It's interesting to me how that phrase can mean so many different things to me. Yesterday, it meant that I was home, in my house and able to stay put for a while, at least for a few weeks. Over the weekend, home wasn't where I was, it was who I was with. It's such a habit that Illinois is home, I mean, it was home for 35 years. But now, now, Colorado is home. I want to call this my home, I want to make it my home and I want Liam to feel home here. I think he does, I think we are getting more and more settled and we feel more like home. And I love it. I love having home here. I love being able to be free and live the life we want to live without being worried about being judged.
Judging - such a thing that is so prevelant in our lives and such a thing that is so pointless and stupid. I mean, come on, we all do it, we judge others, we judge ourselves, it's almost second nature. It's something that happens when you aren't even thinking about it. It's something that I have always found out to be better without, when I stop myself from judging others, I feel less judged and I feel more comfortable being me - not being worried about what other people think. And not thinking anything about others. But sometimes, so many times, I get caught up in what I think other people are thinking - it's far to hard to live that way, but it happens. So, today's first lesson - cut out the judging. It makes me more comfortable being me and in the end, if people want to judge me, so be it - they can, doesn't matter to me, mostly because I don't have time for it. I have time to get myself to the place I want to be, to make myself the best I can me and to live my life the way I want to. And not worrying what others think, say or do. It's hard, but I'm looking forward to the process and getting there. It will be such a huge pay off - the less I judge, the less I worry about being judged.
Anyways, back to my visit back to IL...I've been very careful as to what I refer to as home. I know so much of me and my life was back in IL, so it's hard not to think of that as home. But as I move forward, I know this is where I want home to be. Will it ever become natural to say home is here? Does that come with time? Does it matter? I like the saying home is where you heart is, home is what you make it, a house doesn't make a home, etc. I enjoy those because I believe them to be true. I don't need a place to call home. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to not have a roof over my head. But it's not about the place for me, it's about the feelings. It's about how I feel when I pick up my little guy from day care and head home. It's the feeling I get when I see him running towards me when he is home with Daddy. It's the joy I see in his face as I climb the stairs - that's home to me. Not the house I'm in, not the state I'm in, none of that. The feeling I get from my guys at home, that's what I want and that's what I can take with me.
So, instead of struggling with where my home is, I will remember this - that I belong with Sean, Liam and Burton and whereever we may be, that's home.
The weekend back in IL was great - it was so fun, we had such a great time. Google Plus did a great job of telling my story in pictures - everything from the bouncy houses, to the fireworks, to the parties and the swimming and all in between. My sister's kids had so much fun having Liam around. I love watching them all interect - it's been a while since a baby has been on that side of the family, and they love it. They play with him, read to him, laugh with him and just about anything else you can think of. It's a great feeling to watch that. We saw some great friends and of course, didn't have enough time for it all.
It was stressful trying to figure out how to see everyone we wanted to see, how to make all involved happy, but I think I learned a couple of more big lessons. I can't make everyone happy...and I don't think I'll have enough time to make all the things happen I want to make happen. But that's something we sacrificed when we moved it, that is something we knew would be the case. We knew we would miss people and not have enough time when back in IL. But you know what, we got back to our house in Colorado late on Monday night, and I woke up on Tuesday, walked to my car and saw the mountains - and I knew, I knew this is where I belong. And I also learned there ways to keep in touch - I don't need to see someone to connect with them, I can call them, e-mail them, or just about any other way to get in touch with them. So it's all, distance doesn't make things impossible. Sure, it makes the goodbyes a little harder, and the hugs a little longer, but it's always just a see you later - never a good bye.
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