It is real...

Today was the first day it seems in a while that Sean worked a day over the weekend.  It was the first day of his shift and most of me just wanted to be lazy, stay home, have a pj day, clean the house and get work done.  That changed and I made plans with friends to go to see a truck show/race.  Liam loved it, it was quite fun and nice to enjoy the sun.  On the way home, I talked to Sean and asked if he wanted visitors.  Of course he did, seems like a silly question.  So, we headed to see Sean at work.  But then we had to eat lunch first, and not come just yet.  The kids were getting crabby and I was ready to bail on the whole idea.  Then we were allowed to stop by, so we did.  We get to stop by and see Sean, Liam got to see all the fire trucks and ambulances, Cora ran around as she does these days and I just kept a general eye on all.  We hung out for a bit, met all the firefighters, saw where Sean spent his time away from home and it was time to leave.  I hoped to get home at a decent time, perhaps even get the kids to nap so I could get my work done.  

Sean was walking us out and saying good-bye to us...and he suddenly said he had to go, he heard the alarms.  He gave us all a quick kiss and handed Cora to me as his co-firefighter came out to yell at him to go...he was already on his way back.  And something hit me.  It was real.  He's a real fireman.  I didn't ever think it was all fake, but seeing him run back into the fire house struck a cord with me.  I dropped Liam off at his car seat (I had to grab him after he feel and scraped his knee again). and told I him it was real, dad is a real firefighter...and of course, I teared up a bit.  Because it was real, because I watched him drive away on the fire truck, lights and sirens blairing, not knowing where he was going or what he was doing.  It's a crazy thing, he has always done something a little dangerous, helicopter paramedic, flew around with his donor job and everything else he does in better.  But something was different this time he drove away.  We used to have rules, his rule was to call me before he took off and after he'd land...I'd say something silly about being safe and I'd wait to talk to him again.  

But now I can't get that...when he has to go, he has to go.  He has tons of work to do at the station and not as much time to call me.  And that's all right, it's not easy, but it's all right.  I send him messages and picures of the kids, I call and leave messages because he needs to know we are thinking about him.  I don't hear from him as much, but it's all right, I know he is there, I know he is safe and I know he is doing good, such good.  He is doing something amazing with his life that we support.  It's funny, I feel like I see things about firefighter, police, military spouses, about how they are so important.  I had people tell me that my role was just as important as his was and I didn't really get it until today.  Today it all came together.  Many of those people can't do what they are doing, unless they have the support.  He can't do what he is doing if I'm not doing what I am doing.  It's not always easy to be alone for 48 or more hours, but it's worth it, for him, for what he is doing.  The kids miss him for sure, but we are getting used to it.  And the reunion when they see him always makes my heart melt.

So, how do I deal with the real?  Do I just forget the fact that bad things could happen?  Do I complain about how hard some nights are?  Is it extra stressful when I have extra work to get done on the days he's working?  Do I lie awake some nights and worry when I don't get to say good night to Sean?  Am I just as excited to see him as the kids after those 48 hours?  Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes...I'll be honest, it's not always easy.  The kids have been great and we've had pretty good days getting out the door and got into a good groove at bedtime.  Will we have bad days?  For sure...I know that will happen.  Will I cry some nights with the kids because we miss daddy?  For sure...but I also remember that people have it worse, much worse.  We just have to survive 48 hours a few times a month.  So, we do it...we will continue to do it...I'll continue to worry when I don't talk to him.  I might even cry some nights, but I'll also be strong.  I know the kids need me and I need them, and we will all be strong and get through the tough times.  But it certain is real...Sean is a firefighter and there's no joke about that.