This is a post that has nothing to do with adventures, or our move, but rather with Liam. See, for the past 2 years, I have been connected to Liam in some way, because I was carrying him, because I was nursing him, because I was pumping for him, but something. And that all changed this weekend. Well, it had been changing for a while, but this weekend was the end of it. This weekend Liam decided he no longer needed mommy milk. He had been only nursing in the morning, but this weekend, he wasn't even interested in that. So, I'm thinking that means he is done. And while I am thrilled he is growing and moving on, I'm a bit sad about it. Like I said, it has been about 2 years since we found out we were having Liam - actually, 2 years ago to the day, and since that time, my focus has been on Liam, on what to do best for him, while carrying him, while nursing him, just while being with him. And now, now he no longer needs me in that way, to provide for him, to take care of his nutritional needs through being in my tummy or through my nursing. And that is hard...I'm glad it has been a slow process, but I can't help but second guess myself, should I do more to keep the relationship going.
And to be honest, I hate to say it, but I don't think I had anymore in me and I'm all right with that. We worked hard, very hard to any point where he would nurse, then with a shield, then we got rid of that, and we were making it work so well. We would be on a hike and he would be hungry so I would feed him. I will certainly miss that, you know, open 24 hours, all you can eat, easy - now we have to make sure we pack enough milk, food and all of that. But I guess that is how it goes. I can no longer be upset about it. I can't stress about it or cry about. I have to look back and be proud of what we accomplished, he was on a nursing strike for about 3 months, maybe more. I was attached to a pump at all times, I never got the bonding with him, just the crying, from both of us. When we got a point where it was good, it was so good and so worth all the struggles. And now, now it's just supposed to be over. I think I'm all right with it, I can focus more on me, but it's hard, I haven't done that in so long...but I'll get there, I'll remember how.
I also worry now that I don't have my breastfeeding relationship with Liam, what will I have? Will he still love me the same, getting milk from a cup and not from me? I know that is silly and I know he will. But well, I can't help the thougths creep in. It's a process, I have to let go of that bond we had, know we had it and will always have that connection, but now it's time to find the next thing. It's similar to when I had him, I was so used to carrying him inside of me, it was a shift of how to look at things and how to deal with the changes. I have to admit that I didn't always deal the best, but I think this time I will treasure the moments I have with him. I will lay with him and laugh with him...and even if he won't be nursing, we will still lay together at night, even if his milk is coming from a cup, we will read books and giggle and laugh when he is supposed to be sleeping. And we'll find our new way to be close - he did recently discover that blowing raspberries on mommy's tummy is hilarious! And Liam got 15 months of mommy milk, with a little help here and there, and that has given him so many of the benefits I wanted for him. He may not ever remember that I fed him, that we worked so hard, that we cried so much, that we fought so hard to succeed, he will not remember any of that, but I will and I will always hold him close and treasure the moments I have, not the ones I'm missing out on - that's something that I wish didn't take 2 years for me to figure out!
Very good post. I nursed Julia until I became pregnant with Mark. I remember it like it was yesterday. She was nursing (2 yrs old) and she looked at me with these wide eyes and said. "Sweet." My new milk was coming in for Mark. I had to stop. She had never had a bottle and went straight to a cup.
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