It has been a crazy few weeks, months, maybe just the year so far has been crazy. I have been working my butt off to try to ensure that things are all in place when I go on maternity leave. I have been at home trying to get things ready for baby, chase around a toddler and keep myself going as much as possible - slowing down always seemed to just not be an option, or rather, not a good one. It seemed like slowing down was just an excuse for me and always somehow made me feel a little bit worse than keeping going. When I would spend that hour of quiet napping time on the couch just sitting there, it was much more difficult to get going when Liam got up from nap.
But I also have been trying to rush my little boy - needing him to grow up and act like a big boy. We were doing so well with bedtime a few weeks ago, we would read stories and snuggle, then he would know he had to go to bed like a big boy - and well, this week, the past few weeks, have been terrible. We have moved backwards, it was even worse than before, I felt. He would cry, he would say "Stay, Mommy" or "I need you" or just cry. If we shut the door, he'd stand there and cry. If we left it open, we'd wander the halls. It didn't matter what we did, he was unhappy and not sleeping. Last night, this went on until at least 9:00 PM. I had tons of work to still finish for the night and just needed the kid to sleep. It was tough, spending the day with him, getting work in when I could and then hoping, just hoping that bedtime would be not so late so I could do more. But nope, Liam had other plans.
And I just want to be mad at him, for not being a big boy anymore, for not realizing that we have a new baby coming soon that will change everything, but perhaps he knows that. Perhaps he knows his life, as all of ours, will be turned completely upside down when this little girl comes. And while I know it will be hard, I also realize how great it will be to have more love in our house. We will get to see Liam in a big brother role, something that I think he will love and be so great at. We will get to share this little girl with Liam and with our families and complete the picture we have created for ourselves.
So, why on earth do I need to rush things? Why do I want this baby to come out so soon (after next week is acceptable, way too much going on next week!)? Why am I so over being pregnant this time? Why do I need that little boy to stop acting like such a baby at times and grow up and listen to me? Why can't I just let him be the toddler he is? And why, oh why am I having such a hard time re-centering myself, getting myself to a place of calm deep down, a place I need to be before the new baby comes and flips everything around.
It's because I'm rushing, I'm rushing to get work done, I'm rushing to get things done to our house that might not need to be done before baby come I'm rushing to try and prepare myself for the birth we want and all the while, I'm causing stress for the house. And while getting things ready is great, I'm missing out on the moments of now. I realized this tonight when Liam was very sad, not wanting to go to bed. Sean was on the rocking chair in his room, I was sitting in his bed rubbing his back. He was so sad, about something or other that I picked him up and rocked with him. I rocked with him like the countless hours of his younger days of no sleep, I snuggled and rocked him until he was calm and quiet. And I realized I need to slow down.
I need to slow down forcing him to grow up. While I'd love an extra hour to myself at night, that kid might need me more than I realize right now. And soon, he won't need that, he might not tell mommy how much he needs me. So, why do I want that to go away? Yes, it'll be hard once baby sister gets here, yes, it will be tough to manage getting him down for bed when she might be sleeping or crying or needing to be fed. But the bottom line is that he needs me - and probably more than that, I need him. I need my little boy to stay that snuggle monster for as long as he wants to. While there are many nights where I'd rather he sleep in his bed all night, when he wakes up and stumbles in our room crying for mommy, my heart melts for him. When he sits up after a drink of water and moves my arms for snuggles, I can't say no to that, and the love in the house grows.
So, while all these things might change a bit over the next few weeks, there is no reason for me to want to speed things up...I need to slow down, I need to re-center, I need to remember what's important and why we have a family. To feel needed from that little boy is a feeling I never could have imagined, until I had kids. I need to calm down, everything will work out and I need to take the time to enjoy the moments I have with him, at this point, when he is my only one that needs snuggles. I need to take these last few weeks to remind him how important he is, how amazing he is and how much mommy needs him just as much as he needs me.
Yes, it's time to slow down, it's time to enjoy the last few weeks of this little girl squirming around, it's time to laugh when Liam pulls up my shirt to give baby kisses on my stomach and proceeds to blow raspberries and laugh uncontrollably. It's time to re-center and reconnect with me and what I want from the life we are creating. But mostly, it's time to slow down....and enjoy the process, of watching him grow up, instead of needing it to happen on my terms. He'll get there, he'll drive me nuts along the way, but he'll also make me so proud and he'll get there. And when it happens, I know I'll miss the snuggles - and if I'm lucky enough, he'll always want the snuggles with mommy.
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