....or a new day...or a new start, just new. New thoughts, new ways of thinking about things and new ways to move on. That's where I'm at today, moving on. See, I have always worried about my weight, about how others think I look, about what others say about me in my swimsuit, the list goes on and on. I worry about how I can't keep up with people in certain ways, about how I don't measure up and that list goes on as well. Well, you know what, I'm over it, I'm done with that crap. I'm done with being worried about what others think and I'm done being so hard on myself.
So today, I start again. I start with a new outlook and a fresh perspective. I am going to let go and break through of all the things holding me back from being what I want to be. I'm tired of the excuses, being busy, being tired, it's too late, again, the list goes on. I am ready to be done with everything that is holding me back from being the person I want to be. I'm ready to stop wasting my time watching TV and instead spend that time living, baking things, making things, cleaning, creating, reading, working out....all those things that get me somewhere, that help make me into the person I want to do - that's where I want to go.
I want to be fit, I don't care what I weigh, actually, I was thinking about that earlier today. I have no idea what my number is now, nor do I know what my ideal number is, but I do know how I feel. It has been great to not weigh myself, to not worry about some number making or breaking my day. Instead, I know the 10 minutes I can spend working out will provide me with much motivation to keep going. Or the 5 minutes, or the minute I spend doing a plank. That's what I need, just to be active and fit. I want to keep up with others when I'm biking. I want a 3 mile run to be nice and easy again, I want to hike and lead the pack, while carrying Liam. I want Liam to see what a strong woman is. I want him to see how confident and strong women can be, and how great him mom is. It's funny, it's almost like it'd be easier for me to want to show a daughter how to be strong and powerful, but I think I realized that he can learn just as much from me and how I act.
I want to be comfortable being me. I keep envisioning this life for me and my family, this life of being home grown and natural. And for some reason, I keep finding excuses to stop me. And I'm so over the excuses. I'm ready for the action. I'm ready to do it, I'm ready to not dwell on the past, I'm ready to move forward and use my past as lessons, for me and for others. I'm ready to forgive myself for the things that I hold myself responsible for. I'm ready to take that step, to leave the past behind and just take with the lessons.
I think that last statement is easier said than done. I think today I realized I still beat myself up for how Liam's birth went - not the way I wanted it to go. I still am upset I didn't speak up more and stand up for how I felt and what I wanted. But I can't go back, I can't keep being upset about it. I did the best I could and now, now if the chance presents itself, I can do better. And if it doesn't, I can help others. I can be the person I needed in that room with me for someone else. I can move on and I can know that I have a wonderful little 18 month old monster that is happy and healthy and in the end, that's what matters. It still is hard, though...but it's time to stop dwelling deep down and let it go. Hmm...I hate when things like this pop up - thinking it has been out of my mind long enough, but still, it comes up, I blame me for how it went. I still talk about it. I'm all right talking about it, but there is nothing I can do to change it. So, again, I move forward with the lessons I learned to share with others in anyway I can.
Back on topic....so today starts my new challenge, my physical challenge that will lead me in the direction I want to take with my life. Each week I am challenging myself to do certain workouts, a certain number of them in the week. This week, I will get in a day of cardio (my 5K), 2 Bodeefit workouts, 2 Ab workouts, 2 leg pilates workouts, 1 Power Class and 2 yoga sessions. I have decided not to put time limits on anything at this point, and I can certainly go above and beyond these with hikes and biking and such. But for now, that is my week ahead of me, nice and easy to cross off my list and get myself to the place I want to be.
This place I speak of is quite broad, but the more I think about it, the more I narrow it down to where I want to be. Today that place is a place of strength, it's a place of getting my workouts done and knowing the rest that comes with that. It's a place I feel most confident and comfortable, it's a place I feel most at peace. The rest will come together, once I work to get to this place. And everyday is a step closer to that place, even if it's a small step, or a failed step, it's still a step...and that's where I want to be. And I'm getting there at my pace...and the thought of that makes me smile.
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