me and I headed in.  It was a tough time - again, not sure how long it all lasted, but it was a while.  I tried to move from position to position to get more comfortable, there was no way for me to be that was comfortable as I moved through my contractions.  At some point, I found some side lying position, half hanging out of the tub that got me through another set of progression as I like to think of it.  At some point, Sean tried to make me eat...which was something I really wanted to make sure I was able to do in labor - both with Liam and this time.  The doctors advise against it saying that if you get sick, that is unpleasant in labor - and they certainly were right.  Thankfully, Liam's potty chair was close enough for me to throw up in there.  And even at the time, I found it a little funny that I got sick.  It's even funnier now - something the doctors really felt strongly about - and I said screw that and paid the price.

Anyways, as I got through that, I couldn't go back to getting comfortable.  My body was ready or done or not sure what, but I had let go and trusted that my body and Sean knew what was best.  So, I got out of the tub, after a few more contractions and being super cold and super hot, all within about 15 seconds on each other and sat on the toilet.  It was at this point, I felt like I wanted to push.  Sean told me to go ahead and start, he assumed I'd be pushing for a while.  Liam was awake at this point, coming in to check on mommy and needing us to get to sleep.  Sean called Miss Sharon - who is Liam's day care and is just down the block.  She was going to head up so we could head to the hospital.

As Sean told me that we were mostly ready to go, just needed me to get ready, I knew I had no desire to be in a car at all.  I was in some serious pain and wanting to push - this was not something I wanted.  We joked about waiting long enough to have the baby in the car, but I didn't really think we'd get to that point.  But we were at that point, the point where she was coming no matter where we were.

I'm pretty sure anyone and in the near area would have woken up when I decided it was time to push.  I read at some point to tap into your primal instincts during birth and I certainly did that - to say there was a bit of screaming during my pushing would be an understatement.  Liam came in to check on mommy - I think he was just curious as to what was happening - thankfully he didn't freak out or cry and he was happy to come downstairs and watch a movie.

At some point, I got back into the tub, decided to try and be on all fours for a bit, just in case I was having back labor and she was sunny side as Liam was, it's supposed to be better that way.  So, at this time, Sean is downstairs turning the TV on for Liam, I am upstairs pretty much having a baby, being worried that perhaps something is wrong.  Nothing in my body told me anything was wrong, it was just a fear placed there - like what a huge mistake we made by not getting medical attention if something was wrong.  By this time, Sean came back up and was able to see her head.  He assured me nothing was wrong, she was coming out the right way and to keep pushing.  I sat back down and pushed out baby Cora.  Sean worked hard to ensure she was delivered correctly, that she looked well, that she was pinking up, all the medical things he should be doing.  He found some string to tie off the umbilical cord between Cora and I, he put her on my chest and we both looked at each other, mostly in disbelief.

And in that moment it was all right and worth it.  We didn't have a million doctors and nurses telling us what to do, we didn't have anyone, we just had each other.  I remember looking at Sean and trying to figure out if it was over, if she was all right, if what really happened just happened.  I sat there, in the tub with Cora on my chest and the moment seemed to freeze.  The moment Sean looked down and knew she was all right, the moment she arrived.  And the only way she arrived the way she did was due to me trusting - trusting myself and my body and trusting Sean to deliver our baby.  Time stood still, I didn't think about anything other than we just had a baby, in the most natural possible way, doing things the way women are meant to do things.  It was amazing, and still hasn't sunk in.  She laid on me, she cuddled, she tried to nurse...all the things we wanted.  She was awake and alert and scared and happy to be in the world with us.  It is still hard to put into words how it all felt - perhaps it will sink in one day, perhaps it will take a lifetime to sink in, but regardless, it was amazing, unreal and spectacular.

Sharon arrived and brought Liam upstairs to meet his baby sister.  She was so happy to be a part in her small way of the miracle that happened.  Liam went to get some toys to try and share with Cora right away.  I finally snapped out of some daze of joy and realized we had no idea what time she was born at, did some back tracking from when we called Sharon and decided on 5:53 AM.  I sat there, in the tub, in such a wonderful moment.  My family was all with me, at home and Sean and I worked together as the best team possible.  I love when I get to work with him on things and there was no way I would have gotten through any of this without him, his belief in me, his medical knowledge and his confidence to know we could do it together.

We finally got out of the tub, and snuggled the rest of the day on the couch.  There were plenty of insurance phone calls to make and thankfully Sean took care of those.  We had to take Cora to see a doctor that day to make sure she was all right.  She weighed in at 7.25 pounds and 18.9 inches.  A nurse came the next day to check on her again and all seemed to check out.  Sean worked through the system of getting all those things figured out and I'm sure we have plenty more to figure out.

But at this point, all I know is that we did things how we wanted, while it wasn't how we planned, we were able to have the most natural possible experience for Cora and us.  She has been a champ in just about every way possible so far...I'm sure that will change, but I have to believe that trusting my body to do what it was made to do was a huge step in this process, of her being well, of us bonding well, of all the positives we feel with her at this time.

I am still completely overwhelmed with joy at how things happened, how everything turned out and how lucky we were.  I should also say that I feel very lucky that there were no medial issues that we ran into in order to have this amazing experience.  My heart is happy and full of love with our family of four.  Watching Sean as a dad to a newborn again makes my heart swell with love.  I fill with such pride for Liam when he talks about how much he loves his new sister.  I know we were worried before we had her, how would the love grow - but love is like that, there is no limit to it, no way to explain how it grows, how it all works, but it is there, and stronger than ever, for my little girl, for my big boy and for my husband, my best friend, my partner in all of this Sean.  Life is good today.  I know we had a couple rough patches and I'm sure there are more to come, but right now, I'm still so full of happiness and love, that the rest of that doesn't seem to matter.  And all because I let go and trust.

Slow down...re-center...

It has been a crazy few weeks, months, maybe just the year so far has been crazy.  I have been working my butt off to try to ensure that things are all in place when I go on maternity leave.  I have been at home trying to get things ready for baby, chase around a toddler and keep myself going as much as possible - slowing down always seemed to just not be an option, or rather, not a good one.  It seemed like slowing down was just an excuse for me and always somehow made me feel a little bit worse than keeping going.  When I would spend that hour of quiet napping time on the couch just sitting there, it was much more difficult to get going when Liam got up from nap.

But I also have been trying to rush my little boy - needing him to grow up and act like a big boy.  We were doing so well with bedtime a few weeks ago, we would read stories and snuggle, then he would know he had to go to bed like a big boy - and well, this week, the past few weeks, have been terrible.  We have moved backwards, it was even worse than before, I felt.  He would cry, he would say "Stay, Mommy" or "I need you" or just cry.  If we shut the door, he'd stand there and cry.  If we left it open, we'd wander the halls.  It didn't matter what we did, he was unhappy and not sleeping.  Last night, this went on until at least 9:00 PM.  I had tons of work to still finish for the night and just needed the kid to sleep.  It was tough, spending the day with him, getting work in when I could and then hoping, just hoping that bedtime would be not so late so I could do more.  But nope, Liam had other plans.

And I just want to be mad at him, for not being a big boy anymore, for not realizing that we have a new baby coming soon that will change everything, but perhaps he knows that.  Perhaps he knows his life, as all of ours, will be turned completely upside down when this little girl comes.  And while I know it will be hard, I also realize how great it will be to have more love in our house.  We will get to see Liam in a big brother role, something that I think he will love and be so great at.  We will get to share this little girl with Liam and with our families and complete the picture we have created for ourselves.

So, why on earth do I need to rush things?  Why do I want this baby to come out so soon (after next week is acceptable, way too much going on next week!)?  Why am I so over being pregnant this time?  Why do I need that little boy to stop acting like such a baby at times and grow up and listen to me?  Why can't I just let him be the toddler he is?  And why, oh why am I having such a hard time re-centering myself, getting myself to a place of calm deep down, a place I need to be before the new baby comes and flips everything around.

It's because I'm rushing, I'm rushing to get work done, I'm rushing to get things done to our house that might not need to be done before baby come  I'm rushing to try and prepare myself for the birth we want and all the while, I'm causing stress for the house.  And while getting things ready is great, I'm missing out on the moments of now.  I realized this tonight when Liam was very sad, not wanting to go to bed.  Sean was on the rocking chair in his room, I was sitting in his bed rubbing his back.  He was so sad, about something or other that I picked him up and rocked with him.  I rocked with him like the countless hours of his younger days of no sleep, I snuggled and rocked him until he was calm and quiet.  And I realized I need to slow down.

I need to slow down forcing him to grow up.  While I'd love an extra hour to myself at night, that kid might need me more than I realize right now.  And soon, he won't need that, he might not tell mommy how much he needs me.  So, why do I want that to go away?  Yes, it'll be hard once baby sister gets here, yes, it will be tough to manage getting him down for bed when she might be sleeping or crying or needing to be fed.  But the bottom line is that he needs me - and probably more than that, I need him.  I need my little boy to stay that snuggle monster for as long as he wants to.  While there are many nights where I'd rather he sleep in his bed all night, when he wakes up and stumbles in our room crying for mommy, my heart melts for him.  When he sits up after a drink of water and moves my arms for snuggles, I can't say no to that, and the love in the house grows.

So, while all these things might change a bit over the next few weeks, there is no reason for me to want to speed things up...I need to slow down, I need to re-center, I need to remember what's important and why we have a family.  To feel needed from that little boy is a feeling I never could have imagined, until I had kids.  I need to calm down, everything will work out and I need to take the time to enjoy the moments I have with him, at this point, when he is my only one that needs snuggles.  I need to take these last few weeks to remind him how important he is, how amazing he is and how much mommy needs him just as much as he needs me.

Yes, it's time to slow down, it's time to enjoy the last few weeks of this little girl squirming around, it's time to laugh when Liam pulls up my shirt to give baby kisses on my stomach and proceeds to blow raspberries and laugh uncontrollably.  It's time to re-center and reconnect with me and what I want from the life we are creating.  But mostly, it's time to slow down....and enjoy the process, of watching him grow up, instead of needing it to happen on my terms.  He'll get there, he'll drive me nuts along the way, but he'll also make me so proud and he'll get there.  And when it happens, I know I'll miss the snuggles - and if I'm lucky enough, he'll always want the snuggles with mommy.